on the contentious woman...

"...a constant dripping on a day of steady rain and 
a contentious woman are alike..." 

- Proverbs 27:15

During the past week, I've been reading a Proverb a day (because wisdom please!); I've noticed the idea of The Contentious Woman. She is mentioned roughly five times in Proverbs (Proverbs 21:9;19; Proverbs 26:21; Proverbs 27:15) depending upon translation. The Contentious Woman given to argument or strife; she is quarrelsome, characterized by controversy and provoking. There is an absence of peace and faith; truly, she is the opposite of the woman characterized in Proverbs 31 who has no fear for the future, who laughs, who builds up, who brings life to those around her. I feel like the Lord has been really opening my eyes to this contrast of character; He brings to mind recent conversations where I've asked unnecessary questions, tried to provoke thought, to control, change and gain clarity... places where I've been seeking answers from man, not from God.

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"...contention roams in my heart when there is fear and insecurity, 

a lack of peace and trust in God to be who He says He will be..."

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So, what makes a woman contentious? What makes a woman argue and provoke and be a "constant dripping", or in other versions, a "leaky faucet"? I don't know about every woman, but I know that contention roams in my heart when there is fear and insecurity, a lack of peace and trust in God to be who He says He will be. I don't think that I am a consciously contentious woman, but I definitely see myself becoming one. I have contentious tendencies. When I am operating out of fear for the future, out of the insecurity that the Enemy plants in my heart, then I am prone to quarrel and strife, to provocation and urgency. The only Person who is built to carry our contentious spirits is the Lord; we can come before His throne with any sadness, any question, any heartache, any grievance and upset. For me, becoming contentious is not something I strive for, it is something that I become when I am not rooting myself in truth, grace, and love.  
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"...if I am filling myself with the truth of the Living Water, 
there is no need to become a "leaky faucet"..."

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I do NOT want to be characterized and motivated by fear and insecurity, but rather out of peace and security. A woman who is at rest in her identity in Christ is not contentious, THAT is the kind of woman I desperately desire to be. If I am filling myself with the truth of the Living Water, there is no need to become a "leaky faucet", to be seeking affirmation and answers from places that simply just cannot provide such things. There is beauty in His control; when He is in control, that means that I don't have to be! And where there is that kind of freedom, contention has no place. 

Am I a woman who is prone to peace or prone to provocation? 

Am I constantly seeking affirmation, constantly asking questions, 

or resting in the security and knowledge of Christ?

(PS: I think this applies to men as well, just saying.)

on sunfish and scary places...

Confession: deep water scares me.

I specifically remember jumping off the side of a boat out at Folsom Lake when I was in high school and swimming frantically back to the boat for fear of what was in the water with me. And I didn't jump back in again. I stayed on the boat, where I thought I was safe and known. Fear does that, it scares us out of the good things. 

This week a large species of sunfish was found off the coast of Portugal. And listen, before you think I am some fish connoisseur, let me assure you I'm not, I just like to keep up with current events, especially ones that are fun and completely unrelated to The White House. Divers discovered this massive sunfish; you can watch the video here. It's amazing to think about how there are fish we have never seen down in those deep waters; big fish and small fish, glow-in-the-dark fish and black fish, ugly fish and beautiful fish. Just because we can't see them, doesn't mean they aren't there. 

I can't help but think about how my heart kind of feels like that deep, dark water sometimes. There are places where I am willing to go and places where I am scared of diving in for fear of what might be there. Proverbs 20:5 says that "a purpose in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out..." This verse has been an anthem of prayer over the past few weeks. A man of understanding is willing to dive into the depths of his own heart, to seek wisdom and self-awareness, to see what might be living down in the deep. I want that for myself.
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                                                                "A man of understanding is willing to dive into the depths of his own heart..."

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Now more than ever, I'm experiencing the vastness of my own heart. The waters are deep and the waves are tumultuous, and at times, completely overwhelming. There are feelings and thoughts and prayers that are completely new territory, and I feel like a diver discovering new fish; some are scary, some are beautiful, some are ugly. But the deeper I dive and the darker it becomes, the more opportunity I have to reach those places with light and truth. There are deep places of hope, insecurity, desire, grief, and brokenness. That's a lot to discover, a lot of tension to live in.

Some days, I am tempted to stay in the shallow areas and I am sure you are too, where we can see clearly, where we don't have to do any hard work, where we can wade around in clear, crystal, seemingly perfect moments. Shallow water allows us to see with ease, but there is something beautiful about the depths; they can be scary and at times hurt like hell, but the beauty of discovering God in those places... it's worth it. We discover Jesus as the Sustainer, the Comforter, the Great Planner and Protector, as the Great Foundation, the Grace-Giver, and the Quick-to-Compassion God. We discover that we're extremely complex, full of feelings and experiences and tensions. We discover that God is God, we are human, and that's how it should be. We discover that it's okay to feel simultaneously, to grieve and to celebrate.

May we not be too scared to miss out on the scary-good things at the bottom of our hearts. I don't want fear to be the boss of me and scare me out of the the heart work, out of the good places, like it did that day on the lake. I want to dive deep and discover both the ugly and the beautiful, so that Jesus may have His way within me.

a coffee date...

(coffee + cream in Ireland!)

If we were on a coffee date, I would order my new favorite: a triple espresso over ice with two agave sweeteners and a splash of cream. I would also pay for your coffee because God has been telling me to be more generous to the people in my life.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I am currently obsessed with watermelon, summer candles, pool floaties, and Tabata cycling.

If we were on a coffee date, we would wish for cooler weather because this whole 108 degrees thing is a NIGHTMARE.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I just booked a trip to Portland in November and I already have a Pinterest board of all my plans.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about God's love, about how He protects us and pursues us and fights for us and gives us way more grace than we could ever deserve. We would talk about how His love draws up lines in our lives taut by hope. We would talk about grace and how the hardest person to give it to is ourselves.

If we were on a coffee date, we would also talk about sin and how much we hate it. It comes to seek, kill, and destroy, and we must seek, kill, and destroy it.

If we were on a coffee date, there would be talk about relationships and emotions.

If we were on a coffee date, we might talk about Eugene Peterson and his recent statements about same-sex marriage. Here is my favorite article on the subject. (Update: Eugene Peterson retracted his statement here. This is what biblical humility looks like!)

If we were on a coffee date, I would share with you all my photos and stories from Portugal and my four hours in Ireland. ALSO IRELAND. WHAT.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you my two newest guilty pleasures: "Riverdale" on Netflix and the song "Unforgettable" by French Montana. 

If we were on a coffee date, what would be your newest guilty pleasures?

on the lines of hope...

Ever since we were kids, we were taught to "color inside the lines".

This never bugged me. I loved lines. I still love lines. In a weird way, they give me freedom, they tell me where I can go, they tell me where I am safe. Throughout the past month, the theme of these lines has been popping up. Lines and lines and lines...

"The Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; you support my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places, indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me..." 

- Psalm 16: 5-6 (NASB)

"The lines of purpose in your lives never grow slack, tightly tied as

they are to your future in Heaven, kept taught by hope..." 

- Colossians 1:5 (MSG)

The lines have fallen in pleasant places because they are tied and taut by hope; they are beautiful and not reckless. God is not a reckless Sovereign, He knows what He is doing and He knows what we need. Sometimes, it's hard to see the lines as good; maybe the lines fell and you ended a relationship or friendship, or cancer snuck in, or you lost a job, or you are going through the treacherous "post-grad" period, or death happened. But even in our discomfort, we are safe. The lines are painful and confusing and grey, but we know the God who put them there and His intent is not to harm us or confuse us, it is to draw us closer to Him, to use the boundary lines to bind us to Him. The lines are placed as an act of love and grace; sin must be kept out, holiness must be kept in. We continue to hope in the God of our circumstances, not in our circumstances. 
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"...the lines are painful and confusing and grey, but we know the God 

who put them there and His intent is not to harm us or confuse us..."

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As I think about my life, where the lines have fallen, I am grateful that the Lord loves us enough to step in. He protects us from the good to reserve us for the godly. Friends, this is a truth that I have been needing to preach to myself daily. I want to be a woman who embraces the seasons and the lines that are provided for me, not resisting them or doubting them. I want a heart that rests within the boundaries, a heart that dwells in peace inside the lines, having no desire to jump outside of them. I want to color inside the spaces that the Lord has placed before me, filling them with vibrant color and beauty. I want to trust that His boundaries for me are greater than the boundaries I have for myself, that His ways are truly higher than mine.
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"...a heart that dwells in peace inside the lines 

has no desire to jump outside of them..."

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I don't know where you are today, what boundaries you're living in or trying to resist, but today, rest knowing that God is aware of your heart and needs, He is fighting for you, protecting you, pursuing you. Lean into the lines that He has placed for your life, because in that, you will find Him and He will meet you there, He will meet us there.

on the capacity for love (and donuts)...

It has taken me a long time to stand where I am standing, in this place where I am "okay" with Valentines Day. More so, I even kind of like it love it. I am not rolling my eyes at the many social media postings of dating/engaged/married friends, lamenting over the date-less night I have ahead of me, or even joining in on the "Singleness Awareness Day" bandwagon. No no, this year is a little bit different.

Valentines Day has always been a little somber for me, a reminder of the lack of love in my life. This year, by God's grace, I see it as a celebration of all the love I have received and been honored to give to friends and family. Call it wisdom, call it age, call it whatever you want, but God has slowly and tenderly been reminding me how much I am loved and how much I am able to love people. And the craziest thing? It has not been through a romantic relationship! I have never felt more loved than by my community, by the men and women in my life who love me in the smallest, most non-romantic ways. When I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved.
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"...when I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am 

given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved..."

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To celebrate love ONLY in the context of a romantic relationship is missing the whole point of what love truly is; love is an extension of Christ, the One who gave His life in replacement of ours, and to only reserve it for a romantic relationship? Well, that's cheating and cheapening the love of our Savior. To only reserve love for a romantic relationship, to essentially one person, is to cheat and cheapen the work of the Cross. We must allow God to expand and redefine our definition of love so that it includes our friends, our families, and our special someones. Love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love.
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"...love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love...."

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We have the capacity to love only because we have been loved by Christ; He shows us how and who to love (which, by the way, is unconditional and all inclusive). Whether I am single or married, divorced or widowed, I want to love people. I want to bring them donuts and pray with them and hold them while they cry; I want to love them the way that Christ loves them, which was extravagant and exhausting and self-sacrificing. Being single should not hinder me from loving, but rather give me the freedom to love and be loved by others.

Lord, enlarge our hearts past holidays and circumstances and statuses.
Lord, grant us the capacity to love unconditionally and inclusively.
Lord, enable us to love others without expecting anything in return.
Lord, help us to receive love when others give it to us.
Lord, remind us that love is not a feeling, but a choice.
Lord, expand our capacity to love and be loved by Your people.

So today, love your people, buy the donuts, and be encouraged, 
because Christ has given you the capacity. 

on the standard of sweetness...

"So I have come down to deliver them from the power of the Egyptians, 
and to bring them up from that land to a good and spacious land, 
to a land flowing with milk and honey..." 

- Exodus 3:8

The Old Testament is NOT the place most Christians gravitate toward. We don't really think it's beautiful; it's hard to read, there are a lot of battles and laws and lineage and Jesus hasn't physically shown up yet. The Old Testament is not full of warm, fuzzy feelings. It is not going to give you a big, theological hug. 

In college, I had a professor who instilled within me a love for the Old Testament; for the history, the wrath, the goodness, the story. This is the greatest lesson and gift that I was given as a theology student. He allowed me to see that the Old Testament is absolutely needed and beautiful; because without the wrath, there is no need for love, and without the love, there would be no wrath. We miss that, us Christians, and we miss it hard. This summer I have journeyed through the pages of the Old Testament with a brilliant group of women. Their love for God and His Word completely encourage me. We just finished Genesis not too long ago. We wrestled with the text, asked questions, and began to hide the stories in our hearts. 

We are currently finishing Exodus, the culmination of slavery and freedom. All throughout Exodus, we see the brokenness of slavery and the beauty of the promise of freedom. These pages are meaty and hearty and full of symbolism and story. We do not just read about the chains, but feel the heaviness of the bondage, the deep anticipation and longing to be set free.

The thing that I have been clinging to is the sweetness of the Lord; Yahweh, this great and powerful and wrathful God also establishes Himself as the standard of sweetness. We see this as He provides the way to the land of flowing milk and honey, as He turns the bitter water to sweet water, as He writes the story of redemption in the midst of the wilderness. Honey, thick and gooey and sticky and sweet, a pure reflection of tangible grace.
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"...this great and powerful and wrathful God 
also establishes Himself as the standard of sweetness…"

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The land of flowing milk and honey is referenced four times throughout Exodus. Yahweh reminds them that there hope is coming, that although now they experience the dry and weary land, they will experience a land in the future that is abundant in all good things. Manna is sent from Heaven and, we are told in Exodus 16:5, that it tastes much like the sweetness of honey. Another taste of what is ahead of us; our sweet God is faithful to remind us of what is coming, that we should measure our experiences from the standard of His provision.

And I don't know about you, but I really need to lean in to that space. I need to be washed by the sweetness, to let God drench me with the thick and gooey truth of His goodness. I want my heart to trade in its bitter places for the sweetness of His constant provision and faithfulness. He leads us from our bondage into His blessing, from slavery into sweetness. And you know, sometimes we can't feel it or taste it or see it, but it is coming. The brokenness and bitterness and bondage now will allow us to taste and see that the Lord is sweeter than we could have ever imaged. 

on impatience and perseverance...

One thing that I have learned to be true about Jesus? He is not subtle. When Jesus wants you to do something or learn something, you know. And lately, I know.

At the beginning of this month, I read Annie Downs new book, "Looking for Lovely". I may or may not have finished it in two days and everyone needs it in their personal library. Please go to your local bookstore and pick up a copy right now. She speaks A LOT into the idea of what perseverance looks like in her life, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. She even got a tattoo (which is not happening for me because I am indecisive and hate all kinds of pain). 

This year, I studied through Acts with a group of women at my church. Paul and the early church knew what it meant to persevere in every sense of the word. 

Twenty one days ago, I started Whole 30 and running (again), which, enough said.

For the next few months, my church is making our way through 1 & 2 Thessalonians. This past Sunday, we were encouraged in the way of perseverance. 

Are all these things a coincidence? Absolutely not. Jesus is purposeful and intentional and answering big heart prayers. My theme this year is cultivate, and He is doing just that, building parts of my faith that I didn't really know existed, strengthening parts of it that already do. Perseverance seems grueling and exhausting; the connotation seems negative. We tell people to persevere when they are weak and hurt and amidst a trial, but what about persevering through normal things? Like maybe young motherhood, singleness, a mediocre job, financial problems, the last semester of high school, a transition in ministry, or cleaning your house after a long day of work? Is perseverance only reserved for the hard seasons in life? 

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...underneath the normal is the hum of God doing the unseen, 
and to see that, we must keep going.

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Right now, my life is not hard. My money is spent on normal adult things, morning coffee, and the occasional adventure or new dress. My time is spent with people I love and who make me laugh and remind me of truth. My relationship with God is good and abundant. And still, there is this quiet whisper underneath all of these studies and sermons and seasons... "Keep going." Sometimes we need that for our everyday, run-of-the-mill lives because underneath the normal is the hum of God doing the unseen, and to see that, we must keep going (because I don't know about you, but I want to see that stuff, the stuff that Jesus is working on underneath it all).

Perseverance is good and necessary regardless of your season or status because it's a means of sanctification. He uses it to make us more like Him, to mold us into strong, loving, gracious, truthful people. Because we don't know what the middle of the story holds and we don't know how the story finishes, but we do know the God who does. We persevere because we know Him. 
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The opposite of impatience is not patience, it is perseverance...

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And recently, my heart has been so impatient and full of questions and wonder. I sat in my chair a few weeks ago, letting the truth of Scripture wash over me, contemplating the lives of the early church, and it struck me... The opposite of patience is not impatience, it is perseverance. When I focus on being patient, I feel stuck and trapped, but when I focus on perseverance, I feel hopeful and aware of what God is teaching me. Patience is birthed out of places of frustration, perseverance is birthed out of places of focus. For me, patience is seen as the last straw, almost like a coping mechanism for when my personal desires are not met. Maybe the goal isn't to become patient, but to build up endurance, to persevere. 

God never calls us to begin, He calls us to finish and to finish well, and by His grace that is actually possible. Perseverance is good. For the student turning in their last assignment of the semester, perseverance is good. For the man who is waiting until marriage and fighting the temptation of pornography, perseverance is good. For the woman wanting a husband or babies or grand babies, perseverance is good. For the new mom who is washing milky bottles instead of washing her hair, perseverance is good. For the person who is interviewing for job after job and facing rejection, perseverance is good.

And so, we persevere, I persevere, because He who calls us is faithful and will give us the grace to endure and to finish. 

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, it would probably look more like big cups of vanilla almond milk and a plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about influence and impact. This weekend, I was reminded of the weight of shepherding the hearts of and showing my high school girls Jesus. It's a good weight, but a weight nonetheless. Who are you shepherding? Who are you showing Jesus to?

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you about the hard places that my heart has been in the past couple weeks. The prayers that are being prayed are new, and not just new for the situation, but new to my whole 26 year old life. It's a little scary, but God is in control and is in the business of being sovereign (unlike us).

If we were on a coffee date, I would gush about Paul E. Miller's "A Praying Life". This book has changed my theology of prayer in all the good ways. I would ask you about your prayer life... How do you pray? What are you praying for? What are you afraid to seek God about?

If we were on a coffee date, I would also gush about "Looking For Lovely" by Annie Downs. Y'all, I bought this book Saturday morning and I was finished by Sunday night. Her writing just gets me, and the best part? IT FEELS LIKE A COFFEE DATE. If you want to borrow it, just let me know, but you should probably buy your own copy because you will want to highlight all the things and write little notes in the margins. 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about "Fixer Upper: Season 2". That coffee shop couple? HOLY MOSES THEY ARE PRECIOUS. Joanna and Chip, can you a.) make me a house and b.) be my best friends? 

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you to read "When Nothing is New" by Greer Oharah. Everything she says here is so good and needed, especially in a culture that expects, creates, and yearns for constant movement and mountain-top experiences. "We find depth when we walk along the same path everyday." YES. SO GOOD.  

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about money and how I am really trying to be a responsible adult with my tax refund, loans, etc. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that Scrivener is hands down the most brilliant software to ever happen to my life. It is built for writers and is so dang simple. I actually got really emotional about it. Does that make me a nerdy girl now? 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about my relationship with my dad. We would talk about the new hope that I have, that maybe the path to redemption is near. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that my heart is longing for the summer. For those of you who know my inner most being, you know that summer is not my jam, so this is new for me. My heart is craving the beach, a good book, a big acai bowl/balboa bar, and bonfires. Really, I am just so excited for summer adventures. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you how you are doing, what you are reading, and are you just as obsessed with Joanna Gaines as much as I am? (Honestly, I may need an intervention.)

on grey areas & temper tantrums...

Confession: I have temper tantrums with Jesus.

I think that He is big enough to handle me, so it's what I do, I have it out with God. King David taught me this; when I look at the Psalms, this man was not afraid to tell God about his emotions, and because I serve that same God, I can do the same thing. But this time was a little different... I told Him I rejected His answer because His answer (to me) isn't an answer at all. I have never done that before. It was a little scary, honestly. But, being real with God is scary because it’s real in the most real way.

In one little big area of my life, God is giving me a lot of grey, a lot of maybe and wait, a lot of limbo. And by a lot, I mean A LOT. We don't like when the answers are grey, we want black and white, we want guidance and plans and clarity. For the past week or so, I have been asking God for clarity, to remove the grey and replace it with black. Or white. Or even red. Just something other than grey, please. The grey-maybe-wait-limbo area is NOT comfortable or fun and I have been asking God for a semblance, a shred, a little something. But He keeps giving me more grey. And then, God was faithful to bring me to this piece of writing by Emily Freeman a couple days ago and it completely wrecked me in the best possible way:

"...we’ve developed a bad habit of praying for clarity. We want to know the plan before we agree to it, but we’re beginning to understand that’s not really how You roll. You never promised clarity… You are not a God who offers clear steps. You invited Abraham outside and told him to look up at the stars... You gave Moses a vision of a Promised Land flowing with milk and honey... No, You never promised clarity. But You always gave a hopeful vision. And You always promise presence…."

I read this truth and God reminded me that hope is not contingent on clarity. We have hope regardless of sight or knowledge. We have hope because He is hope. My poor, fickle heart has been striving to find clarity and hope in earthly ways, and it is just plain exhausted. I am the modern day Sarai, wanting to take plans into her own hands.

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...hope is not contingent on clarity...

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I came to God with this exhausted heart, the one that is reeling from sin and strife. I felt like God saw my temper tantrum, met me in it, and said "Child, just because its grey, doesn't mean it's not being worked through or that I don’t have a plan, because I do." I don’t know about you, but I am desperate for those moments with Him, for Him to tell me that He is in control and that I am safe in that place.  

So, where do I go from here? I trust Him. I surrender. I pray. People, please know that it is so much easier said than done. I am not the person who writes those words flippantly; to trust God is hard and weighty and it is different for everyone. I will continue to trust and hope and pray, because He has a plan, and just because I don't know what the plan looks like doesn't mean that it is non-existent. #ouch

What are the hard things you are bringing before God?

Do you feel you can be honest with Him?

How do you remind yourself to hope?

*PS: Read Emily Freeman's full post here!*

on grace expectations...

Have you ever tried to eye-ball a recipe? I am always a little jealous of and perplexed by the men and women on cooking shows (and in life) who can just throw in all the things and out pops this amazing treat with perfectly iced frosting and lavender sprigs. Let me just tell you, measuring cups are a blessing and I use them often because if I did a whole "dash of this" and "a cup or so of that", my treat would end up being a HOT MESS. It's happened before. When I try to use my own measurements, I always fall short. (Except for when I make pancakes, because how could you ruin pancakes with a splash of vanilla and a dash of cinnamon?) I routinely give up on the homemade and take a trip to the local Vons for my favorite Susan Cookies. 
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When I try to use my own measurements, I always fall short...

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Do you ever feel like you just don't measure up? Maybe you feel you don't measure up to a standard that you have created or that the world created. Maybe you feel you don't measure up to a perceived ideal of someone else's expectations. Maybe you feel less-than in all of your ways. There are so many expectations; we live in the tension between too much and not enough. We wonder if we are too loud, quiet, strong, weak, fat, skinny, godly, funny, confident, pretty, and muscle-y. We wonder if we aren't loud, quiet, strong, weak, fat, skinny, godly, funny, confident, pretty, and muscle-y enough. We have these standards that have been imposed on us, expectations that we have cultivated in our own hearts, and we believe the lie that says if we just.

I am always scared that I am not what other people expect me to be; what if I am not funny enough? skinny enough? pretty enough? godly enough? involved enough? I am always scared that I am not what I expect me to be; what if I never get married? have children? write a book? attain my career goals? be a good Christian?

The shackles of expectation and the weight of failure are the heaviest burden, but Jesus says that we should come to Him, for His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Our standards create fear, His create comfort; there is grace in His standards, so how much more should we extend grace to ourselves? What standard are you measuring yourself by? What do you think you will gain? And what if you actually never gain it?

Now hear me when I say this... I am not saying give up, I am saying give grace. So maybe you can't fit into a size two pants, or lift 300 pounds at Crossfit, or have time to make organic baby food from your own garden. Grace says SO WHAT. Grace looks at your lists and standards and comparison and gives them the stink eye. Grace says the yoke is easy and the burden is light. Grace says give grace.

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Don't give up, give grace...

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Let's cling to grace expectations rather than great expectations. What if we cast away the shackles of standards and self-imposed measurements and exhibited grace not just to friends and family, but to ourselves? Because the yoke is easy and the burden is light... Because grace doesn't need to be deeper, it is deeper.

on grape juice & crackers...

There were more empty chairs than usual last night. Empty chairs in the church, full chairs in the slew of restaurants around town.

We took communion on Valentines Day. I don't think I have ever taken communion on Valentines Day before; we sang about God being the Good Father, how it's who He is and how we are loved by Him, and I couldn't help but dwell on the love, the cup, the bread, the secret things.

The cup and the bread, representing the blood and the body that was spilled and broken for me, for you, for humanity in its entirety. The death that brought hope; the death that ushered in salvation and life and faith. My heart pounded as this verse was read, reminding me of my sin, reminding me that I am not in control and that that I am wanting things that do not even belong to me.
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"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that

 are revealed belong to us and to our children forever…" 

- Deuteronomy 29:29

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What are the secret things? What are the things that you think you have the right to know, but God reserves that right only for Himself? Maybe it's the secret of marriage, the secret of babies, the secret of salvation for family members, the secret of healing from sickness, the secret of writing a book or starting a non-profit. Our hearts yearn for knowledge, sometimes we seek the answers to the secret things more than our Savior. The cup, the blood, holds those secret things safely. The bread, the body, was broken in order to give life to those secret things. Just because there are things you haven't yet been given or things that have not yet been revealed to you, doesn't mean that they don't exist or that they are in an unsafe place. The secret things are safe, they are safe. 

I stared into the cup of grape juice and into my hand where the dried, broken piece of cracker lay, and I repented. I asked for forgiveness, not out of shame, but out of thankfulness. The Lord sees my heart, the wickedness and the wanting, but He gives me the cup and the bread, which is deeper still. 

The secret things are in the safest place, the hands of the Good, Good Father. Who am I to think my hands are safer than His? Or that my plans are wiser? My heart was overwhelmed with recognition of my sin; no, I was not knee-deep in the "big" sins, but I was knee-deep in the anxiety of trying to figure it all out, trying to be in control, and that may not be categorized as a "big" sin on the spectrum of American Christianity, but it felt just as heavy and weighty and big. 

So I sat there, asking for repentance, praying for forgiveness of these things. There is a freedom in prayer, because you are reminded of grace and the easy yoke. 

Forgive me for thinking that the secret things are my things.

Forgive me for wanting the secret things more than the Sacred Thing.

Forgive me for doubting that the secret things are safe in Your hands.

Forgive me for thinking that my ways are higher than your ways.

Forgive me for not trusting in Your sovereignty and goodness.

Forgive me for choosing future hopes over my present beauty.

Forgive me for trying to carry the sin that you have already buried in the grave.

Forgive me for not grieving my own sin.

Forgive me for seeking signs and wonders.

Forgive me in your mercy and goodness and grace.

I want to trust God with the secret things, with my sanctification, with the heaviness of my sin. I am walking away from taking a big drink from the cup and a hearty piece of cracker, knowing that God is in control and that He is big and mighty and capable.

Who needs chocolate and flowers when you have grape juice and crackers. 

He Is Establishing Good Things...

Holidays are my jam.

I love spending time baking treats, picking out the perfect gifts for friends and family, planning and attending parties, going to church events, traveling, and Black Friday. I am a Type-A, list making, over-packing, what-if, always-be-prepared-like-the-girl-scouts kind of person, and the holidays bring out the best of that side.

But in the midst of all the hustle and bustle, something unaccounted for will always surface. You forgot your passport at home, you forgot your aunt is allergic to almonds, you forgot your best friend’s gift on your kitchen table, or you have been driving the north freeway for two hours and just realized you need to be on the south freeway (true story, people).

We can make mile-long lists and set alarms and make three trips to Target, but sometimes things just don’t go the way that we expect. This is true about life in general. Some of us thought we’d be married already. Some of us expected to be serving God overseas by this time last year. Some of us planned on the adoption finally going through. Some of us never planned on battling infertility or miscarriage or losing a child...

Join me over at Incourage (HERE) to read the rest!

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, I would probably order a standard iced-something, because it is still too hot to even enjoy a pumpkin spice latte.

If we were on a coffee date, I would talk about Emily P. Freeman’s book “Simply Tuesday”. Everyone needs to read this RIGHT NOW. I am loving her writing style and the way that she is coaxing our culture back into smallness.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I have noticed a pattern in what God is teaching me. He is not teaching me new things, but teaching me old things, because I have forgotten them. I am in a season where He is reminding me of what I already know of Him, of humanity, and of myself.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about the Emmy’s and how this award ceremony redeemed all the others from this year. #violadavis

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you in what areas in your life do you misunderstand God? I would share mine with you, and we would probably cry.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about the @socalitybarbie Instagram account because I think it is incredibly hilarious and fascinating. We would scroll through it, laughing and talking about how this Barbie is better at Instagram than we are and about how this Instagram account says a lot about our society in the 21^st century.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that the new Enrique Iglesias song is my new jam. Also, “Real Men Love Jesus” by Michael Ray. YES THEY DO MICHAEL, YES THEY DO.

If we were on a coffee date, what would you want to talk about?

jesus, just please...

You would have no idea. You would have no idea that right now I am in one of the hardest seasons of my life, emotionally and sort of spiritually. The LORD has gifted me with joy, and sometimes, because of that, my life seems joyful through and through. It’s not.

My inner people, my kindreds, know this. They know that I just don’t know right now. They know that I am in an overwhelmingly painful and numbing season, which doesn’t make sense but also makes all the sense at the same time.

My prayers are short and small and simple. Because I don’t know how to pray through this. My role, my responsibility, my identity…

I just don’t know how.

Through this season, I am learning the immense truth of His strength versus my own. A lot of times, we diminish God’s strength into a strength that gets us through busy days without coffee or other trivial means, but friends, His strength was never meant to replace a cup of coffee, it is meant to carry you through the trials and burdens of this fallen world; His strength is meant to replace our weakness. In the moments where we just really don’t know how to and the moments where we just simply can’t, He knows and He can.

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...His strength was never meant to replace a cup of coffee, it is meant 

to carry you through the trials and burdens of this fallen world; 

His strength is meant to replace our weakness...

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My prayer for the past weeks has been, “Jesus, just please.” I may not know how, but He does, and there is power in the name of Jesus when we call on it.

Jesus, just please for strength.

Jesus, just please for comfort.

Jesus, just please for hope.

Jesus, just please for wisdom.

Jesus, just please.

Let’s remember the strength of Christ, the kind that bled and died up on His Cross, not the kind that we think we can replace with a cup of coffee. Let’s remember that when we ask Him to just please, He will, even if we don’t know what that means.

the if: gathering (the first day)...

There I was, sitting, preparing, praying.

I was beyond excited to begin the journey that God had for me this weekend; again, He was already doing a lot of work in my heart and I knew this weekend would intensify that.

The Lord was faithful to give me so many things this weekend, so many gleanings that I am still processing through and harvesting in my heart. The speakers and guests at this conference were so vulnerable and transparent, and I am so thankful for that. Leading out of vulnerability is one of my personal mantras, so to see these women leading others through the rough periods of their life, where they had been in the wilderness, where life beat them and broke them, was such an honor. We heard from Jessica Sowards and April Smith who taught us “we can dance upon graves because we have Jesus” and that “we won’t just move mountains, we will burn them to the ground.” Powerful things, friends.

Founder of IF, Jennie Allen, set the tone for the weekend as we studied Numbers 13 and when she posed the questions:

Am I enough?

Are we going to be safe?

What will this cost me?

These questions are basic, but have intrinsic value to our souls. I recently met with a counselor at my church to greater understand trust and safety within relationships. He said that 2/3 of these questions are what we bring into this world, and our view is slowly molded in our experiences of God, people, and ourselves. Mercy. (I wish I had time to diviulge all of his wisdom! Another post for another time…)

Jennie led us to the place where we saw two storylines in the story of the Israelites… one of faith and one by sight; the two saw the land of milk and honey from the vantage point of faith, while the ten simply saw the giants ahead. They must have wondered, “If God is real, then what am I doing in the desert?” And friends, don’t we do that so often? If God is real, then why does my mom have cancer? If God is real, then why did my husband die overseas? If God is real, then why am I struggling to provide for myself? If God is real… BIG, HARD, MESSY QUESTIONS Y’ALL.

After a small break, we returned to hear Angie Smith, Jo Saxton, and Rebekah Lyons. Each woman, so full of life and redemption, each with amazing stories and passions… Angie Smith, our resident Natalie Portman look-alike, shared deep wounds of her past, encouraging women in their gifting’s and passions. She spoke on her desire to be a soccer player (and I instantly remembered my soccer days as a sweeper and forward and became instantly exhausted… for the love, SO MUCH RUNNING!) but her place as a cheerleader. Somehow, she saw being a cheerleader as being less then a soccer player. And her words spoke conviction to the crowd of 2,000 as she stated, “Angie, who told you that being a cheerleader wasn’t important?” Who has told us that we aren’t important? That being a mom isn’t important? That being a single woman in ministry isn’t important? That being a businesswoman wasn’t important? Holy Moses, truth sunk in hard…

“I stopped valuing my gifts because they weren’t what I valued in others…”

“We all have a want to be legitimate; we want something to legitimize our work, our places, our identities…”

On the panel of three, I have to admit, Jo Saxton was my absolute favorite. She is a passionate African-American woman with an incredible English accent; she immediately captured us with her humor, her story, and her gleanings on faith and the Israelites.

“We don’t live beyond what we think of ourselves; we cant live in the fullness of His promises without living in the fullness of our identities… Do you see yourself as a grasshopper?”

She spoke on the 12 tribes, how the Amalekites and Jebusites and Levites and all the other tribes were known for being the bullies or the ones with the great riches or the ones with the land and how we have our own tribes that captivate us; we have our own kingdom mindsets that trap us and enslave us with unbelief.

“Free people free people…”

Then, she spoke about her earthly father and the absence of him in her life. And friends, I have never been one to resent my earthly father for his lack of presence in my life, but Jo brought me to that place of emotion and feeling that I had no idea was there. She put words to feelings that have been resting deep down in my heart.

“How do I know that my Heavenly Father is for me when my

earthly father wasn’t?”

And that was when my jaw dropped to the floor. I don’t know how a father acts to his children because I never experienced that; I don’t know a father’s touch, his provision, his protection, his unconditional love. I know the opposite. And how does that impact my relationship with God? Gosh, my heart was pounding, my mind racing. I am still processing through this, even today as I type this.

Next, Rebekah Lyons shared with us her passion and desire for repentance in this generation, for a revival and circumcision of the heart. She stated that revival is “the infusion of the Spirit into the body that threatens to be a corpse”. May we be women who come fully alive in the blood of Christ!

We had a dinner break where I met two wonderful women from Texas. We shared life stories and queso and chips and I had the best enchiladas mole that I have ever tasted. (When in Texas, right?)

Now friends, here is the highlight of my weekend… JEN HATMAKER. I am confident that Jen Hatmaker and I would be great friends. She is that blend of godly and real that makes the devil fear for his life. I am so thankful that she writes and shares with the world her raw moments of motherhood, being a wife, being a follower of Christ. I thought I couldn’t speak more highly of her UNTIL FEBRUARY 6, 2015.

Jen walked up onto the stage in her big earrings and poncho, beautiful and eclectic as ever. And let me tell you, she captivated us with humor and truth for the next thirty minutes. She shared about her father and his character and how he “over-loved” her and her siblings. And then she went to that place where my heart heard things that I desperately needed to hear from the Lord. Here are ALL MY NOTES, free of charge:

“When you believe someone, you believe what they say about you…”

“Kingdom ways aren’t practical ways…”

“Expect a battle for faith; we become powerful with faith, it moves from our heads and into our lives…”

“We live out God’s kingdom to the fullness that we believe in it…”

“It can be so hard to trust a God who continuously sends us to the hard places; our limits blind us to Gods capacity…”

“We don’t believe in ourselves in Him,

we believe in ourselves in ourselves…”

“You don’t need full confidence in yourself,

you need full confidence in God…”

“Tiny God categories DON’T work…”

“Don’t wait until you have full possession of knowledge before you take full possession of God… Faith does not demand that God always explain Himself... Faith actually remains in tact and thrives in that place…”

“Faith does not inoculate us from being human…”

“What you want to be true in the day,

you find out if it is true in the night…”

“The Israelites were abused and tender, coming 
out of slavery and bondage mere weeks ago… 
the Promised Land was too terrifying to hope for…”

“Freedom, at times, is impossible to believe in.

Bondage is familiar, and we cling to that place…”

“Give your heart permission to trust Him…”

“Faith isn’t a formula to get to the good stuff… it is the good stuff…”

“Faith doesn’t rid us of insecurity, it overcomes it…”

“It is safe to trust a faithful God…”

All of these are amazing reflections, but can we notice where she starts talking about the Israelites? About how they were bruised and tender from bondage, and that His promises were actually too terrifying to hope for, to believe in? I AM AN ISRAELITE; I am coming out of a season where God was silent, where my heart was crushed, where I couldn’t see anything to hope in or for, and when I did, it was absolutely one-hundred percent too wonderful, so I retreated into fear, into doubt, into anxiety. I am telling you, coming from that place, I needed to hear and be reminded that faith is a good thing, that it is a hard thing, that I can have permission to trust a completely faithful God.

I think it is safe to say that good ole’ Jen rocked my spiritual world. Thank you and goodnight.

Next up were Bob and “Sweet” Maria Goff. What a fantastic, lively couple! They shared about their platform of love and how it has affected their marriage. Maria shared what it is like to love and support a man who is constantly adventuring and Bob shared about men, their fears and what they respect in a woman… And then, she said this:

“People who love people like Jesus are constantly misunderstood…”

SO GOOD. (Also, I was “so good-ing” all weekend. Just call me Jimmy Fallon.)

Next, Shelley Giglio led us women in a time of reflection and “selah”. A few more IF women spoke, and let me just tell you about the moment I had with Debbie Eaton… Debbie Eaton is an incredibly sweet woman, committed to the IF vision out here in Southern California. Debbie walked up on stage, took the microphone, and people, I FELT LIKE SHE WAS TELLING MY STORY. She stood there and told us that she was in a place of stillness, that the Lord was requiring her to be still and to watch Him do things. “God’s acceptance is not in the doing…” she said. “Yield to the pruning...” she said. “Be still and know that He is God…” she said. Chills covered every single crevice of my body… She just summed up my entire current convictions, the past three months of my life, and frankly, the year leading up to this year. It was like she knew. And she did. And I can’t wait to email her and meet her in Southern California.

And then Maragaret Feinberg stepped on to the stage and the tears fell out of my eyes. She shared about her battle with breast cancer and how the cancer may be gone, but the effects are not. She shared that God spoke to her amidst her healing…

“You don’t negotiate with me, you pray for your WHOLE healing…”

Our God is not one of negotiation when it comes to provision and healing, He is a God of full restoriation and redemption. ALL THE TEARS.

Ann Voskamp followed with a powerful monologue about brokenness… that the broken place is the breaking free place, that the Lord unfolds the folds of us and absorbs the quakes of our fears. We must break in order to give…

And that was the end of the first day, and the women saw that it was good.

Honestly friends, I have so much to dwell on and think through still. Looking over my notes, gleaning seconds from my first fruits of the conference, heart still racing at the things Jesus spoke to me.

And then, the sun rose on the second day...