Wednesday, March 30, 2016

on grey areas & temper tantrums...

Confession: I have temper tantrums with Jesus.

I think that He is big enough to handle me, so it's what I do, I have it out with God. King David taught me this; when I look at the Psalms, this man was not afraid to tell God about his emotions, and because I serve that same God, I can do the same thing. But this time was a little different... I told Him I rejected His answer because His answer (to me) isn't an answer at all. I have never done that before. It was a little scary, honestly. But, being real with God is scary because it’s real in the most real way.

In one little big area of my life, God is giving me a lot of grey, a lot of maybe and wait, a lot of limbo. And by a lot, I mean A LOT. We don't like when the answers are grey, we want black and white, we want guidance and plans and clarity. For the past week or so, I have been asking God for clarity, to remove the grey and replace it with black. Or white. Or even red. Just something other than grey, please. The grey-maybe-wait-limbo area is NOT comfortable or fun and I have been asking God for a semblance, a shred, a little something. But He keeps giving me more greyAnd then, God was faithful to bring me to this piece of writing by Emily Freeman a couple days ago and it completely wrecked me in the best possible way:

"...we’ve developed a bad habit of praying for clarity. We want to know the plan before we agree to it, but we’re beginning to understand that’s not really how You roll. You never promised clarity… You are not a God who offers clear steps. You invited Abraham outside and told him to look up at the stars... You gave Moses a vision of a Promised Land flowing with milk and honey... No, You never promised clarity. But You always gave a hopeful vision. And You always promise presence…."

I read this truth and God reminded me that hope is not contingent on clarity. We have hope regardless of sight or knowledge. We have hope because He is hope. My poor, fickle heart has been striving to find clarity and hope in earthly ways, and it is just plain exhausted. I am the modern day Sarai, wanting to take plans into her own hands.
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...hope is not contingent on clarity...
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I came to God with this exhausted heart, the one that is reeling from sin and strife. I felt like God saw my temper tantrum, met me in it, and said "Child, just because its grey, doesn't mean it's not being worked through or that I don’t have a plan, because I do." I don’t know about you, but I am desperate for those moments with Him, for Him to tell me that He is in control and that I am safe in that place.  

So, where do I go from here? I trust Him. I surrender. I pray. People, please know that it is so much easier said than done. I am not the person who writes those words flippantly; to trust God is hard and weighty and it is different for everyone. I will continue to trust and hope and pray, because He has a plan, and just because I don't know what the plan looks like doesn't mean that it is non-existent. #ouch

What are the hard things you are bringing before God?
Do you feel you can be honest with Him?
How do you remind yourself to hope?

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