on the capacity for love (and donuts)...

It has taken me a long time to stand where I am standing, in this place where I am "okay" with Valentines Day. More so, I even kind of like it love it. I am not rolling my eyes at the many social media postings of dating/engaged/married friends, lamenting over the date-less night I have ahead of me, or even joining in on the "Singleness Awareness Day" bandwagon. No no, this year is a little bit different.

Valentines Day has always been a little somber for me, a reminder of the lack of love in my life. This year, by God's grace, I see it as a celebration of all the love I have received and been honored to give to friends and family. Call it wisdom, call it age, call it whatever you want, but God has slowly and tenderly been reminding me how much I am loved and how much I am able to love people. And the craziest thing? It has not been through a romantic relationship! I have never felt more loved than by my community, by the men and women in my life who love me in the smallest, most non-romantic ways. When I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved.
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"...when I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am 

given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved..."

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To celebrate love ONLY in the context of a romantic relationship is missing the whole point of what love truly is; love is an extension of Christ, the One who gave His life in replacement of ours, and to only reserve it for a romantic relationship? Well, that's cheating and cheapening the love of our Savior. To only reserve love for a romantic relationship, to essentially one person, is to cheat and cheapen the work of the Cross. We must allow God to expand and redefine our definition of love so that it includes our friends, our families, and our special someones. Love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love.
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"...love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love...."

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We have the capacity to love only because we have been loved by Christ; He shows us how and who to love (which, by the way, is unconditional and all inclusive). Whether I am single or married, divorced or widowed, I want to love people. I want to bring them donuts and pray with them and hold them while they cry; I want to love them the way that Christ loves them, which was extravagant and exhausting and self-sacrificing. Being single should not hinder me from loving, but rather give me the freedom to love and be loved by others.

Lord, enlarge our hearts past holidays and circumstances and statuses.
Lord, grant us the capacity to love unconditionally and inclusively.
Lord, enable us to love others without expecting anything in return.
Lord, help us to receive love when others give it to us.
Lord, remind us that love is not a feeling, but a choice.
Lord, expand our capacity to love and be loved by Your people.

So today, love your people, buy the donuts, and be encouraged, 
because Christ has given you the capacity. 

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, there would be tasty drinks and chocolate chip cookies crumbs all over the table. We would about how it is already August and lament over how fast everything goes.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about the balance of health and identity in Christ. I think that this is a hard line to walk, whether you are male or female. 

If we were on a coffee date, there would be lots of talk about my high school people (but what's new?).

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about how I am an MAID OF HONOR. I mean, this is going to be so much fun. Am I going to freak out over everything being absolutely perfect? Yes. But, I am going to kill this MOH business because I have Pinterest, coffee, Jesus, and friends. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I am slightly obsessed with James Taylor McCoy from "The Bachelorette". He has completely stolen my little heart (or at least, the part that can be stolen for a reality TV star!) and I may or may not have a face-swapped photo with him on my phone. 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about Alton Sterling, Philandro Castille, and the police officers. We would talk about how our hearts can be big enough to pray for them all because these losses are all important, completely devastating, and deeply felt. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that this week I needed to be told that my desire for marriage is not trivial or stupid, but that it is actually placed in my heart by a God who sees. We would talk about how there is no formula for anything. We would talk about how men and women are fundamentally different, but God makes it work, somehow. 

If we were on a coffee date, you would tell me what you are reading, what God is teaching you, how you are trusting Him right now. We would probably exchange crazy stories about a sneaky Jesus who always answers prayers in ways that we don't expect.

If we were on a coffee date, you might ask me about my family and I would tell you my story and how sometimes I feel like Lot's Wife, tempted to look back at things that I think I need, love, am obligated to. We would also talk about Rachel and Leah and Dinah and pretty much all the women of the Old Testament.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about how busy these next five months are going to be, August in particular. 

If we were on a coffee date, what would you tell me about your world right now?

on grey areas & temper tantrums...

Confession: I have temper tantrums with Jesus.

I think that He is big enough to handle me, so it's what I do, I have it out with God. King David taught me this; when I look at the Psalms, this man was not afraid to tell God about his emotions, and because I serve that same God, I can do the same thing. But this time was a little different... I told Him I rejected His answer because His answer (to me) isn't an answer at all. I have never done that before. It was a little scary, honestly. But, being real with God is scary because it’s real in the most real way.

In one little big area of my life, God is giving me a lot of grey, a lot of maybe and wait, a lot of limbo. And by a lot, I mean A LOT. We don't like when the answers are grey, we want black and white, we want guidance and plans and clarity. For the past week or so, I have been asking God for clarity, to remove the grey and replace it with black. Or white. Or even red. Just something other than grey, please. The grey-maybe-wait-limbo area is NOT comfortable or fun and I have been asking God for a semblance, a shred, a little something. But He keeps giving me more grey. And then, God was faithful to bring me to this piece of writing by Emily Freeman a couple days ago and it completely wrecked me in the best possible way:

"...we’ve developed a bad habit of praying for clarity. We want to know the plan before we agree to it, but we’re beginning to understand that’s not really how You roll. You never promised clarity… You are not a God who offers clear steps. You invited Abraham outside and told him to look up at the stars... You gave Moses a vision of a Promised Land flowing with milk and honey... No, You never promised clarity. But You always gave a hopeful vision. And You always promise presence…."

I read this truth and God reminded me that hope is not contingent on clarity. We have hope regardless of sight or knowledge. We have hope because He is hope. My poor, fickle heart has been striving to find clarity and hope in earthly ways, and it is just plain exhausted. I am the modern day Sarai, wanting to take plans into her own hands.

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...hope is not contingent on clarity...

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I came to God with this exhausted heart, the one that is reeling from sin and strife. I felt like God saw my temper tantrum, met me in it, and said "Child, just because its grey, doesn't mean it's not being worked through or that I don’t have a plan, because I do." I don’t know about you, but I am desperate for those moments with Him, for Him to tell me that He is in control and that I am safe in that place.  

So, where do I go from here? I trust Him. I surrender. I pray. People, please know that it is so much easier said than done. I am not the person who writes those words flippantly; to trust God is hard and weighty and it is different for everyone. I will continue to trust and hope and pray, because He has a plan, and just because I don't know what the plan looks like doesn't mean that it is non-existent. #ouch

What are the hard things you are bringing before God?

Do you feel you can be honest with Him?

How do you remind yourself to hope?

*PS: Read Emily Freeman's full post here!*

on llamas, friendship, and South America...

It has been almost a week and a half since I have been back in America, and I think that I am finally back into the swing of things! I finally got around to unpacking, doing two loads of laundry, packaging gifts, and writing this little (big) post!

This trip was my first international, non-mission trip vacation. I learned a lot about who "Kristi the International Traveler" is and about how I approach other countries on my terms. Nothing like a little international travelling to lead you to self-discovery! I went to Ecuador to visit my sweet, kindred friend Tiffany while she works for a study abroad program; she returns to America in May, so I had to make plans to visit fast! Last year, we took a road trip to Big Sur and the the California Coast, and this year I went to Quito, Ecuador... We are thinking March will be a yearly thing for our friendship. I can't wait to see what we do next year! My mind is already brainstorming through so many possibilities!

It was amazing to be able to visit her and see her life there in Quito; her community, how she loves others, her daily grind, and to experience a place that is so close to her heart and so deeply woven into God's story for her life. It's amazing that now, I can even call some of them my friends! Over ten days, we spent our time hiking through local parks, debating on whether I should get a tattoo, getting my hair cut, running around with wild llamas, getting a great tan, eating all the empanadas, drinking all the coffee, and talking about all the things.

I will always remember the empanadas de morocho from La Ronda, the dark chocolate pie and lattes from Lucia's, the not-so-Indian Indian food from a local restaurant, standing in the middle of the world, and the popcorn we ate for two hours while we waited out a thunder and lightning storm on my first day. 

My favorite adventures? The Basillica, The Parque Metropolitano, the Jardin Botanico, and Mitad De Mundo. The Parque Metropolitano is a beautiful park full of beautiful hiking trails, monuments, views of Quito, and WILD LLAMAS. Yes, you read that right. Also, did I break into the little fenced off area to hang out with said llamas? Yes, because when in Ecuador you do as the Ecuadorians do. On my last day, we drove three hours via bus and taxi to spend the day in Mitad De Mundo (The Middle of the World/ The Equator) and to a little jungle city called Mindo. We had lunch at a place called The Dragonfly Inn (just like "Gilmore Girls"!) on the river and ventured to a Mariposeria (Butterfly Garden) where we laid around in hammocks and watched the hummingbirds and butterflies fly around. It was one of the most beautiful, relaxing experiences. Another treat? The Jardin Botanico De Quito! A beautiful garden of greenhouses filled with succulents, hanging plants, tropical flowers, and cacti. We felt like we were walked through the most whimsical fairy neverland.

Here's to Quito and to many more adventures ahead!

PS: What have you been up to? Tell me about it!

a mid-trip update...

Hola from Ecuador!

A quick update from South America:

One: If you ever find yourself in Quito, make sure that you drink your weight in coffee. Also, stop by Lucia's Pie & Grill for the best chocolate pie you will ever have in your life.

Two: You are closer to the sun, so you tan really easy (and burn faster). But the good news is, I am going to come back looking like a tan South American goddess. 

Three: This trip has already been full of fun, life-giving conversations and those are what I will remember about my time here. 

Four: ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE WILD LLAMAS, even if that means you sneak into their pen. (Question: are llamas violent? Also, did you know they are really fast?)

Five: The views are beyond gorgeous. I'm blown away by the mountains and lush trees.

Stay tuned!
Besos!

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that my new job at CBU is pretty much the best thing ever. Each day I wake up with such peace and purpose; I know that God is completely in this new position and new season and I am just overwhelmed with thankfulness, truly.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I am dying to see the new Amy Schumer movie, “Trainwreck”. It is a super salty movie, but I would like to acknowledge that I am a human being, and even more so a sinner, and I can appreciate a good joke here and there. Actually, I can appreciate very much. Popcorn, Junior Mints, and Amy Schumer… I am coming for you!

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you about the new series that my church is currently in, The Art of Forgiveness. Honestly, it is the series that I didn’t know that I needed. Generally, I can forgive people (Disclaimer: I haven’t been deeply hurt or wounded like many people I know; I have never had my heart broken, never lost a loved one to a drunk driver or murderer, never had something stolen or taken from me, so yes, forgiveness is something that kind of just flows out of me.). Each week, the Lord has brought something or someone to memory, either someone to forgive, something to forgive, sometimes reminding me to forgive myself. I am also learning a lot about trust and past wounds and what trust issues actually look like for some people. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you what God has been teaching you lately… How has He been moving? What does He keep recalling to your mind? What have you been praying through? What Scriptures have been on your heart lately? You know, the usual.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I am itching to be up at Summer Camp with my girls. The fact that I am not up there right now makes me want to eat an entire pint of ice cream and watch a Nicholas Sparks movie. Send help. And Cherry Garcia.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that we are knee-deep in a summer storm, complete with lightning, thunder, and humidity. This kind of weather is my favorite weather and reminds me of the summers I spent my time in the Carolinas, Louisiana, and Georgia. #southernsoul

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you to buy the “Island Moonlight” candle from Target. It is roughly $10 and smells EXACTLY like the Volcano Blue candles from Anthropologie. As much as that smell makes me swoon, I am not about to spend an entire days work on that candle, so thank you Target for meeting yet another need in my life.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that right now, life is pretty awesome. Despite the weird idea of planning for a retirement in 2055 and being a little bit more tired and off my work-out schedule, this new season is just peachy and sweet and a ball of fun!

What season are you in?

Are you judging me for my love of Amy Schumer?

What would you tell me if we were on a coffee date?

three years & three cheers to CBU...

Big News!

I mentioned in a previous post that my life was about to change, that I had exciting news… And I do! Drum roll please… You are looking at the new Receptionist for University Card Services at California Baptist University! People, this is huge and big and awesome and crazy. And here is a little bit (or a lot bit) of insight into my whole process…

Things that I need to recognize up front:

1. God’s timing is perfect; He is sovereign and good and the fact that I question this makes me the lamest person alive.

2. I am about three years ahead of God in all things. Seriously, I have a pattern.

3. His peace surpasses all things.

Roughly a year ago, I began the interview process for a full-time position at my alma mater, California Baptist University; long story short, it was a year of interviewing, waiting, and praying. Except, I want to give you the long story long because it magnifies God’s sovereignty and is just so good.

I have always wanted to work at CBU; I was told over and over that I would end up being one of those people who would “get stuck” here, and to tell you the truth, that sounded like heaven. CBU was my first home away from home, the place where Teenage Kristi became Adult Kristi. My heart will always be for CBU and for student services, and that desire grew my senior year. I applied vigorously for positions the months before graduation and the months after, thinking that I would work for CBU right out of college… NOPE. That did not work out and I really struggled with that. Naturally, I ended up working for my church with our junior high students and I LOVED IT. Please hear me say that I don’t view that as time wasted, it was just not what I originally planned for. But, my desire to work at CBU was not granted until three years later… Which is apparently my pattern. Seriously. I have noticed that many desires over the course of my life have been planted about three years before they actually come to fruition. Crazy, right? So, long story long…

For a few months last year, I had been applying to various positions within the university. I interviewed for the Financial Aid Department, Graduate Admissions, the School of Education, and a handful more and each led to no avail. I started to question myself and God… Am I not capable? Am I not enough? Is God not capable? Is God not enough? (Seriously, being denied over and over and over will lead you into some crazy wilderness talks with God.) One day, my sweet friend Kelly told me that a new office was hiring and needed a receptionist and that I should apply. I thought about it, prayed about it, and thought why not? (Note: I didn’t seek it out, it completely fell in my lap, which is pretty typical of God… He gives when we least expect it.) I applied that night and received a call the next morning for an interview. After the first interview, a week later I had a phone interview with one of the Deans of Student Services. The next step was to interview with the President. I thought, “This is insane; this came out of left field and it is actually happening! I am interviewing with the President, I am going to work at CBU, GIVE ME A BOX OF TUMS BEFORE I THROW UP.” And then I waited, and waited, and waited some more until I was told the news that pretty much shattered my excitement… CBU entered into a hiring freeze, university wide. I was told that it would be lifted for the Spring semester and that I could be looking at my final interview for December 2014. And then December rolled around, the hiring freeze was not lifted, and I questioned everything. I was told August of 2015. And I doubted. I spent many nights driving and crying and yelling at God. In Riverside, there are orange groves and fields for miles on Victoria Avenue; this is my street. I drive through there with God, windows down, the smell of orange blossoms filling my car, and me talking out life with My Savior. Victoria and I have good memories.

Suddenly, we were in June and I received a call for an interview with the President. I happened to be substituting for a high school art class when I received the call and it took everything within me NOT to just start crying. Luckily, I was in the middle of the prep period and it was totally appropriate for me to answer the phone and start jumping up and down. The following week I interviewed with the President himself, and three days later I was offered the position... 

HALLELUJAH PRAISE GOD I AM CRYING IS THIS REAL LIFE OUCH CHARLIE.

I had three weeks to wrap up three years of youth ministry. Not to mention, my last week employed at my church would be a mission trip! It was the perfect ending to time well spent. We had cake and ice cream, I packed up my desk and my duffle bag and began praying for my transition. My prayer was to finish well, and at times it was very hard, but I think that God honored that prayer.

We came back from our mission trip on Friday and I started my new position Monday. It was crazy, but it was good.

Looking back, the year of waiting was perfect; it was frustrating and confusing, but it was perfect. That year allowed me to finish my time with my 8^th Grade Girls Small Group (and the fact that I now get to move up with them to high school?!?! INSERT A THOUSAND PRAISE HANDS EMOJIS HERE.), to help our new pastor transition into our ministry/church, to begin a journey in counseling, to use my time more liberally (sleeping in, going to Texas, planning a last minute road trip through the Northern Coast, etc.), take some risks and lower my inhibitions, and to settle in to adulthood, kind of. I didn’t know that I needed this past year, but the Lord did, and I really should never question His timing. Proverbs says that we plan all our things but the Lord establishes our steps, and man, am I just so thankful for that. Is it frustrating at times? WELL YES. But, even in the frustration, I am thankful for a God who knows more than I do and has enough love to answer certain prayers with “waits” and “nos”.

So, this past week was my very first week as an official, benefit-receiving, retirement-planning, 8AM – 5PM CBU employee, and it was everything I imagined it to be AND MORE. I was welcomed with open arms, celebrated with balloons, brought in donuts for my staff as we got through (my first) Transfer Student Orientation, and then went out to spend the weekend in San Diego with my best friend. Each day I drive in to work, I am overwhelmed by peace, a peace that I haven’t felt in a long time. The days are full, but rich; I am able to have lunch with past residents and my close friends who work at the university, not to mention Chick-Fil-A is directly across the hall from me (I have told myself that I can only buy lunch there once a week, because health). You guys, it is such a good season and I am so excited to see what God does through this, both in ministry and professionally!

Thank you to every single person who has prayed, encouraged, and loved me through this process. God is faithful and good and sovereign and I still can’t believe that this is real life. I am trying to soak up the blessing of this time and not look for the next season (because as humans, we are really good at not being satisfied, even we are given what we want).

So friends, here’s to three years and three cheers to CBU!  

two years to forever...

This week, my Small Group ended.

This week, I have no words and all the emotions.

Monday night was filled with poolside prayers, laughter, tears, selfies, Del Taco Fiesta Packs, and homemade fried ice cream.  And I cried myself all the way home because God’s love and joy and mercy are so evident in this group.

Two years ago, this group came from the Children’s Ministry on the opposite side of the church, into our ministry, and straight into my heart. This group of girls became my group of girls, and the fact that God allowed me to walk with them for two whole years? I CAN’T EVEN RIGHT NOW. I do not question that God completely orchestrated these relationships, because it has been just about too much for me to handle (in every good way imaginable). Two summers, two springs, two falls, two winters. I have seen them through pains and heartaches and joys and laughter; we’ve been the group who has literally mourned and danced together. I am thankful, my heart is joyful, and my cup is overflowing by the gallons.

Teaching these sweet girls has been the best, but being taught by them has been as equally life giving. These girls have taught me so much about what it means to love unconditionally and to know a mothers heart, because let me tell you what, I did not birth these girls, but my love for them is just as fierce as if I did. If any of these girls become orphans, I am adopting them in a HOT HEARTBEAT. No questions asked, you may as well file the paperwork right now just in case, you know, for safe keeping. They have taught me to stay young and to laugh and to wear green tutus and to live fearlessly. They have taught me to exhibit grace and to go with the flow and that Oreos should be incorporated into 85% of your weekly meals. They have taught me what it means to be “on fleek” and all the other cultural shifts and references that are happening amongst the youths of today. They teach me as I teach them and I love how discipleship is cyclical and benefiting to everyone involved (maybe not the Oreo part…).

Monday night we ended our year, celebrating soccer championships and dance performances, new seasons and transitions and new jobs for their parents, sleepovers and snowball fights and awkward conversations about sex; we celebrated TWO WHOLE GIRLS giving their lives to Jesus. And people, if that isn’t the icing on top of an already sweet two years, I don’t know what is!

I am so dang excited for these girls as they start their new adventure in high school! And like I tell these sweet girls, through many tears, we go to the same church and we will always be each other’s people. This is how they learn that community is built across ministries and across rooms; this is how they learn the meaning of the church itself.

But as they grow up, I have so many hopes and prayers and wants for these girls.

I pray that Monday nights remind them of Oreos and Jesus and Tijuana and dance parties and Alex From Target; that they look back at the memories and laugh until they cry.

I pray that their friendships with each other are knit together in the Lord and that they continue to love and serve and encourage and pray for each other with each passing year. I want them to know that we are forever each other’s people.

I pray that they remember that even adults don’t have it all together and that following Jesus will be hard no matter what age you are. To decide to live as a God-fearing girl is no easy choice, but I pray that they wake up every day with the resolve to live in such a way. It is hard, but it is so worth it.

I pray that they continue to pray for my future husband and that when I introduce them to him, they love him and tell him all the silly stories of our Small Group and our jokes and their prayers. And when children come? I pray that these girls love them and cherish them and buy them all the headbands and bows and maybe one day lead them in a Small Group of their own.

I pray that they go into high school (and all of life’s seasons) with all the confidence because God is right there alongside them. He knows what is ahead and He goes before them and hems them in from behind.

I pray that they seek first the kingdom, that in all they do, they will look for the Jesus in it. I pray that they know God’s Word and they pray and they worship with all they have. I pray that one day they do become youth leaders and have a group of girls just like this that they teach and mentor, that they will know the feeling that I have RIGHT NOW.

I pray that they will always laugh with each other and protect each other and worship with each other. I pray that they come alongside each other in both the joys and the trials.

I pray that they learn their gifting’s and serve God with all of their hearts, with all of their capacity, in any season that they find themselves in.

I pray that we never stop celebrating life together; I pray that my fridge is full of graduation invitations, “Save The Dates”, wedding invitations, prayer cards, and Kodak moments from the previous years of us. I pray we still have sleepovers and snowball fights and dance parties to Taylor Swift. I pray that they know how loved they truly are.

Sitting here, writing these words, I am just so thankful, thankful and overjoyed. I am like a broken record in the best possible way. JUST LOOK AT THEM. They have the sweetest smiles and the biggest hearts and the cutest laughs. Two whole years... Praises! 

And this is why I do ministry, this is why I love these girls, because God moves so mightily in the laughter and the crying and the learning. God moves. 

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about how February and March are my favorite months because at night, the whole city smells like orange blossoms. Our city is home to acres and acres of orange groves, and at night, as the sun is setting, I love taking the long way home with the windows down, the sweet smell filling my car.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I created the perfect playlist on Spotify for my days in the office. It’s amazing what you can accomplish with some good music in the background. Also, “Chains” by Nick Jonas. SO GOOD.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I am taking a road trip with one of my best friends this weekend. We are going to Sausalito, San Francisco, Pescadero, and Big Sur. You guys, I can’t wait. It will be a time full of laughs, good conversation, and great food. Saturday can’t come soon enough!

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you when your last vacation was; do you like travelling? Are you an adventurer? What has been your favorite trip? You favorite new restaurant or coffee shop?

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about faith and conviction and idolatry. I think for the first time ever I have noticed an idol that I have allowed take residency in my heart; this isn’t a new idol, but I have just been given eyes to see it. Recognizing idols is hard, but getting them out of your heart is even harder.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you how I am in a fun month. It is full of adventure, baby showers, bridal showers, junior high events, camping, road trips, (real) coffee dates, house-sitting and planning. God is surely blessing me with some amazing opportunities in the season I am in, and I am so thankful to have the eyes to see that!

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I am loving my time with my junior high girls and the college students I mentor. I am so passionate about discipleship and mentorship and I am so encouraged by all the different lives I am allowed to step into. My heart is bursting, y’all.

What would you want to talk about if

we were on a coffee date?