on snakes and good gifts...

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven given what is good to those who ask Him!"

- Matthew 7: 7-11

When I think of gifts, I do NOT think of stones and snakes. I think of Christmas and birthdays and hand written notes and surprise coffees on my desk (which are always and forever welcomed). It comforts me to know that even in our sinful humanity, we know how to practice the art of gift-giving; we know what would bless our friends and family. I am comforted in the idea that as much as my earthly community seeks to give, the Father desires to give abundantly MORE. 

Matthew 7 is quickly becoming one of my favorite portions of Scripture. It is a portion that reminds us to trust in His character and not in our circumstances. When we come to our Father as children, asking for the desires of our hearts, the deep and heavy things, God does not desire to trick us. He is not scheming and plotting against us, figuring out clever ways to confuse us or hurt us. He does not ignore or forsake or forget, He does not withhold any good thing, He does not give us stones or snakes. He will hear His children and give to them according to His kindness and His will, and when He doesn't give us our specific desires, He gives us Himself, the greatest gift of all. He does not give us stones, because He is the one who rolled the stone away. He does not give us snakes, because He trampled The Snake with His heel. His desire has always been to gift Himself to us, through joy and trial. 
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"He does not give us stones, because He is the one who rolled the stone away. 
He does not give us snakes, because He trampled The Snake with His heel..."

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We all have times where we pray for a good thing and think we have received a snake. Trust me, I have SO been in that place! We think that He is withholding from us, when in reality, He is blessing us with the gift of His sovereignty and protection. When I look at the past, how God has been so faithful to give, protect, and save, why would I ever think He would toss me a stone or a snake? Our God is good and He extends goodness to us always. We have to remember who He is when those snake-like lies slither into our hearts. Every good and perfect gift is from above, and the most good and only perfect gift, Jesus Christ, was sent to us out of the kindness and compassion of the Father. What more could we ever truly ask for? May we trust God as the Almighty Stone Roller and not a stone giver. 

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from 
the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow..."

- James 1:17

Where are you tempted to see snakes and stones in your life?

What are the good gifts you are trusting God for today?

on the capacity for love (and donuts)...

It has taken me a long time to stand where I am standing, in this place where I am "okay" with Valentines Day. More so, I even kind of like it love it. I am not rolling my eyes at the many social media postings of dating/engaged/married friends, lamenting over the date-less night I have ahead of me, or even joining in on the "Singleness Awareness Day" bandwagon. No no, this year is a little bit different.

Valentines Day has always been a little somber for me, a reminder of the lack of love in my life. This year, by God's grace, I see it as a celebration of all the love I have received and been honored to give to friends and family. Call it wisdom, call it age, call it whatever you want, but God has slowly and tenderly been reminding me how much I am loved and how much I am able to love people. And the craziest thing? It has not been through a romantic relationship! I have never felt more loved than by my community, by the men and women in my life who love me in the smallest, most non-romantic ways. When I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved.
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"...when I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am 

given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved..."

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To celebrate love ONLY in the context of a romantic relationship is missing the whole point of what love truly is; love is an extension of Christ, the One who gave His life in replacement of ours, and to only reserve it for a romantic relationship? Well, that's cheating and cheapening the love of our Savior. To only reserve love for a romantic relationship, to essentially one person, is to cheat and cheapen the work of the Cross. We must allow God to expand and redefine our definition of love so that it includes our friends, our families, and our special someones. Love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love.
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"...love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love...."

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We have the capacity to love only because we have been loved by Christ; He shows us how and who to love (which, by the way, is unconditional and all inclusive). Whether I am single or married, divorced or widowed, I want to love people. I want to bring them donuts and pray with them and hold them while they cry; I want to love them the way that Christ loves them, which was extravagant and exhausting and self-sacrificing. Being single should not hinder me from loving, but rather give me the freedom to love and be loved by others.

Lord, enlarge our hearts past holidays and circumstances and statuses.
Lord, grant us the capacity to love unconditionally and inclusively.
Lord, enable us to love others without expecting anything in return.
Lord, help us to receive love when others give it to us.
Lord, remind us that love is not a feeling, but a choice.
Lord, expand our capacity to love and be loved by Your people.

So today, love your people, buy the donuts, and be encouraged, 
because Christ has given you the capacity. 

on guards and walls...

Hi, my name is Kristi, and I am a Feeler.

It's hard living life as a Feeler. Being a Feeler means I filter life through my heart, not my head. Being a Feeler means I bear my burdens and the burdens of others in a very serious way. Being a Feeler means I am quick to trust and quick to love; it means discernment and gut instinct over fact and formula. I tend to love people and things when love doesn't make logical sense. My heart carries a lot within it, and by a lot I mean A FREAKING LOT. I like this about myself, I truly do, but sometimes, having a big heart means you need to install big boundaries. Because when you wear your heart on your sleeve, when you love everyone and everything with all you have, you are exposed to a serious amount of pain, rejection, and false hope.
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"...sometimes, having a big heart means you need to install big boundaries..."

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Recently, I can feel myself beginning to install walls around my heart; big, hefty, Home Depot-type walls. The walls are being laid brick by brick, sort of haphazardly and unintentionally. There is no rhyme or reason, there is just construction. Where once there was liberty to hope, there is the beginnings of a hedge. 

The Bible speaks of the heart as both a wellspring and as wicked. In Proverbs 4:23 we are warned to guard our hearts and in Jeremiah 17:9 we are told that we aren't to trust it. A wellspring bent towards wickedness, that's our heart. Wellsprings and wickedness and walls... What do we do with all of that? (Seriously, asking for a friend myself.)

In an effort to try and understand my own heart and my own hopes, I am resting in a place that says guards are healthy and needed. Guards are healthy, walls are not. Guards are meant to keep something safe while walls are meant to close off. A guard allows my heart to be protected, a wall confines my heart to be hidden. In my plight to keep myself safe, sometimes I end up closing myself off completely, and that is not a tendency that I want to cultivate. 

We all want to be safe. We all want to be protected from pain, from embarrassment, from shame, from false hope. Friends, there is nothing worse than a false hope, of this I am absolutely sure. And this is why I want the walls... I want the walls because earthly love does fail. Earthly love disappoints and expects too much, it has too much potential for pain.  But, in the fear of false hope, we cannot lose all hope. While I was listening to the words of Ellie Holcombs "Love Never Fails", my prayer echos her words: "Oh Lord, help me to live like love never fails..."
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"...in the fear of false hope, we cannot lose all hope..."

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I want to live like love never fails, because real love is unfailing. I want to live like love never fails, because love itself offers as a wall of protection. I want to live like love never fails, because I don't want to live like love fails. When we live like love never fails, we love without fear and without expectation and without walls. 

His hope is secure and His love is unfailing, I am praying my heart finds solace and comfort in that place, and that I allow His secure hope and unfailing love to act as guards, protecting me and softening me from the walls I continue to build.

all the things: may...

I don’t know about you, but May is kind of like the calm before the storm. And because of that, I have been totally stressed and anxious. I know this because my body has decided to freak out and have sinus problems and rib problems and all the problems. But, despite that, May was fun and full of good things. 

Here are all the things (the important ones, at least) of May!

Parks & Rec: I know I am super late to join this bandwagon, but, LESLIE KNOPE IS THE BEST THING EVER. Seriously, this entire show is amazing and I can’t stop laughing and quoting and watching. Each character has something to add (except for April because I generally don’t like weird, dark characters). Ron Swanson? I want him to take me hunting. Leslie Knope? Let’s chat about life over waffles. Ann Perkins? Take my vitals and tell me I am healthy. Chris Trager? Let’s talk about how literally, everything is the best. Tom Haverford? Let’s blow up Instagram and other various social media outlets with photos of us at the best events around town. Every night, I come home to these people and I love them. (This sounds pathetic, but it’s not, it’s pretty much awesome.)

Porn & Technology by Jeff Bethke: This 10 minute video is SO GOOD. He talks about vulnerability, intimacy, porn, technology, the worth of a woman, and so much more. Please do yourself a favor and watch this.

Baseball: Our season has started! I have already been to Dodgers Stadium for my first game of the year (I am not a Dodgers fan, but how can you say no to a free ticket, good company, and Dodger Dogs? YOU CAN’T). I am already scouring Groupon for some deals on tickets for the summer!

Biblical Singleness by Matt Furby: My old boss/current pastor/basically older brother just spoke on Biblical Singleness at our church and it was literally the best message I have ever heard on singleness. If you are single, or even married, you need to watch this. I sat in his office this past week, pouring my heart out about the struggle and the emotional aspect of singleness, and I am so glad that I did. He even quoted me! “My hope is FOR marriage, not IN marriage.” Yep, Kristi Howell original right there!  

Two Years to Forever: This month marked the end of my two year small group with my junior high girls. I blogged about it here and frankly, I am still processing that they are now in high school. How did that even happen? I am going to be a total wreck when I become a mom and have my own childrens’ transitions to cope with.

My Selfie Stick: First off, the fact that these are called Selfie Stick’s? Lame. They should be called Groupie Sticks, because you only use them with a group. I realized that Summer Camp was in about 50 days, so I celebrated by purchasing a Selfie Stick. Feel free to judge me, but also know that I will get THE BEST camp photos, beach photos, etc. with this thing. I feel like every youth leader should have one of these things, it’s like an unwritten rule.

Iced Coffee: My go to this month has been iced coffee. It is a real addiction and I am okay with it. Is that bad? Probably.  

What are some things that you enjoyed this past month?

What are you looking forward to in the coming summer months?

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I have started something BIG. I can’t really tell you what it is, but just know that it is big and good and life giving, a deep-rooted, God-sized dream that has been in my heart for a long time.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about what we have been reading lately. I have picked up “Let’s All Be Brave” by Annie Downs (#kindreds) and it is SO GOOD. Like, Jimmy Fallon so good. It has brought me to tears from laughing and also from the ugly cry. If you don’t have this, pick it up now! I also snagged Melanie Shankle’s newest book “Nobody’s Cuter Than You” and can’t wait to start it! What are you reading this month?

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about how I finally signed up for Netflix (welcome to the 21^st century, Kristi, I know) and how I found my new guilty pleasure: “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”. It is hilarious and mildly inappropriate and just perfect. Also, I am binge watching “Friday Night Lights” and “Gilmore Girls”. Send help. Or popcorn and Junior Mints.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about singleness because that has been the thing I have been wrestling through lately. Not in a struggling way, but in a way that is good and healthy and full of learning. And because of that, this past week has really been a doozy; I have experienced full-range of emotion and completely confess that I have been “that girl” to a lot of my friends. Gosh, I am so thankful that they like me in the midst of those moments!

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I have switched all my emojis to the African-American version because it is the best thing.

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you if you have any big summer plans and vacations. We would also talk about how crazy it is that summer is literally around the corner.

If we were on a coffee date, we would probably be at a Starbucks and if we are already talking about summer… Did you know they are releasing a S’mores Frappucino? I don’t drink the Frappucinos, but this one might get me…

If we were on a coffee date, what would you want to talk about?

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, my drink of choice would be iced coffee with a ton of cream, because lately I like coffee that barely tastes like coffee and still packs a punch of caffeine.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about how social media makes being an adolescent HARD. I thought that grade school was mean without Instagram and Burn Books (yes, this is a thing and its horrible) and Facebook… Holy Moses, social media is going to be the end of this generation.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about how Southern CA has announced that summer is here and you know what? I am actually embracing it. This is weird for me and I am kind of having an identity crisis.

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you if you think Tim Tebow and I would make a cute couple, and you would say yes, because we would. We would have the cutest babies in America.  Earlier this week, I was on Tim Tebow's website, trying to figure out what he is doing with his life, and accidentally read "for engagement requests, please email here" when it actually says "for SPEAKING engagement requests, please email here"... But, what about those engagement requests? #realtalk

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you about what you are reading and what I should be reading. You should be reading “Scary Close” by Donald Miller because it is SO GOOD. Miller discusses his fear of being known, his trust issues, and how important it is to build intimacy with the people in our lives.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about THIS Ted Talk and how 20’s are NOT the new 30’s and about the whole musical chairs thing.

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you about what happens to you when you are in danger… Are you a flight or fight person? Can you think clearly? Do you have flashbacks to similar events from childhood? Sometimes, the world is not a safe place, and I wonder how you manage that.

What about you?
How are you taking your coffee this week?
What are things you are dying to share with me?

a tungsten medal...

Competing in things is not my spiritual gift.

If you know me, you know that I am not very competitive. There is no desire in me to see who can run the fastest, jump the highest, yell the loudest. I played soccer in high school, which I totally loved, and even then, losing and winning were pretty much level. We were just having fun, making friends, and all the other cliché non-sports mantras. The only time I have been truly competitive was this past summer at Summer Camp, in which I legitimately scared my girls (I wanted the t-shirt that said champion on the front, in hindsight I am slightly embarrassed, but it was all for the kids… right?).

But this week, I had a moment.

A MOMENT.

It’s funny how even the woman with no competitive bone in her body can perk right up for the fight when she feels threatened, when she suddenly realizes that there is a race, a competition, and she might not be in first place like she thought.

This week, I realized that someone was still in the race. I thought that I was the only one, that I had no one to compete against. And then it all changed…

"THEY’RE STILL RUNNING? I STILL HAVE TO COMPETE? 

I THOUGHT I WAS ALREADY WINNING!? WELL, GAME ON."

Jealousy can turn even the sweetest woman into a warrior. I realized that I was no longer the owner of a gold medal, I might have a silver medal, or a bronze medal, or even one made of freaking tungsten. And I sat there in this moment, fuming and frustrated, seconds from completely bawling my eyes out; I wanted to fight back, to sit there and tell God why it isn’t fair, why I am more deserving, why this would be a perfect thing for me… I wanted to sit there and justify why I should be first, why I am the greatest choice. And I wondered, WHAT COLOR IS MY MEDAL? Then the Lord pretty much gave me one of those Holy Spirit slaps and brought me back to reality...

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"Jealousy can turn even the sweetest woman into a warrior..."

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I was immediately reminded of the disciples and how they argued over who would be the greatest in the Kingdom. The story is told in multiple Gospels, and the disciples just did not get it! Amongst the intensity of the previous weeks and the events that were ahead, they were most concerned about who would be labeled awesome, about who would be number one (can we just imagine Peter or John holding a big foam finger with “#1” on it? HILARIOUS). They didn’t get it, and I can’t blame them, because I am right there with them.

Friends, when it comes to sports, take the medal, take the trophy, take the t-shirt; but in life, I WANT THE MEDAL, I WANT THE TROPHY, I WANT THE T-SHIRT. I want to finally win, to get the job, to get the man, to be victorious. People, this is a constant battle and I need to preach truth to myself DAILY, because if I don't, I give other people the proverbial elbow to the side, which is not very Proverbs 31-esque. 

We are not competing for jobs and relationships if we realize that we are all running an individual race that matters; each race is different. The Lord has a beginning, middle, and end for each of us, full and bursting with details and blessings and tragedies. When I look to the right or to the left, at the other runners, my mind deceives me into thinking I am in a race, that I need to beat these other people, that life is about impressing others, getting their attentions, and winning. Our sin interprets the race of life as a competition, not a corporate sanctification. Life is not about looking to the right or the left; it is about looking forward, at Christ, because in Him the race is already won.

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"Our sin interprets the race of life as a competition, not a corporate sanctification..."

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We must cheer each other on, not compete against each other. This is not a new, wild, revolutionary idea, but it is a hard one to grasp. If this person gets what I want, well, the most appropriate response is to praise God, because they are lovely and sweet and godly and an example; crazy how we forget that these women, or men, are in fact awesome people. Jealousy does that; it twists an amazing example of a person into someone who is out to ruin God’s plan for you.

People, there is no competition in the Kingdom. Let’s stop comparing and competing and looking to the right and left. Let’s look forward to the beginnings, middles, ends and all the details in between of our own races. He doesn’t have just simply a plan for your race, but a beautiful one; trust Him with the color of your medal.