on counseling, leaves, + roots...

"Counseling is like a leaf," he said.

"How does a leaf fall?"

I sat there, thinking about the leaf. A leaf falls quietly, follows the wind, loops around a bit, then eventually lands. It floats, with vague direction, until it reaches the ground.

"Exactly. And that's kind of what the goal of counseling is; you meet with someone a few times, they ask you questions, you loop around and mention a few things here and there, then you finally land. And Kristi... you just landed."

I am a huge advocate for counseling, for anyone and everyone. You don't need to have experienced trauma to necessitate counseling, you just need to have experienced life, and friends, we are all experiencing life. If you are breathing, you should be in counseling.

Unfortunately, I have experienced many a trauma in my life; I have been surrounded by much and it has influenced how I view God, people, myself. Alcoholism, broken relationships, abuse, addiction, generational sin... It's all apart of my story. My trauma is not my fault, but it is now my responsibility. These burdens that have been placed on me are now an opportunity to seek God. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"The trauma in your life is NOT your fault, but it is now your responsibility..."

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So I sit, every two weeks, with a man who pastors me, shepherds me, guides me, and leads me inward, outward, and upward. We talk about childhood, unhealthy tendencies, strengths, weaknesses, relationships, Jesus, healing, hurts, friendships, boundaries, fears. This man, these mornings spent with him, have come at a time when I so desperately have needed healing. I honestly don't even think I was aware of how bruised my heart had become over the past year. 

We are working on re-wiring, re-framing, re-imagining. Every two weeks, we talk through the topics that make me cringe, some of which I have no answer for, and maybe that's the whole point. I don't have all the answers, and that's totally okay. 

So as the leaves fall with the changing weather, so do the leaves of my heart. 

Slowly but surely, the leaves are falling, the tree will be bare, and the roots will be exposed. 

on sunfish and scary places...

Confession: deep water scares me.

I specifically remember jumping off the side of a boat out at Folsom Lake when I was in high school and swimming frantically back to the boat for fear of what was in the water with me. And I didn't jump back in again. I stayed on the boat, where I thought I was safe and known. Fear does that, it scares us out of the good things. 

This week a large species of sunfish was found off the coast of Portugal. And listen, before you think I am some fish connoisseur, let me assure you I'm not, I just like to keep up with current events, especially ones that are fun and completely unrelated to The White House. Divers discovered this massive sunfish; you can watch the video here. It's amazing to think about how there are fish we have never seen down in those deep waters; big fish and small fish, glow-in-the-dark fish and black fish, ugly fish and beautiful fish. Just because we can't see them, doesn't mean they aren't there. 

I can't help but think about how my heart kind of feels like that deep, dark water sometimes. There are places where I am willing to go and places where I am scared of diving in for fear of what might be there. Proverbs 20:5 says that "a purpose in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out..." This verse has been an anthem of prayer over the past few weeks. A man of understanding is willing to dive into the depths of his own heart, to seek wisdom and self-awareness, to see what might be living down in the deep. I want that for myself.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

                                                                "A man of understanding is willing to dive into the depths of his own heart..."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now more than ever, I'm experiencing the vastness of my own heart. The waters are deep and the waves are tumultuous, and at times, completely overwhelming. There are feelings and thoughts and prayers that are completely new territory, and I feel like a diver discovering new fish; some are scary, some are beautiful, some are ugly. But the deeper I dive and the darker it becomes, the more opportunity I have to reach those places with light and truth. There are deep places of hope, insecurity, desire, grief, and brokenness. That's a lot to discover, a lot of tension to live in.

Some days, I am tempted to stay in the shallow areas and I am sure you are too, where we can see clearly, where we don't have to do any hard work, where we can wade around in clear, crystal, seemingly perfect moments. Shallow water allows us to see with ease, but there is something beautiful about the depths; they can be scary and at times hurt like hell, but the beauty of discovering God in those places... it's worth it. We discover Jesus as the Sustainer, the Comforter, the Great Planner and Protector, as the Great Foundation, the Grace-Giver, and the Quick-to-Compassion God. We discover that we're extremely complex, full of feelings and experiences and tensions. We discover that God is God, we are human, and that's how it should be. We discover that it's okay to feel simultaneously, to grieve and to celebrate.

May we not be too scared to miss out on the scary-good things at the bottom of our hearts. I don't want fear to be the boss of me and scare me out of the the heart work, out of the good places, like it did that day on the lake. I want to dive deep and discover both the ugly and the beautiful, so that Jesus may have His way within me.

the wheels on the bus...

"Are you awake?"

I am not the best at asking for help. I would almost rather spend an extra hour doing something in my own power rather than asking for help from others. Call it independence, call it fortitude, call it something frilly and pretty and noble, but I know what to call it... pride.

This week my car has been in the shop for repairs, and will continue to be there for probably another three. Inconvenient, but not the worst thing in the world. So for a week I have been taking the bus to and from work and asking all my friends for rides to events, to church, to the grocery store. It's definitely humbling to be so dependent on others. 

Yesterday was just like any other day. I stood at the bus stop. I waited for the bus. I chatted with another woman at the stop and then we got on. I sat and prepared for the seven minute ride. Then, we switched to the left lane. NOT NORMAL. Then, we switched over to the left turn lane. SO NOT NORMAL. My bus ride is literally a straight three miles on the same familiar street. I started to panic. I pressed the little button for a stop request. We turned on to the next street. The bus stopped and I walked off, completely bewildered. HOW COULD I HAVE GOTTEN ON THE WRONG BUS? I walked to the stoplight and immediately called a friend. She happened to join a 6am yoga class this week, so I knew she would be awake. I walked across the street to the local Starbucks, texting frantically. She was quick to respond and even quicker to drive over. 
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"...sharing life with people means humility..."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

She pulled in to the Starbucks, I jumped in her car, covered my face, and laughed. Friends, sharing life with people means humility. It means calling them at 7:30am asking them to pick you up at a local Starbucks because somehow you took the wrong bus and have no idea how to get to work on time. And can I just tell you what my friend said when I told her that I owe her a cup of coffee?

"You don't owe me, this is what friends are for."

My prideful, stupid heart needed to be reminded that this is why we are never meant to do life alone. We need people, we need Jesus, we need to be dependent on others (ultimately Jesus) outside of ourselves. 

Humility. Community. Grace. May we all continue to learn the gift of each.

on guards and walls...

Hi, my name is Kristi, and I am a Feeler.

It's hard living life as a Feeler. Being a Feeler means I filter life through my heart, not my head. Being a Feeler means I bear my burdens and the burdens of others in a very serious way. Being a Feeler means I am quick to trust and quick to love; it means discernment and gut instinct over fact and formula. I tend to love people and things when love doesn't make logical sense. My heart carries a lot within it, and by a lot I mean A FREAKING LOT. I like this about myself, I truly do, but sometimes, having a big heart means you need to install big boundaries. Because when you wear your heart on your sleeve, when you love everyone and everything with all you have, you are exposed to a serious amount of pain, rejection, and false hope.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"...sometimes, having a big heart means you need to install big boundaries..."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Recently, I can feel myself beginning to install walls around my heart; big, hefty, Home Depot-type walls. The walls are being laid brick by brick, sort of haphazardly and unintentionally. There is no rhyme or reason, there is just construction. Where once there was liberty to hope, there is the beginnings of a hedge. 

The Bible speaks of the heart as both a wellspring and as wicked. In Proverbs 4:23 we are warned to guard our hearts and in Jeremiah 17:9 we are told that we aren't to trust it. A wellspring bent towards wickedness, that's our heart. Wellsprings and wickedness and walls... What do we do with all of that? (Seriously, asking for a friend myself.)

In an effort to try and understand my own heart and my own hopes, I am resting in a place that says guards are healthy and needed. Guards are healthy, walls are not. Guards are meant to keep something safe while walls are meant to close off. A guard allows my heart to be protected, a wall confines my heart to be hidden. In my plight to keep myself safe, sometimes I end up closing myself off completely, and that is not a tendency that I want to cultivate. 

We all want to be safe. We all want to be protected from pain, from embarrassment, from shame, from false hope. Friends, there is nothing worse than a false hope, of this I am absolutely sure. And this is why I want the walls... I want the walls because earthly love does fail. Earthly love disappoints and expects too much, it has too much potential for pain.  But, in the fear of false hope, we cannot lose all hope. While I was listening to the words of Ellie Holcombs "Love Never Fails", my prayer echos her words: "Oh Lord, help me to live like love never fails..."
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"...in the fear of false hope, we cannot lose all hope..."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I want to live like love never fails, because real love is unfailing. I want to live like love never fails, because love itself offers as a wall of protection. I want to live like love never fails, because I don't want to live like love fails. When we live like love never fails, we love without fear and without expectation and without walls. 

His hope is secure and His love is unfailing, I am praying my heart finds solace and comfort in that place, and that I allow His secure hope and unfailing love to act as guards, protecting me and softening me from the walls I continue to build.

on the standard of sweetness...

"So I have come down to deliver them from the power of the Egyptians, 
and to bring them up from that land to a good and spacious land, 
to a land flowing with milk and honey..." 

- Exodus 3:8

The Old Testament is NOT the place most Christians gravitate toward. We don't really think it's beautiful; it's hard to read, there are a lot of battles and laws and lineage and Jesus hasn't physically shown up yet. The Old Testament is not full of warm, fuzzy feelings. It is not going to give you a big, theological hug. 

In college, I had a professor who instilled within me a love for the Old Testament; for the history, the wrath, the goodness, the story. This is the greatest lesson and gift that I was given as a theology student. He allowed me to see that the Old Testament is absolutely needed and beautiful; because without the wrath, there is no need for love, and without the love, there would be no wrath. We miss that, us Christians, and we miss it hard. This summer I have journeyed through the pages of the Old Testament with a brilliant group of women. Their love for God and His Word completely encourage me. We just finished Genesis not too long ago. We wrestled with the text, asked questions, and began to hide the stories in our hearts. 

We are currently finishing Exodus, the culmination of slavery and freedom. All throughout Exodus, we see the brokenness of slavery and the beauty of the promise of freedom. These pages are meaty and hearty and full of symbolism and story. We do not just read about the chains, but feel the heaviness of the bondage, the deep anticipation and longing to be set free.

The thing that I have been clinging to is the sweetness of the Lord; Yahweh, this great and powerful and wrathful God also establishes Himself as the standard of sweetness. We see this as He provides the way to the land of flowing milk and honey, as He turns the bitter water to sweet water, as He writes the story of redemption in the midst of the wilderness. Honey, thick and gooey and sticky and sweet, a pure reflection of tangible grace.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"...this great and powerful and wrathful God 
also establishes Himself as the standard of sweetness…"

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The land of flowing milk and honey is referenced four times throughout Exodus. Yahweh reminds them that there hope is coming, that although now they experience the dry and weary land, they will experience a land in the future that is abundant in all good things. Manna is sent from Heaven and, we are told in Exodus 16:5, that it tastes much like the sweetness of honey. Another taste of what is ahead of us; our sweet God is faithful to remind us of what is coming, that we should measure our experiences from the standard of His provision.

And I don't know about you, but I really need to lean in to that space. I need to be washed by the sweetness, to let God drench me with the thick and gooey truth of His goodness. I want my heart to trade in its bitter places for the sweetness of His constant provision and faithfulness. He leads us from our bondage into His blessing, from slavery into sweetness. And you know, sometimes we can't feel it or taste it or see it, but it is coming. The brokenness and bitterness and bondage now will allow us to taste and see that the Lord is sweeter than we could have ever imaged. 

on broken things breaking...

Lately, God has been teaching me a lot about strength to endure the brokenness.

Strength, in all its forms, is coveted. We spend hundreds of dollars a year on weights and gym memberships in order to gain muscle and endurance, signs of physical strength. We spend time in the Word and in community to form a strong relationship with Jesus. We ask for strength daily as we encounter the broken, hard things of this world. Strength, in all its capacities, is valued.

But, if you are anything like me, sometimes our muscles aren’t as big as we think they are and our bodies are weary and spent; things seem too hard and too broken and too big. Spiritual warfare becomes all too real; we face opposition, we pray, and we plead for God to take the pain and brokenness away, asking Him to fix things, and if we are honest, asking God that we be the means of the fixing and not Him. But friends, we are not strong enough to mend the broken things, only God has that ability, and that is humbling. The Gospel is extravagantly on display through our weakness and I am sobered by the truth found in these words:

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is

made perfect in your weakness…”

If we rely on our own strength, we will end up feeling hopeless and helpless, and that is not the God that we serve. He is full of hope and help, even when things are broken and hard.

This year, social media and news sites have been overrun with devastating and depressing, broken news; we hear about ISIS, sex scandals, Boko Haram, Planned Parenthood, and relentless crime, both international and domestic. Then, there is the brokenness that plagues our own lives, the kind that is personal and not popular on Facebook or broadcasted for the world. There is death, sickness, addiction, infertility, singleness, and a million other struggles and sins that entangle our everyday lives.

Broken things break; our world is broken, and we should expect to encounter brokenness. But, God knows it was broken, and He chose to fix it, to redeem the fractured parts of humanity, through Jesus.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Broken things break; but our God is a firm foundation,

unwavering, unshaken, unbroken.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I rarely keep anything that is broken. Once something is past repair, I tend to write it off and toss it in the trash. But, this is not the case with our God. Instead of tossing us and our brokenness aside, He chose to repair and allow us to endure. Often, broken things become useless, but with sin, that is not the case; although we live in a broken world, it serves a purpose. We only have a short time hear on earth, and there will come a day when we no longer have the chance to glorify God in the midst of pain, suffering, and brokenness. Soon we will be with our sweet Savior, but until then, we endure the brokenness, knowing that our goal is to glorify God in the midst of that. Broken things break; but our God is a firm foundation, unwavering, unshaken, unbroken.

I want to remember that even when things break, when the cookies are burnt, when family seems to fall apart, when sickness strikes, when finances dwindle and my strength is limited, that God is in control and sovereign and strong enough to handle my weakness. He can mend the broken and fill me with strength and rejoice over me with song.

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that all I want to do is sleep in, make cinnamon rolls, and curl up with a good book for 293,876 days.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about Planned Parenthood and ISIS and Ashley Madison and all the brokenness in this world. It is interesting to see that these are no longer “Christian” issues, but basic human rights issues.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about how I can’t wait for El Nino this Fall/Winter. Cold weather doesn’t scare me… I own multiple Columbia jackets. Also, PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES. Too soon? #sorrynotsorry

If we were on a coffee date, I would share this quote with you:

“There are years that ask questions, and years that answer.”

– Zora Neale Hurston in Their Eyes Were Watching God

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you for prayer for me this week, because Jesus needs to really show up in certain areas.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I am really dwelling on the idea of brokenness. Our world is broken, which means things will inevitably break; hearts, trust, families, marriages, dishwashers, and plastic toys. Things break. But it is not letting that brokenness define that area of life. Do not let a broken trust ruin your for trust; do not let a broken heart ruin you for love; do not let a broken family ruin you for the hope of a loving, Christ-centered family.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I am still praying “Jesus, just please.”

                      If we were on a coffee date, what would you like to talk about?