on counseling, leaves, + roots...

"Counseling is like a leaf," he said.

"How does a leaf fall?"

I sat there, thinking about the leaf. A leaf falls quietly, follows the wind, loops around a bit, then eventually lands. It floats, with vague direction, until it reaches the ground.

"Exactly. And that's kind of what the goal of counseling is; you meet with someone a few times, they ask you questions, you loop around and mention a few things here and there, then you finally land. And Kristi... you just landed."

I am a huge advocate for counseling, for anyone and everyone. You don't need to have experienced trauma to necessitate counseling, you just need to have experienced life, and friends, we are all experiencing life. If you are breathing, you should be in counseling.

Unfortunately, I have experienced many a trauma in my life; I have been surrounded by much and it has influenced how I view God, people, myself. Alcoholism, broken relationships, abuse, addiction, generational sin... It's all apart of my story. My trauma is not my fault, but it is now my responsibility. These burdens that have been placed on me are now an opportunity to seek God. 

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"The trauma in your life is NOT your fault, but it is now your responsibility..."

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So I sit, every two weeks, with a man who pastors me, shepherds me, guides me, and leads me inward, outward, and upward. We talk about childhood, unhealthy tendencies, strengths, weaknesses, relationships, Jesus, healing, hurts, friendships, boundaries, fears. This man, these mornings spent with him, have come at a time when I so desperately have needed healing. I honestly don't even think I was aware of how bruised my heart had become over the past year. 

We are working on re-wiring, re-framing, re-imagining. Every two weeks, we talk through the topics that make me cringe, some of which I have no answer for, and maybe that's the whole point. I don't have all the answers, and that's totally okay. 

So as the leaves fall with the changing weather, so do the leaves of my heart. 

Slowly but surely, the leaves are falling, the tree will be bare, and the roots will be exposed. 

on the contentious woman...

"...a constant dripping on a day of steady rain and 
a contentious woman are alike..." 

- Proverbs 27:15

During the past week, I've been reading a Proverb a day (because wisdom please!); I've noticed the idea of The Contentious Woman. She is mentioned roughly five times in Proverbs (Proverbs 21:9;19; Proverbs 26:21; Proverbs 27:15) depending upon translation. The Contentious Woman given to argument or strife; she is quarrelsome, characterized by controversy and provoking. There is an absence of peace and faith; truly, she is the opposite of the woman characterized in Proverbs 31 who has no fear for the future, who laughs, who builds up, who brings life to those around her. I feel like the Lord has been really opening my eyes to this contrast of character; He brings to mind recent conversations where I've asked unnecessary questions, tried to provoke thought, to control, change and gain clarity... places where I've been seeking answers from man, not from God.

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"...contention roams in my heart when there is fear and insecurity, 

a lack of peace and trust in God to be who He says He will be..."

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So, what makes a woman contentious? What makes a woman argue and provoke and be a "constant dripping", or in other versions, a "leaky faucet"? I don't know about every woman, but I know that contention roams in my heart when there is fear and insecurity, a lack of peace and trust in God to be who He says He will be. I don't think that I am a consciously contentious woman, but I definitely see myself becoming one. I have contentious tendencies. When I am operating out of fear for the future, out of the insecurity that the Enemy plants in my heart, then I am prone to quarrel and strife, to provocation and urgency. The only Person who is built to carry our contentious spirits is the Lord; we can come before His throne with any sadness, any question, any heartache, any grievance and upset. For me, becoming contentious is not something I strive for, it is something that I become when I am not rooting myself in truth, grace, and love.  
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"...if I am filling myself with the truth of the Living Water, 
there is no need to become a "leaky faucet"..."

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I do NOT want to be characterized and motivated by fear and insecurity, but rather out of peace and security. A woman who is at rest in her identity in Christ is not contentious, THAT is the kind of woman I desperately desire to be. If I am filling myself with the truth of the Living Water, there is no need to become a "leaky faucet", to be seeking affirmation and answers from places that simply just cannot provide such things. There is beauty in His control; when He is in control, that means that I don't have to be! And where there is that kind of freedom, contention has no place. 

Am I a woman who is prone to peace or prone to provocation? 

Am I constantly seeking affirmation, constantly asking questions, 

or resting in the security and knowledge of Christ?

(PS: I think this applies to men as well, just saying.)

on snakes and good gifts...

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven given what is good to those who ask Him!"

- Matthew 7: 7-11

When I think of gifts, I do NOT think of stones and snakes. I think of Christmas and birthdays and hand written notes and surprise coffees on my desk (which are always and forever welcomed). It comforts me to know that even in our sinful humanity, we know how to practice the art of gift-giving; we know what would bless our friends and family. I am comforted in the idea that as much as my earthly community seeks to give, the Father desires to give abundantly MORE. 

Matthew 7 is quickly becoming one of my favorite portions of Scripture. It is a portion that reminds us to trust in His character and not in our circumstances. When we come to our Father as children, asking for the desires of our hearts, the deep and heavy things, God does not desire to trick us. He is not scheming and plotting against us, figuring out clever ways to confuse us or hurt us. He does not ignore or forsake or forget, He does not withhold any good thing, He does not give us stones or snakes. He will hear His children and give to them according to His kindness and His will, and when He doesn't give us our specific desires, He gives us Himself, the greatest gift of all. He does not give us stones, because He is the one who rolled the stone away. He does not give us snakes, because He trampled The Snake with His heel. His desire has always been to gift Himself to us, through joy and trial. 
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"He does not give us stones, because He is the one who rolled the stone away. 
He does not give us snakes, because He trampled The Snake with His heel..."

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We all have times where we pray for a good thing and think we have received a snake. Trust me, I have SO been in that place! We think that He is withholding from us, when in reality, He is blessing us with the gift of His sovereignty and protection. When I look at the past, how God has been so faithful to give, protect, and save, why would I ever think He would toss me a stone or a snake? Our God is good and He extends goodness to us always. We have to remember who He is when those snake-like lies slither into our hearts. Every good and perfect gift is from above, and the most good and only perfect gift, Jesus Christ, was sent to us out of the kindness and compassion of the Father. What more could we ever truly ask for? May we trust God as the Almighty Stone Roller and not a stone giver. 

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from 
the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow..."

- James 1:17

Where are you tempted to see snakes and stones in your life?

What are the good gifts you are trusting God for today?

on what I want the younger (and older) girls to know...

I want you to know that you are both beautiful. You and the girl you are comparing yourself to; you are both worthy and lovely and absolutely amazing in very specifically different ways. 

I want you to know that it is okay to think boys are cute and fun, because they are cute and fun, but they aren't meant to consume your whole life. You are a whole person, whether you are in or out of a relationship. 

I want you to know that the list of things you want in a future husband changes, and praise the Lord for that because the most important things are not that he loves dogs, plays football, has brown hair, and listens to country music. 

I want you to know that a Jesus centered life is better than a Pinterest worthy life.

I want you to know the power of Jesus, the true power of who He is and what He does with our lives. He died for your sins and three days later rose from the grave, conquering death and claiming victory for humanity. He can redeem, restore, provide, prepare, lavish grace, love, and truth. He can take everything you have done and turn it into something beautiful, even the ugliest of things. 

I want you to know the power of dancing and singing and laughing.

I want you to know that God is big enough for your emotions. You are allowed to be mad, sad, excited, frustrated, confused, messy, and wild. 

I want you to know that you should eat the fries, buy the dress, say the nice thing, smile at the boy, read the book, go to the beach, buy yourself flowers, take a trip.

I want you to know that life is too short to be uncomfortable in your own skin.

I want you to know how important it is to find a mentor, for someone to show you how to live for Jesus in the middle of the mundane. Invite someone into your life to keep you accountable, to be a shoulder to cry on, a person to laugh with, a sister to encourage you in truth, and someone to come over on a Friday night with pizza and ice cream and a chick flick (preferably written by Nicholas Sparks, amen?).

I want you to know that the way you treat people matters. 

I want you to know that life is full of really good things. But there is a difference between good things and godly things, learn to discern the difference. 

I want you to know that we were never meant to "have it all" and "do it all".

I want you to know that there are worse things than gaining weight, a bad haircut, not having a boyfriend or a husband or kids, not having enough "likes" on Instagram, or not being invited to the party. It is far worse to be unkind, ungrateful, ungodly. 

I want you to know the value in having fun and not taking yourself too seriously. Give yourself some grace. 

I want you to know that life is hard, but God is good. Seriously. He is the treasure.

I want you to know that the church is powerful and is the most beautiful source of encouragement and community.

I want you to know that you are loved. SO FREAKING LOVED. Just because you aren't loved by the people you want or in the ways you want, doesn't mean you aren't. 

I want you to know that I am cheering for you, don't give up, you've got this.

on the lines of hope...

Ever since we were kids, we were taught to "color inside the lines".

This never bugged me. I loved lines. I still love lines. In a weird way, they give me freedom, they tell me where I can go, they tell me where I am safe. Throughout the past month, the theme of these lines has been popping up. Lines and lines and lines...

"The Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; you support my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places, indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me..." 

- Psalm 16: 5-6 (NASB)

"The lines of purpose in your lives never grow slack, tightly tied as

they are to your future in Heaven, kept taught by hope..." 

- Colossians 1:5 (MSG)

The lines have fallen in pleasant places because they are tied and taut by hope; they are beautiful and not reckless. God is not a reckless Sovereign, He knows what He is doing and He knows what we need. Sometimes, it's hard to see the lines as good; maybe the lines fell and you ended a relationship or friendship, or cancer snuck in, or you lost a job, or you are going through the treacherous "post-grad" period, or death happened. But even in our discomfort, we are safe. The lines are painful and confusing and grey, but we know the God who put them there and His intent is not to harm us or confuse us, it is to draw us closer to Him, to use the boundary lines to bind us to Him. The lines are placed as an act of love and grace; sin must be kept out, holiness must be kept in. We continue to hope in the God of our circumstances, not in our circumstances. 
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"...the lines are painful and confusing and grey, but we know the God 

who put them there and His intent is not to harm us or confuse us..."

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As I think about my life, where the lines have fallen, I am grateful that the Lord loves us enough to step in. He protects us from the good to reserve us for the godly. Friends, this is a truth that I have been needing to preach to myself daily. I want to be a woman who embraces the seasons and the lines that are provided for me, not resisting them or doubting them. I want a heart that rests within the boundaries, a heart that dwells in peace inside the lines, having no desire to jump outside of them. I want to color inside the spaces that the Lord has placed before me, filling them with vibrant color and beauty. I want to trust that His boundaries for me are greater than the boundaries I have for myself, that His ways are truly higher than mine.
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"...a heart that dwells in peace inside the lines 

has no desire to jump outside of them..."

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I don't know where you are today, what boundaries you're living in or trying to resist, but today, rest knowing that God is aware of your heart and needs, He is fighting for you, protecting you, pursuing you. Lean into the lines that He has placed for your life, because in that, you will find Him and He will meet you there, He will meet us there.

on the capacity for love (and donuts)...

It has taken me a long time to stand where I am standing, in this place where I am "okay" with Valentines Day. More so, I even kind of like it love it. I am not rolling my eyes at the many social media postings of dating/engaged/married friends, lamenting over the date-less night I have ahead of me, or even joining in on the "Singleness Awareness Day" bandwagon. No no, this year is a little bit different.

Valentines Day has always been a little somber for me, a reminder of the lack of love in my life. This year, by God's grace, I see it as a celebration of all the love I have received and been honored to give to friends and family. Call it wisdom, call it age, call it whatever you want, but God has slowly and tenderly been reminding me how much I am loved and how much I am able to love people. And the craziest thing? It has not been through a romantic relationship! I have never felt more loved than by my community, by the men and women in my life who love me in the smallest, most non-romantic ways. When I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved.
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"...when I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am 

given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved..."

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To celebrate love ONLY in the context of a romantic relationship is missing the whole point of what love truly is; love is an extension of Christ, the One who gave His life in replacement of ours, and to only reserve it for a romantic relationship? Well, that's cheating and cheapening the love of our Savior. To only reserve love for a romantic relationship, to essentially one person, is to cheat and cheapen the work of the Cross. We must allow God to expand and redefine our definition of love so that it includes our friends, our families, and our special someones. Love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love.
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"...love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love...."

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We have the capacity to love only because we have been loved by Christ; He shows us how and who to love (which, by the way, is unconditional and all inclusive). Whether I am single or married, divorced or widowed, I want to love people. I want to bring them donuts and pray with them and hold them while they cry; I want to love them the way that Christ loves them, which was extravagant and exhausting and self-sacrificing. Being single should not hinder me from loving, but rather give me the freedom to love and be loved by others.

Lord, enlarge our hearts past holidays and circumstances and statuses.
Lord, grant us the capacity to love unconditionally and inclusively.
Lord, enable us to love others without expecting anything in return.
Lord, help us to receive love when others give it to us.
Lord, remind us that love is not a feeling, but a choice.
Lord, expand our capacity to love and be loved by Your people.

So today, love your people, buy the donuts, and be encouraged, 
because Christ has given you the capacity. 

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, we would probably take a spontaneous trip to the snow, have a huge breakfast with pancakes and bacon and eggs and take coffee to go to keep our hands warm.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you about my new dress I bought from Forever 21 (thank you, Christmas gift cards!) and how I am basically living in it. It's comfy and cute and I am obsessed. I may just go back and buy every single color.

If we were on a coffee date, I'd tell you about how I am going to Texas in February and Portugal in May and I am beside myself that God lets me do the things I do.

If we were on a coffee date, there would be a very very high likelihood of me playing "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran and car-dancing the heck out of it.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I have discovered that a clean kitchen is part of my love language. Also, why are cleaning products SO expensive!?

If we were on a coffee date, I would challenge us to buy ourselves flowers this week because I think we need more flowers in our lives.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about what God has been teaching us lately. For me, that means trading in my fleshly fears for the fear of the Lord, asking God for wisdom, and maintaining a humble heart. 

If we were on a coffee date, what song would you want to car-dance to?

on being simple...

For some, 2016 was an absolutely terrible year while for others, it was the greatest year of their lives. For me, 2016 wasn't the best and it wasn't the worst, it was kind of a filler year. But even filler years are used by God, in His goodness and sovereignty. I was involved in two car accidents, encountered the most sickness I have ever had in one year, went on my first date, travelled to Ecuador to visit one of my best friends, was the Maid of Honor for another one of my best friends, went through a small heartache and the loss of wants, and turned 27. It was definitely a weird year, but weird years are not wasted years, something I need to remember always. I praise God or the weird years, because He is faithful still to show up and lead us and love us through them. 

This past year I focused on the idea of cultivating, growing in my knowledge and experience of Christ. Looking back, this year was truly tilled and sifted by the Lord. In the beginning of the year, He wooed me with grape juice and crackers and gave me people to champion. The Lord taught me about His timing and and the contentment found in waiting; He taught me hope and grace. My heart learned the importance of prayer (REAL prayer) and about security and fear and redemption. In the Spring, I learned about patience and perseverance, about guards and walls. In the Fall, He taught me the true meaning of the Sabbath and that He is the standard of sweetness in life. I learned about the importance of community and made a Christmas card.

Looking forward, I am excited and expectant for what the Lord has laid on my heart. This year, Psalm 23 will be my anthem. For years I've been numb to this passage, but this year it will fall fresh and be manna to my weary heart; 2017 will be the year of simplicity, of bare bones (but not dry bones). It will be a year marked by softness and intentionality and quiet. And friends, simple does not mean easy. The more I dwell on this word, the more I realize how hard it will be. Simple means action. It means actively cutting out the extravagant and the unnecessary. Simple means being intentional. And, simple is not synonymous with boring (the hardest thing for my heart to understand). Life can be simple and quiet and FUN still. 
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Simple: not ornate or luxurious; modest; not complicated 

or complex; mere; bare; quiet.

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I want this year to be the year that I live with less. I want to live under my means. I want to eliminate debt from my life. I don't have much, but I still have it, and I am tired of budgeting around it. In order to kick this debt to the curb, it means I have to be very intentional with my "yes" and my "no". It means that I will be saying no to unnecessary Starbucks lattes, to the Target dollar section, to the cute dress that I "need", and to taking the long way home from church. And it's not just about money, it's about saying no to good things to make way for the great things. The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want... If 2017 is about living simply, then maybe 2018 can be about living generously. Not just in finances, but in time, in resources, in prayer, in love. 

My prayer is that God would give me a love and a contentment that I have never known before; I want to live simply, with Jesus and with people. I want to see the beauty in the small and the quiet, to live in the moments that God graces me with. Simple, quiet, stable.

Cheers to 2017, friends!
What are you focusing on this year?

on my Christmas card, my Ebenezer...

As I grow older, nothing brings me more joy in the Christmas season than to receive Christmas cards from friends and people whom I consider family. I love reading through the updates, seeing all of the matching outfits, and oo-ing and ah-ing over pretty designs and words. Also, I feel the need to tell you that one of the couples from my church (and very dear friends) has a photo of President Obama holding their sweet baby girl on their Christmas card which means they definitely won Christmas.

Over the past few years, I have wanted to make a Christmas card. But here is the deal... I am single. Is a single woman allowed to make a Christmas card? Is that awkward? What would I even put on it? A photo of just myself? Of me and a dog? (I don't even have a dog!) Christmas cards are for married people, for big families who have lived big years, at least, that's what I have always thought. To me, I felt like if I made a Christmas card, it would highlight the lack I feel in my life... no husband, no children, no family. Just me in a field of Christmas trees. Festive, but lonely. 

This year, I made a Christmas card. It's festive and full of life; they are full of my favorite memories and my favorite people. As I hand them out to my community, their excitement and joy overwhelms me. This card may just be a card to my friends, one that will be set on a mantle or hung on a garland, but to me it serves as an ebenezer, a mark of God's goodness in my life. I look to this card and see fullness rather than lack; my life is FULL of people and friends and adventures and ministry and it's beautiful.

In 1 Samuel 7, we see that Samuel commemorates his victory over the Philistines by raising a stone, an ebenezer. This Hebrew "stone of help" would remind him of God's faithfulness, that He has been his strength, his portion, his literal rock. 
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"Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the Lord has helped us..."" - 1 Samuel 7:12

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This Christmas card allows me to see Him and say the same as Samuel, thus far the Lord has helped me. Where I perceive a lack in my life, Jesus has filled it. After all, that is what Christmas is all about, right? Our fulfillment, our Savior, has arrived. 

Thus far the Lord has helped me, what a beautiful truth to remember. 

the wheels on the bus...

"Are you awake?"

I am not the best at asking for help. I would almost rather spend an extra hour doing something in my own power rather than asking for help from others. Call it independence, call it fortitude, call it something frilly and pretty and noble, but I know what to call it... pride.

This week my car has been in the shop for repairs, and will continue to be there for probably another three. Inconvenient, but not the worst thing in the world. So for a week I have been taking the bus to and from work and asking all my friends for rides to events, to church, to the grocery store. It's definitely humbling to be so dependent on others. 

Yesterday was just like any other day. I stood at the bus stop. I waited for the bus. I chatted with another woman at the stop and then we got on. I sat and prepared for the seven minute ride. Then, we switched to the left lane. NOT NORMAL. Then, we switched over to the left turn lane. SO NOT NORMAL. My bus ride is literally a straight three miles on the same familiar street. I started to panic. I pressed the little button for a stop request. We turned on to the next street. The bus stopped and I walked off, completely bewildered. HOW COULD I HAVE GOTTEN ON THE WRONG BUS? I walked to the stoplight and immediately called a friend. She happened to join a 6am yoga class this week, so I knew she would be awake. I walked across the street to the local Starbucks, texting frantically. She was quick to respond and even quicker to drive over. 
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"...sharing life with people means humility..."

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She pulled in to the Starbucks, I jumped in her car, covered my face, and laughed. Friends, sharing life with people means humility. It means calling them at 7:30am asking them to pick you up at a local Starbucks because somehow you took the wrong bus and have no idea how to get to work on time. And can I just tell you what my friend said when I told her that I owe her a cup of coffee?

"You don't owe me, this is what friends are for."

My prideful, stupid heart needed to be reminded that this is why we are never meant to do life alone. We need people, we need Jesus, we need to be dependent on others (ultimately Jesus) outside of ourselves. 

Humility. Community. Grace. May we all continue to learn the gift of each.

a list of thanks...

I am thankful for the many cups of warm, sweet coffee shared amongst friends.

I am thankful for the copious amounts of sunflowers that have graced my life this year.

I am thankful for pie, for cherry and caramel banana and apple and pumpkin.

I am thankful for the provision and faithfulness of the Father through the many small and big trials of this year.

I am thankful for my church family, for their love and protection and acceptance.

I am thankful for the ministry that I am allowed to take part in every single day.

I am thankful for the healing balm that worship music has been in my life this year.

I am thankful for where my passport has taken me this year.

I am thankful for the ability to walk and run and see and hear.

I am thankful for the beauty of laughter.

I am thankful for handwritten cards and words.

I am thankful for dancing, the kind that without your shoes on.

I am thankful for the yeses and the no's of this year.

I am thankful for Jesus.

I am thankful for another year.
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"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and in everything GIVE THANKS, 

for this is God's will for you…" - 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18

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Happy Thanksgiving, friends!
What are you thankful for?

on guards and walls...

Hi, my name is Kristi, and I am a Feeler.

It's hard living life as a Feeler. Being a Feeler means I filter life through my heart, not my head. Being a Feeler means I bear my burdens and the burdens of others in a very serious way. Being a Feeler means I am quick to trust and quick to love; it means discernment and gut instinct over fact and formula. I tend to love people and things when love doesn't make logical sense. My heart carries a lot within it, and by a lot I mean A FREAKING LOT. I like this about myself, I truly do, but sometimes, having a big heart means you need to install big boundaries. Because when you wear your heart on your sleeve, when you love everyone and everything with all you have, you are exposed to a serious amount of pain, rejection, and false hope.
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"...sometimes, having a big heart means you need to install big boundaries..."

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Recently, I can feel myself beginning to install walls around my heart; big, hefty, Home Depot-type walls. The walls are being laid brick by brick, sort of haphazardly and unintentionally. There is no rhyme or reason, there is just construction. Where once there was liberty to hope, there is the beginnings of a hedge. 

The Bible speaks of the heart as both a wellspring and as wicked. In Proverbs 4:23 we are warned to guard our hearts and in Jeremiah 17:9 we are told that we aren't to trust it. A wellspring bent towards wickedness, that's our heart. Wellsprings and wickedness and walls... What do we do with all of that? (Seriously, asking for a friend myself.)

In an effort to try and understand my own heart and my own hopes, I am resting in a place that says guards are healthy and needed. Guards are healthy, walls are not. Guards are meant to keep something safe while walls are meant to close off. A guard allows my heart to be protected, a wall confines my heart to be hidden. In my plight to keep myself safe, sometimes I end up closing myself off completely, and that is not a tendency that I want to cultivate. 

We all want to be safe. We all want to be protected from pain, from embarrassment, from shame, from false hope. Friends, there is nothing worse than a false hope, of this I am absolutely sure. And this is why I want the walls... I want the walls because earthly love does fail. Earthly love disappoints and expects too much, it has too much potential for pain.  But, in the fear of false hope, we cannot lose all hope. While I was listening to the words of Ellie Holcombs "Love Never Fails", my prayer echos her words: "Oh Lord, help me to live like love never fails..."
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"...in the fear of false hope, we cannot lose all hope..."

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I want to live like love never fails, because real love is unfailing. I want to live like love never fails, because love itself offers as a wall of protection. I want to live like love never fails, because I don't want to live like love fails. When we live like love never fails, we love without fear and without expectation and without walls. 

His hope is secure and His love is unfailing, I am praying my heart finds solace and comfort in that place, and that I allow His secure hope and unfailing love to act as guards, protecting me and softening me from the walls I continue to build.

on the standard of sweetness...

"So I have come down to deliver them from the power of the Egyptians, 
and to bring them up from that land to a good and spacious land, 
to a land flowing with milk and honey..." 

- Exodus 3:8

The Old Testament is NOT the place most Christians gravitate toward. We don't really think it's beautiful; it's hard to read, there are a lot of battles and laws and lineage and Jesus hasn't physically shown up yet. The Old Testament is not full of warm, fuzzy feelings. It is not going to give you a big, theological hug. 

In college, I had a professor who instilled within me a love for the Old Testament; for the history, the wrath, the goodness, the story. This is the greatest lesson and gift that I was given as a theology student. He allowed me to see that the Old Testament is absolutely needed and beautiful; because without the wrath, there is no need for love, and without the love, there would be no wrath. We miss that, us Christians, and we miss it hard. This summer I have journeyed through the pages of the Old Testament with a brilliant group of women. Their love for God and His Word completely encourage me. We just finished Genesis not too long ago. We wrestled with the text, asked questions, and began to hide the stories in our hearts. 

We are currently finishing Exodus, the culmination of slavery and freedom. All throughout Exodus, we see the brokenness of slavery and the beauty of the promise of freedom. These pages are meaty and hearty and full of symbolism and story. We do not just read about the chains, but feel the heaviness of the bondage, the deep anticipation and longing to be set free.

The thing that I have been clinging to is the sweetness of the Lord; Yahweh, this great and powerful and wrathful God also establishes Himself as the standard of sweetness. We see this as He provides the way to the land of flowing milk and honey, as He turns the bitter water to sweet water, as He writes the story of redemption in the midst of the wilderness. Honey, thick and gooey and sticky and sweet, a pure reflection of tangible grace.
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"...this great and powerful and wrathful God 
also establishes Himself as the standard of sweetness…"

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The land of flowing milk and honey is referenced four times throughout Exodus. Yahweh reminds them that there hope is coming, that although now they experience the dry and weary land, they will experience a land in the future that is abundant in all good things. Manna is sent from Heaven and, we are told in Exodus 16:5, that it tastes much like the sweetness of honey. Another taste of what is ahead of us; our sweet God is faithful to remind us of what is coming, that we should measure our experiences from the standard of His provision.

And I don't know about you, but I really need to lean in to that space. I need to be washed by the sweetness, to let God drench me with the thick and gooey truth of His goodness. I want my heart to trade in its bitter places for the sweetness of His constant provision and faithfulness. He leads us from our bondage into His blessing, from slavery into sweetness. And you know, sometimes we can't feel it or taste it or see it, but it is coming. The brokenness and bitterness and bondage now will allow us to taste and see that the Lord is sweeter than we could have ever imaged. 

on wounds and redemption...

Somewhere down the line, you have been wounded. You have a terrible father or had a terrible relationship; you experienced death of a loved one or of a dream. Your heart took a pretty big beating, with one too many punches, and it ended up in a really scary, broken, bruised place. 

We all have it, the wound. I know what mine is as I write this, you know what yours is as you read these words. Wounds always leave scars. My body is host to many, both physically and emotionally, and I am sure They say that the ugliest scars have the best stories, which can be true, but sometimes the ugliest scars have the simplest stories. Simple, common experiences that are very heavy and painful, because simple does not always means easy. Simplicity can still have a profound impact. 

"I didn't get the job..." Simple, but great.
"She cheated on me..." Simple, but great.
"My parents divorced..." Simple, but great.
"My best friend passed away..." Simple, but great.
"He told me he never really loved me..." Simple, but great.

These experiences lead us to a re-wiring. It leads us to believe lies as a coping mechanism. Suddenly, everything was different... The things you believed about yourself, about people, and maybe even about God completely changed. The wounds begin to whisper into your life, subtly gaining traction, becoming louder and louder. Now, your filter is a little bit skewed and you can't really discern the difference between a lie and a truth. We get confused about who we are and what makes us; we begin to live out of self-given titles and insecurities. We begin to believe that we are not worthy, we are not impressive, we are not strong, we are not beautiful, we are not accepted, we are not wanted. I understand this grey area. Too often, I live out of this place. And our culture does not help us out with this, which is why we MUST lean into the grace of God and the identity given to us as His children. 

Scars are not pretty. They expose the wound that once was, that thing that led to excruciating pain, bleeding, possible stitches, maybe even an actual surgery. They remind us of the fear, the turmoil, the pain. Scars will always be there, but we can choose to see them as evidence of brokenness or evidence of healing. 
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Scars will always be there, but we can choose to 

see them as evidence of brokenness or evidence of healing. 

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And what about healing? Healing takes time, yes, and a huge dose of the Holy Spirit. Healing looks different for everyone. Your healing might look like a night out with your crew, complete with some seriously great pizza, car-dancing, and a Redbox. Your healing might look like sitting in a counselors office every Monday at 5:30PM for two years. Your healing might look like a creating a blog or reading a book or having a coffee date with a mentor. Healing takes time, and only you know how much you will need. Don't rush it, but do be open to it.

Do not let your wounds define you. Do not believe the lies that the wounds will tell you. Do not be afraid to invite people into those wounds. YES THIS IS SCARY. I understand that this is uncomfortable and opens a door for potentially even more damage BUT, this also opens the door for redemption. 

I am thankful for people in my community who have redeemed my wounds, who have replaced my broken images with ones full of love, grace, and truth. I can only pray that I am that for others; that I can be a safe, redemptive place. Maybe I will be the one to redeem someones view of friendship, of a Christian, or of a woman in general. 

We are all wounded, we are all limping away from the process, seeking healing and redemption for the broken, beat up things. May we see our wounds be a part of the story, but not the story. 

So buckle down, choose to believe truth, and dive into the thing that scares you and requires a little bit of risk, because that is the evidence of healing. 

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, it would probably look more like big cups of vanilla almond milk and a plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about influence and impact. This weekend, I was reminded of the weight of shepherding the hearts of and showing my high school girls Jesus. It's a good weight, but a weight nonetheless. Who are you shepherding? Who are you showing Jesus to?

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you about the hard places that my heart has been in the past couple weeks. The prayers that are being prayed are new, and not just new for the situation, but new to my whole 26 year old life. It's a little scary, but God is in control and is in the business of being sovereign (unlike us).

If we were on a coffee date, I would gush about Paul E. Miller's "A Praying Life". This book has changed my theology of prayer in all the good ways. I would ask you about your prayer life... How do you pray? What are you praying for? What are you afraid to seek God about?

If we were on a coffee date, I would also gush about "Looking For Lovely" by Annie Downs. Y'all, I bought this book Saturday morning and I was finished by Sunday night. Her writing just gets me, and the best part? IT FEELS LIKE A COFFEE DATE. If you want to borrow it, just let me know, but you should probably buy your own copy because you will want to highlight all the things and write little notes in the margins. 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about "Fixer Upper: Season 2". That coffee shop couple? HOLY MOSES THEY ARE PRECIOUS. Joanna and Chip, can you a.) make me a house and b.) be my best friends? 

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you to read "When Nothing is New" by Greer Oharah. Everything she says here is so good and needed, especially in a culture that expects, creates, and yearns for constant movement and mountain-top experiences. "We find depth when we walk along the same path everyday." YES. SO GOOD.  

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about money and how I am really trying to be a responsible adult with my tax refund, loans, etc. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that Scrivener is hands down the most brilliant software to ever happen to my life. It is built for writers and is so dang simple. I actually got really emotional about it. Does that make me a nerdy girl now? 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about my relationship with my dad. We would talk about the new hope that I have, that maybe the path to redemption is near. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that my heart is longing for the summer. For those of you who know my inner most being, you know that summer is not my jam, so this is new for me. My heart is craving the beach, a good book, a big acai bowl/balboa bar, and bonfires. Really, I am just so excited for summer adventures. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you how you are doing, what you are reading, and are you just as obsessed with Joanna Gaines as much as I am? (Honestly, I may need an intervention.)

on llamas, friendship, and South America...

It has been almost a week and a half since I have been back in America, and I think that I am finally back into the swing of things! I finally got around to unpacking, doing two loads of laundry, packaging gifts, and writing this little (big) post!

This trip was my first international, non-mission trip vacation. I learned a lot about who "Kristi the International Traveler" is and about how I approach other countries on my terms. Nothing like a little international travelling to lead you to self-discovery! I went to Ecuador to visit my sweet, kindred friend Tiffany while she works for a study abroad program; she returns to America in May, so I had to make plans to visit fast! Last year, we took a road trip to Big Sur and the the California Coast, and this year I went to Quito, Ecuador... We are thinking March will be a yearly thing for our friendship. I can't wait to see what we do next year! My mind is already brainstorming through so many possibilities!

It was amazing to be able to visit her and see her life there in Quito; her community, how she loves others, her daily grind, and to experience a place that is so close to her heart and so deeply woven into God's story for her life. It's amazing that now, I can even call some of them my friends! Over ten days, we spent our time hiking through local parks, debating on whether I should get a tattoo, getting my hair cut, running around with wild llamas, getting a great tan, eating all the empanadas, drinking all the coffee, and talking about all the things.

I will always remember the empanadas de morocho from La Ronda, the dark chocolate pie and lattes from Lucia's, the not-so-Indian Indian food from a local restaurant, standing in the middle of the world, and the popcorn we ate for two hours while we waited out a thunder and lightning storm on my first day. 

My favorite adventures? The Basillica, The Parque Metropolitano, the Jardin Botanico, and Mitad De Mundo. The Parque Metropolitano is a beautiful park full of beautiful hiking trails, monuments, views of Quito, and WILD LLAMAS. Yes, you read that right. Also, did I break into the little fenced off area to hang out with said llamas? Yes, because when in Ecuador you do as the Ecuadorians do. On my last day, we drove three hours via bus and taxi to spend the day in Mitad De Mundo (The Middle of the World/ The Equator) and to a little jungle city called Mindo. We had lunch at a place called The Dragonfly Inn (just like "Gilmore Girls"!) on the river and ventured to a Mariposeria (Butterfly Garden) where we laid around in hammocks and watched the hummingbirds and butterflies fly around. It was one of the most beautiful, relaxing experiences. Another treat? The Jardin Botanico De Quito! A beautiful garden of greenhouses filled with succulents, hanging plants, tropical flowers, and cacti. We felt like we were walked through the most whimsical fairy neverland.

Here's to Quito and to many more adventures ahead!

PS: What have you been up to? Tell me about it!

on soccer moms & championing your people...

Confession: I can't wait to be a soccer mom. Or a football mom. Or a baseball mom. Or a ballet mom. Basically, my future children have no choice, they will be in sports. 

The foam fingers, pizza parties, uniforms, practices, the wins and the losses... Give me all of it, please and thank you. (Except injuries, I could do without those. Dear Jesus, please protect my future babes from such evil.) 

You guys, cheering is my jam. My spiritual gift is encouragement (which sometimes translates into very long text messages, handwritten notes, cups of coffee, large posters and cardboard face cutouts). My personality oozes championing and cheering, just ask my high school girls. And really, anyone else in my life. When I am a fan, I am a fan. Championing and cheering on others is something our culture desperately needs. We often let fear and sadness reside in places that are meant for expectancy and joy. We should be willing to climb into those places with a shovel, digging out the fear and planting hope for our people. 

What if we decided to do this daily? What if we decided to grab a shovel and a foam finger and cheer people on in the everyday moments? I think that we need to channel the spirit of the soccer mom off the field; we need to champion our people, in the big things and the small things. There is so much power in letting people know they are being thought of, prayed for, championed. Sometimes, that's the only thing that keeps people going. During a season in my life, the only thing that carried me through was the excitement and the hopeful expectancy that my community had for me. I was used to rejection and denial, I couldn't see past that cycle, past my experiences, past those lies. My people came beside me, they prayed for me, loved me, and championed me in ways that I needed. Because of their excitement and hope, I was able to have excitement and hope. They grabbed their shovels and foam fingers and said, "Girl, God's got this, you've got this."

I want to stand on the sidelines of my people with a foam finger and tell them they can do the hard things; as they enter into battlefields and new seasons, I want to be the one who calls, who sends the text, who buys the cups of coffee, who sends the flowers. I want to grab the shovel and climb into those places with them now so that I can rejoice with them later when the trophy comes. 

If Scripture tells us that God is for us, why would we not model that to the people in our lives? Why would we not be a constant source of strength and courage for them, serving as a reminder of how much God is for them? Fill your people, breathe joy and life and hope and expectancy into them. Give them big pep-talks for the big things, and even the small things. Let them borrow your confidence, and most importantly, remind them of their confidence in God. Champion them. 

Who are you championing today?