on snakes and good gifts...

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven given what is good to those who ask Him!"

- Matthew 7: 7-11

When I think of gifts, I do NOT think of stones and snakes. I think of Christmas and birthdays and hand written notes and surprise coffees on my desk (which are always and forever welcomed). It comforts me to know that even in our sinful humanity, we know how to practice the art of gift-giving; we know what would bless our friends and family. I am comforted in the idea that as much as my earthly community seeks to give, the Father desires to give abundantly MORE. 

Matthew 7 is quickly becoming one of my favorite portions of Scripture. It is a portion that reminds us to trust in His character and not in our circumstances. When we come to our Father as children, asking for the desires of our hearts, the deep and heavy things, God does not desire to trick us. He is not scheming and plotting against us, figuring out clever ways to confuse us or hurt us. He does not ignore or forsake or forget, He does not withhold any good thing, He does not give us stones or snakes. He will hear His children and give to them according to His kindness and His will, and when He doesn't give us our specific desires, He gives us Himself, the greatest gift of all. He does not give us stones, because He is the one who rolled the stone away. He does not give us snakes, because He trampled The Snake with His heel. His desire has always been to gift Himself to us, through joy and trial. 
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"He does not give us stones, because He is the one who rolled the stone away. 
He does not give us snakes, because He trampled The Snake with His heel..."

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We all have times where we pray for a good thing and think we have received a snake. Trust me, I have SO been in that place! We think that He is withholding from us, when in reality, He is blessing us with the gift of His sovereignty and protection. When I look at the past, how God has been so faithful to give, protect, and save, why would I ever think He would toss me a stone or a snake? Our God is good and He extends goodness to us always. We have to remember who He is when those snake-like lies slither into our hearts. Every good and perfect gift is from above, and the most good and only perfect gift, Jesus Christ, was sent to us out of the kindness and compassion of the Father. What more could we ever truly ask for? May we trust God as the Almighty Stone Roller and not a stone giver. 

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from 
the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow..."

- James 1:17

Where are you tempted to see snakes and stones in your life?

What are the good gifts you are trusting God for today?

on sunfish and scary places...

Confession: deep water scares me.

I specifically remember jumping off the side of a boat out at Folsom Lake when I was in high school and swimming frantically back to the boat for fear of what was in the water with me. And I didn't jump back in again. I stayed on the boat, where I thought I was safe and known. Fear does that, it scares us out of the good things. 

This week a large species of sunfish was found off the coast of Portugal. And listen, before you think I am some fish connoisseur, let me assure you I'm not, I just like to keep up with current events, especially ones that are fun and completely unrelated to The White House. Divers discovered this massive sunfish; you can watch the video here. It's amazing to think about how there are fish we have never seen down in those deep waters; big fish and small fish, glow-in-the-dark fish and black fish, ugly fish and beautiful fish. Just because we can't see them, doesn't mean they aren't there. 

I can't help but think about how my heart kind of feels like that deep, dark water sometimes. There are places where I am willing to go and places where I am scared of diving in for fear of what might be there. Proverbs 20:5 says that "a purpose in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out..." This verse has been an anthem of prayer over the past few weeks. A man of understanding is willing to dive into the depths of his own heart, to seek wisdom and self-awareness, to see what might be living down in the deep. I want that for myself.
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                                                                "A man of understanding is willing to dive into the depths of his own heart..."

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Now more than ever, I'm experiencing the vastness of my own heart. The waters are deep and the waves are tumultuous, and at times, completely overwhelming. There are feelings and thoughts and prayers that are completely new territory, and I feel like a diver discovering new fish; some are scary, some are beautiful, some are ugly. But the deeper I dive and the darker it becomes, the more opportunity I have to reach those places with light and truth. There are deep places of hope, insecurity, desire, grief, and brokenness. That's a lot to discover, a lot of tension to live in.

Some days, I am tempted to stay in the shallow areas and I am sure you are too, where we can see clearly, where we don't have to do any hard work, where we can wade around in clear, crystal, seemingly perfect moments. Shallow water allows us to see with ease, but there is something beautiful about the depths; they can be scary and at times hurt like hell, but the beauty of discovering God in those places... it's worth it. We discover Jesus as the Sustainer, the Comforter, the Great Planner and Protector, as the Great Foundation, the Grace-Giver, and the Quick-to-Compassion God. We discover that we're extremely complex, full of feelings and experiences and tensions. We discover that God is God, we are human, and that's how it should be. We discover that it's okay to feel simultaneously, to grieve and to celebrate.

May we not be too scared to miss out on the scary-good things at the bottom of our hearts. I don't want fear to be the boss of me and scare me out of the the heart work, out of the good places, like it did that day on the lake. I want to dive deep and discover both the ugly and the beautiful, so that Jesus may have His way within me.

the wheels on the bus...

"Are you awake?"

I am not the best at asking for help. I would almost rather spend an extra hour doing something in my own power rather than asking for help from others. Call it independence, call it fortitude, call it something frilly and pretty and noble, but I know what to call it... pride.

This week my car has been in the shop for repairs, and will continue to be there for probably another three. Inconvenient, but not the worst thing in the world. So for a week I have been taking the bus to and from work and asking all my friends for rides to events, to church, to the grocery store. It's definitely humbling to be so dependent on others. 

Yesterday was just like any other day. I stood at the bus stop. I waited for the bus. I chatted with another woman at the stop and then we got on. I sat and prepared for the seven minute ride. Then, we switched to the left lane. NOT NORMAL. Then, we switched over to the left turn lane. SO NOT NORMAL. My bus ride is literally a straight three miles on the same familiar street. I started to panic. I pressed the little button for a stop request. We turned on to the next street. The bus stopped and I walked off, completely bewildered. HOW COULD I HAVE GOTTEN ON THE WRONG BUS? I walked to the stoplight and immediately called a friend. She happened to join a 6am yoga class this week, so I knew she would be awake. I walked across the street to the local Starbucks, texting frantically. She was quick to respond and even quicker to drive over. 
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"...sharing life with people means humility..."

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She pulled in to the Starbucks, I jumped in her car, covered my face, and laughed. Friends, sharing life with people means humility. It means calling them at 7:30am asking them to pick you up at a local Starbucks because somehow you took the wrong bus and have no idea how to get to work on time. And can I just tell you what my friend said when I told her that I owe her a cup of coffee?

"You don't owe me, this is what friends are for."

My prideful, stupid heart needed to be reminded that this is why we are never meant to do life alone. We need people, we need Jesus, we need to be dependent on others (ultimately Jesus) outside of ourselves. 

Humility. Community. Grace. May we all continue to learn the gift of each.

on the standard of sweetness...

"So I have come down to deliver them from the power of the Egyptians, 
and to bring them up from that land to a good and spacious land, 
to a land flowing with milk and honey..." 

- Exodus 3:8

The Old Testament is NOT the place most Christians gravitate toward. We don't really think it's beautiful; it's hard to read, there are a lot of battles and laws and lineage and Jesus hasn't physically shown up yet. The Old Testament is not full of warm, fuzzy feelings. It is not going to give you a big, theological hug. 

In college, I had a professor who instilled within me a love for the Old Testament; for the history, the wrath, the goodness, the story. This is the greatest lesson and gift that I was given as a theology student. He allowed me to see that the Old Testament is absolutely needed and beautiful; because without the wrath, there is no need for love, and without the love, there would be no wrath. We miss that, us Christians, and we miss it hard. This summer I have journeyed through the pages of the Old Testament with a brilliant group of women. Their love for God and His Word completely encourage me. We just finished Genesis not too long ago. We wrestled with the text, asked questions, and began to hide the stories in our hearts. 

We are currently finishing Exodus, the culmination of slavery and freedom. All throughout Exodus, we see the brokenness of slavery and the beauty of the promise of freedom. These pages are meaty and hearty and full of symbolism and story. We do not just read about the chains, but feel the heaviness of the bondage, the deep anticipation and longing to be set free.

The thing that I have been clinging to is the sweetness of the Lord; Yahweh, this great and powerful and wrathful God also establishes Himself as the standard of sweetness. We see this as He provides the way to the land of flowing milk and honey, as He turns the bitter water to sweet water, as He writes the story of redemption in the midst of the wilderness. Honey, thick and gooey and sticky and sweet, a pure reflection of tangible grace.
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"...this great and powerful and wrathful God 
also establishes Himself as the standard of sweetness…"

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The land of flowing milk and honey is referenced four times throughout Exodus. Yahweh reminds them that there hope is coming, that although now they experience the dry and weary land, they will experience a land in the future that is abundant in all good things. Manna is sent from Heaven and, we are told in Exodus 16:5, that it tastes much like the sweetness of honey. Another taste of what is ahead of us; our sweet God is faithful to remind us of what is coming, that we should measure our experiences from the standard of His provision.

And I don't know about you, but I really need to lean in to that space. I need to be washed by the sweetness, to let God drench me with the thick and gooey truth of His goodness. I want my heart to trade in its bitter places for the sweetness of His constant provision and faithfulness. He leads us from our bondage into His blessing, from slavery into sweetness. And you know, sometimes we can't feel it or taste it or see it, but it is coming. The brokenness and bitterness and bondage now will allow us to taste and see that the Lord is sweeter than we could have ever imaged. 

on grace expectations...

Have you ever tried to eye-ball a recipe? I am always a little jealous of and perplexed by the men and women on cooking shows (and in life) who can just throw in all the things and out pops this amazing treat with perfectly iced frosting and lavender sprigs. Let me just tell you, measuring cups are a blessing and I use them often because if I did a whole "dash of this" and "a cup or so of that", my treat would end up being a HOT MESS. It's happened before. When I try to use my own measurements, I always fall short. (Except for when I make pancakes, because how could you ruin pancakes with a splash of vanilla and a dash of cinnamon?) I routinely give up on the homemade and take a trip to the local Vons for my favorite Susan Cookies. 
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When I try to use my own measurements, I always fall short...

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Do you ever feel like you just don't measure up? Maybe you feel you don't measure up to a standard that you have created or that the world created. Maybe you feel you don't measure up to a perceived ideal of someone else's expectations. Maybe you feel less-than in all of your ways. There are so many expectations; we live in the tension between too much and not enough. We wonder if we are too loud, quiet, strong, weak, fat, skinny, godly, funny, confident, pretty, and muscle-y. We wonder if we aren't loud, quiet, strong, weak, fat, skinny, godly, funny, confident, pretty, and muscle-y enough. We have these standards that have been imposed on us, expectations that we have cultivated in our own hearts, and we believe the lie that says if we just.

I am always scared that I am not what other people expect me to be; what if I am not funny enough? skinny enough? pretty enough? godly enough? involved enough? I am always scared that I am not what I expect me to be; what if I never get married? have children? write a book? attain my career goals? be a good Christian?

The shackles of expectation and the weight of failure are the heaviest burden, but Jesus says that we should come to Him, for His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Our standards create fear, His create comfort; there is grace in His standards, so how much more should we extend grace to ourselves? What standard are you measuring yourself by? What do you think you will gain? And what if you actually never gain it?

Now hear me when I say this... I am not saying give up, I am saying give grace. So maybe you can't fit into a size two pants, or lift 300 pounds at Crossfit, or have time to make organic baby food from your own garden. Grace says SO WHAT. Grace looks at your lists and standards and comparison and gives them the stink eye. Grace says the yoke is easy and the burden is light. Grace says give grace.

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Don't give up, give grace...

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Let's cling to grace expectations rather than great expectations. What if we cast away the shackles of standards and self-imposed measurements and exhibited grace not just to friends and family, but to ourselves? Because the yoke is easy and the burden is light... Because grace doesn't need to be deeper, it is deeper.

two years to forever...

This week, my Small Group ended.

This week, I have no words and all the emotions.

Monday night was filled with poolside prayers, laughter, tears, selfies, Del Taco Fiesta Packs, and homemade fried ice cream.  And I cried myself all the way home because God’s love and joy and mercy are so evident in this group.

Two years ago, this group came from the Children’s Ministry on the opposite side of the church, into our ministry, and straight into my heart. This group of girls became my group of girls, and the fact that God allowed me to walk with them for two whole years? I CAN’T EVEN RIGHT NOW. I do not question that God completely orchestrated these relationships, because it has been just about too much for me to handle (in every good way imaginable). Two summers, two springs, two falls, two winters. I have seen them through pains and heartaches and joys and laughter; we’ve been the group who has literally mourned and danced together. I am thankful, my heart is joyful, and my cup is overflowing by the gallons.

Teaching these sweet girls has been the best, but being taught by them has been as equally life giving. These girls have taught me so much about what it means to love unconditionally and to know a mothers heart, because let me tell you what, I did not birth these girls, but my love for them is just as fierce as if I did. If any of these girls become orphans, I am adopting them in a HOT HEARTBEAT. No questions asked, you may as well file the paperwork right now just in case, you know, for safe keeping. They have taught me to stay young and to laugh and to wear green tutus and to live fearlessly. They have taught me to exhibit grace and to go with the flow and that Oreos should be incorporated into 85% of your weekly meals. They have taught me what it means to be “on fleek” and all the other cultural shifts and references that are happening amongst the youths of today. They teach me as I teach them and I love how discipleship is cyclical and benefiting to everyone involved (maybe not the Oreo part…).

Monday night we ended our year, celebrating soccer championships and dance performances, new seasons and transitions and new jobs for their parents, sleepovers and snowball fights and awkward conversations about sex; we celebrated TWO WHOLE GIRLS giving their lives to Jesus. And people, if that isn’t the icing on top of an already sweet two years, I don’t know what is!

I am so dang excited for these girls as they start their new adventure in high school! And like I tell these sweet girls, through many tears, we go to the same church and we will always be each other’s people. This is how they learn that community is built across ministries and across rooms; this is how they learn the meaning of the church itself.

But as they grow up, I have so many hopes and prayers and wants for these girls.

I pray that Monday nights remind them of Oreos and Jesus and Tijuana and dance parties and Alex From Target; that they look back at the memories and laugh until they cry.

I pray that their friendships with each other are knit together in the Lord and that they continue to love and serve and encourage and pray for each other with each passing year. I want them to know that we are forever each other’s people.

I pray that they remember that even adults don’t have it all together and that following Jesus will be hard no matter what age you are. To decide to live as a God-fearing girl is no easy choice, but I pray that they wake up every day with the resolve to live in such a way. It is hard, but it is so worth it.

I pray that they continue to pray for my future husband and that when I introduce them to him, they love him and tell him all the silly stories of our Small Group and our jokes and their prayers. And when children come? I pray that these girls love them and cherish them and buy them all the headbands and bows and maybe one day lead them in a Small Group of their own.

I pray that they go into high school (and all of life’s seasons) with all the confidence because God is right there alongside them. He knows what is ahead and He goes before them and hems them in from behind.

I pray that they seek first the kingdom, that in all they do, they will look for the Jesus in it. I pray that they know God’s Word and they pray and they worship with all they have. I pray that one day they do become youth leaders and have a group of girls just like this that they teach and mentor, that they will know the feeling that I have RIGHT NOW.

I pray that they will always laugh with each other and protect each other and worship with each other. I pray that they come alongside each other in both the joys and the trials.

I pray that they learn their gifting’s and serve God with all of their hearts, with all of their capacity, in any season that they find themselves in.

I pray that we never stop celebrating life together; I pray that my fridge is full of graduation invitations, “Save The Dates”, wedding invitations, prayer cards, and Kodak moments from the previous years of us. I pray we still have sleepovers and snowball fights and dance parties to Taylor Swift. I pray that they know how loved they truly are.

Sitting here, writing these words, I am just so thankful, thankful and overjoyed. I am like a broken record in the best possible way. JUST LOOK AT THEM. They have the sweetest smiles and the biggest hearts and the cutest laughs. Two whole years... Praises! 

And this is why I do ministry, this is why I love these girls, because God moves so mightily in the laughter and the crying and the learning. God moves. 

on burnt bacon...

Monday mornings are my Sabbath.

Working in a church, Sunday is not typically a day of rest; it’s full of church services, mission’s trainings, lunch dates, coffee dates, and office work. So yeah, Sundays are full, filling days, but they are not restful days.

I woke up this morning and hustled my way into the kitchen, preparing coffee and avocado toast and bacon (a heavenly trifecta). The bacon was on the burner and I turned around for literally maybe 30 seconds, and by that time, THE BACON WAS BURNT. Excuse me; what kind of bacon burns within the time it takes to pour a cup of coffee? Apparently the kind that I buy… I was frustrated. It was barely 8:30AM and I already wanted to throw in the towel. My morning, my restful, Sabbath, Jesus-filled morning was already off to clearly a great start.

My devotion this morning reminded me of something that my heart was in desperate need of hearing. It reminded me of the grace and strength that is found in weakness.

“Yet I was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; and the grace of our LORD was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus… Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, and I am the worst…”

– 1 Timothy 1: 13-15

So I sat there, with the coffee and the burnt bacon, and I thought about how my frustration wasn’t over the bacon itself, but about what the bacon represented. It was kind of like the straw that broke the camels back, if you will. The burnt bacon was a loud shout into my heart saying, “YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH.” Now, my bacon doesn’t really talk to me, but bear with me… It was a resonating reminder of the lie that had been haunting me all week, that I am not strong enough and that I am not real enough and that I am not fill-in-the-blank enough. (Not to mention we studied Proverbs 31 in church this weekend, so there you go.)

Kaitlin Wernet over at She Reads Truth said, “I want to avoid dwelling on my faults, so I immediately justify them with my strengths.” Friends, our greatest strength is that we sin; there is no way that our strengths justify our weaknesses because even our strengths can be weaknesses. It is only in Christ, only in His grace, that our weaknesses are justified. My jealousy, my lust, my sinful nature cannot be compensated or justified by any skill set I have acquired; ONLY CHRIST, only Christ. Our weakness is incapable of being greater than His strength and His grace.

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My jealousy, my lust, my sinful nature cannot be

compensated or justified by any

skill set I have acquired...

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And here is the kicker… I AM A REAL PERSON. I sin, I fall short, I have areas in my life that I need to grow in. I am not perfect and in a sense, I really am not “enough”, and I am not supposed to be. Christ is enough, only Christ is enough. His grace is more abundant in the moments where our jealousy takes hold, where we get angry with our friends and family, where our lust becomes action, where our weaknesses are highlighted. His grace covers our sin and strife and our burnt bacon.

You are enough because Christ is enough, you are strong because His strength is made whole in your weakness, and you are pardoned because of the grace He lavishes. I have no idea what season of life you are in today; maybe a newlywed, maybe a new mom, maybe a singlet trying to figure our life, maybe recovering from a loss, maybe overjoyed by a new adventure coming your way. No matter what season you are in, His grace is more abundant. 

after He has risen...

“...Through the obedience of The One, the many will be made righteous... where sin increased, grace abounded all the more..."

-       Romans 5: 19 - 20

Good Friday, a solemn Saturday, and a celebration on Sunday…

Easter weekend.

On Good Friday, I was camping at the beach with my JH students. I asked many of them what was good about Good Friday? Why do we call it that? (Please keep in mind that when I was 13 years old, I knew nothing about Jesus and I didn’t really know the answer to this question until probably my freshman year of college.) Each of them knew, they knew. They knew that we call it Good Friday because it was the day that Jesus Christ’s salvific work on The Cross was completed, it was finished.

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Good Friday is purely good, a good that we can accept

but will never fully understand.

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This week had me reflecting on the sacrifice, and completely brought me to my knees. Saturday night I read Romans 5, and was completely struck by the beauty of the verses in that chapter. GRACE ABOUNDS ALL THE MORE; where there is sin, there is more grace, there is an abundance that will never run out, never be depleted, never dry.

There is a new song from Hillsong United titled, “Touch the Sky”, and it is beyond beautiful. I have had it on continuous loop for days. There is a point in the song when she states, “I found heaven as Love swept low…” Friends, this Christ, this Love, swept low; He humbled Himself, wearing a crown of thorns, being whipped and beaten and mocked, taking the shame and curse for humanity on The Cross… Do you get that today? Not just for me or my friends or my family or my ethnic group, but for humanity.

Currently, I am studying through The Risen Christ with She Reads Truth. We are looking at the people that Jesus appeared to after His resurrection… Mary, the Disciples, Thomas… and it is brilliant. It is brilliant because it has me thinking about the whole idea of the next step.

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He has Risen, so now what?

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As Christians, we make Easter a big to-do; we make sure to plan more services with more lights and more dynamic worship, we make sure to put our best pastors on the stage and our best greeters at the doors. We show the church and the visitors Christ and His sacrifice, some people find Jesus for the first time, and then it’s over. You found Jesus on Easter and we are so glad you did… and that’s all we give, that’s all they get. But, I can’t help but think about how we as a church, as Christians, slide back into the daily routine and forget about those people, the ones who just figured out Jesus. We should have as much excitement for our post-Easter Sundays as we do our Easter Sunday. Excitement and reflection should not only be reserved for the calendared Holy Days, but must be found as we realize that every day has the potential to be a holy day.  

May we remember that grace abounds for us EVERY WEEK, not just on Easter Sunday; may we reflect on His sacrifice for humanity every time we come to Him with our Bibles and journals and through the doors of our church; may we, like Thomas, experience the gravity of Jesus weeks after His resurrection.

Friends, He has Risen, so now what?