on wounds and redemption...

Somewhere down the line, you have been wounded. You have a terrible father or had a terrible relationship; you experienced death of a loved one or of a dream. Your heart took a pretty big beating, with one too many punches, and it ended up in a really scary, broken, bruised place. 

We all have it, the wound. I know what mine is as I write this, you know what yours is as you read these words. Wounds always leave scars. My body is host to many, both physically and emotionally, and I am sure They say that the ugliest scars have the best stories, which can be true, but sometimes the ugliest scars have the simplest stories. Simple, common experiences that are very heavy and painful, because simple does not always means easy. Simplicity can still have a profound impact. 

"I didn't get the job..." Simple, but great.
"She cheated on me..." Simple, but great.
"My parents divorced..." Simple, but great.
"My best friend passed away..." Simple, but great.
"He told me he never really loved me..." Simple, but great.

These experiences lead us to a re-wiring. It leads us to believe lies as a coping mechanism. Suddenly, everything was different... The things you believed about yourself, about people, and maybe even about God completely changed. The wounds begin to whisper into your life, subtly gaining traction, becoming louder and louder. Now, your filter is a little bit skewed and you can't really discern the difference between a lie and a truth. We get confused about who we are and what makes us; we begin to live out of self-given titles and insecurities. We begin to believe that we are not worthy, we are not impressive, we are not strong, we are not beautiful, we are not accepted, we are not wanted. I understand this grey area. Too often, I live out of this place. And our culture does not help us out with this, which is why we MUST lean into the grace of God and the identity given to us as His children. 

Scars are not pretty. They expose the wound that once was, that thing that led to excruciating pain, bleeding, possible stitches, maybe even an actual surgery. They remind us of the fear, the turmoil, the pain. Scars will always be there, but we can choose to see them as evidence of brokenness or evidence of healing. 
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Scars will always be there, but we can choose to 

see them as evidence of brokenness or evidence of healing. 

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And what about healing? Healing takes time, yes, and a huge dose of the Holy Spirit. Healing looks different for everyone. Your healing might look like a night out with your crew, complete with some seriously great pizza, car-dancing, and a Redbox. Your healing might look like sitting in a counselors office every Monday at 5:30PM for two years. Your healing might look like a creating a blog or reading a book or having a coffee date with a mentor. Healing takes time, and only you know how much you will need. Don't rush it, but do be open to it.

Do not let your wounds define you. Do not believe the lies that the wounds will tell you. Do not be afraid to invite people into those wounds. YES THIS IS SCARY. I understand that this is uncomfortable and opens a door for potentially even more damage BUT, this also opens the door for redemption. 

I am thankful for people in my community who have redeemed my wounds, who have replaced my broken images with ones full of love, grace, and truth. I can only pray that I am that for others; that I can be a safe, redemptive place. Maybe I will be the one to redeem someones view of friendship, of a Christian, or of a woman in general. 

We are all wounded, we are all limping away from the process, seeking healing and redemption for the broken, beat up things. May we see our wounds be a part of the story, but not the story. 

So buckle down, choose to believe truth, and dive into the thing that scares you and requires a little bit of risk, because that is the evidence of healing. 

on grey areas & temper tantrums...

Confession: I have temper tantrums with Jesus.

I think that He is big enough to handle me, so it's what I do, I have it out with God. King David taught me this; when I look at the Psalms, this man was not afraid to tell God about his emotions, and because I serve that same God, I can do the same thing. But this time was a little different... I told Him I rejected His answer because His answer (to me) isn't an answer at all. I have never done that before. It was a little scary, honestly. But, being real with God is scary because it’s real in the most real way.

In one little big area of my life, God is giving me a lot of grey, a lot of maybe and wait, a lot of limbo. And by a lot, I mean A LOT. We don't like when the answers are grey, we want black and white, we want guidance and plans and clarity. For the past week or so, I have been asking God for clarity, to remove the grey and replace it with black. Or white. Or even red. Just something other than grey, please. The grey-maybe-wait-limbo area is NOT comfortable or fun and I have been asking God for a semblance, a shred, a little something. But He keeps giving me more grey. And then, God was faithful to bring me to this piece of writing by Emily Freeman a couple days ago and it completely wrecked me in the best possible way:

"...we’ve developed a bad habit of praying for clarity. We want to know the plan before we agree to it, but we’re beginning to understand that’s not really how You roll. You never promised clarity… You are not a God who offers clear steps. You invited Abraham outside and told him to look up at the stars... You gave Moses a vision of a Promised Land flowing with milk and honey... No, You never promised clarity. But You always gave a hopeful vision. And You always promise presence…."

I read this truth and God reminded me that hope is not contingent on clarity. We have hope regardless of sight or knowledge. We have hope because He is hope. My poor, fickle heart has been striving to find clarity and hope in earthly ways, and it is just plain exhausted. I am the modern day Sarai, wanting to take plans into her own hands.

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...hope is not contingent on clarity...

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I came to God with this exhausted heart, the one that is reeling from sin and strife. I felt like God saw my temper tantrum, met me in it, and said "Child, just because its grey, doesn't mean it's not being worked through or that I don’t have a plan, because I do." I don’t know about you, but I am desperate for those moments with Him, for Him to tell me that He is in control and that I am safe in that place.  

So, where do I go from here? I trust Him. I surrender. I pray. People, please know that it is so much easier said than done. I am not the person who writes those words flippantly; to trust God is hard and weighty and it is different for everyone. I will continue to trust and hope and pray, because He has a plan, and just because I don't know what the plan looks like doesn't mean that it is non-existent. #ouch

What are the hard things you are bringing before God?

Do you feel you can be honest with Him?

How do you remind yourself to hope?

*PS: Read Emily Freeman's full post here!*

#bestthirtysix...

Two thousand and fifteen.

I wanted to get away to write this; I wanted to take a retreat to really spend time with the Lord and dwell on this past year and the year that lies ahead. But, sitting here at the local Starbucks, I think that the Lord is speaking just the same. This year has been abundant; I mean abundant in every single way, in both the trials and the joys. There has been an abundance of laughter and blessing, but also an abundance of change and mourning; an abundance of life and also death. 

As the year began, the Lord spoke softly to my heart a theme… "Be still." Throughout this year, the words of Psalm 46:10 were an encouragement and a comfort… "Cease striving, be still, and know that I am God…" Stillness, it's not my spiritual gift, but with each moment and lesson this past year, it was the sweet whisper that the Lord was faithful to give… "As you wait for this new position… be still. As you end seven years of junior high ministry… be still. As you pray through your singleness… be still. As you mourn the death of your grandpa… be still. As your best friend moves overseas… be still. As you welcome new babies and take on the title of "Aunt Kristi"… be still. As you seek God… be still. As you wait for God to move… be still." This year, I saw God move mountains and open floodgates in the stillness. This year taught me that stillness on our part allows for movement on His part. 

Social media has been blowing up with the idea of the #bestnineofinstagram. I love this campaign, but when I generated mine, I had a few thoughts. First off, this is generating the photos that "the people" (whoever they may be to you) liked most, NOT what I liked most about my year. Second, NINE SQUARES? You guys, only nine little squares?! That's not the way that I roll… So, here I am (and on Instagram!) with 36 teeny, tiny squares of memories and moments, reminding me that this year has been hard and rich and full. I want to stop and rest in that, just for today. 

This year has been incredible! When I look at the little details, I recognize it's true fullness. When I look back on 2015, I will look back to when I went to the IF: Gathering in Austin, TX, ended my time serving in vocational ministry at my church, started a new job at CBU, transitioned from junior high ministry to high school ministry, bought a new car, mourned the passing of my Grandpa, became an Aunt for many sweet little babies, turned twenty six, drank too many hawaiian lattes, was published at Incourage, had conversations with Annie Downs via Twitter, read some incredible books, watched every season of "Parks & Recreation",  quit my job as a substitute teacher and barista, went on my first date ever, got seriously healthy and became a runner/jogger, saw great movies, ate great food (mostly BBQ and Mexican), took rest very seriously, went to the 1989 Taylor Swift concert, went to a Luke Bryan concert, went to a Brett Eldredge concert, went to a Shane and Shane concert, learned the importance of FaceTime dates with my best friend living in Ecuador, had a house broken in to, went to Disneyland, spent a lot of time driving around my town and praying, had hard conversations with the Lord, learned a lot about myself, bought a rug, started a retirement fund, and nurtured old friendships and made some new ones. And I am sure I am forgetting a lot of other things! Man, 2015 was rich. (But please note, 2015 was NOT the year that I became rich. #targetstealsallmymoney)

I have spent time in prayer over 2016, asking the Lord to reveal a theme to me. I sat with an expectant heart, waiting to glean what He would speak. I am excited to share that with you all in the coming week, but for now, I am leaning into the gleanings of this past year rather than the excitement for the new one, because there is a lot there. 

So here's to 2015, the year that has come and gone. Whether you want to forget it forever or relive those memories for years to come, I pray that you would lean into the things that God has done for you. May the pains and the joys be redeemed by the work of Christ! Raise your glass (of sparkling cider) and celebrate that there is a time for everything, for mourning and for dancing (and lets hope tonight is full of dancing!)!

Cheers to 2015, friends! 

on burnt bacon...

Monday mornings are my Sabbath.

Working in a church, Sunday is not typically a day of rest; it’s full of church services, mission’s trainings, lunch dates, coffee dates, and office work. So yeah, Sundays are full, filling days, but they are not restful days.

I woke up this morning and hustled my way into the kitchen, preparing coffee and avocado toast and bacon (a heavenly trifecta). The bacon was on the burner and I turned around for literally maybe 30 seconds, and by that time, THE BACON WAS BURNT. Excuse me; what kind of bacon burns within the time it takes to pour a cup of coffee? Apparently the kind that I buy… I was frustrated. It was barely 8:30AM and I already wanted to throw in the towel. My morning, my restful, Sabbath, Jesus-filled morning was already off to clearly a great start.

My devotion this morning reminded me of something that my heart was in desperate need of hearing. It reminded me of the grace and strength that is found in weakness.

“Yet I was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; and the grace of our LORD was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus… Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, and I am the worst…”

– 1 Timothy 1: 13-15

So I sat there, with the coffee and the burnt bacon, and I thought about how my frustration wasn’t over the bacon itself, but about what the bacon represented. It was kind of like the straw that broke the camels back, if you will. The burnt bacon was a loud shout into my heart saying, “YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH.” Now, my bacon doesn’t really talk to me, but bear with me… It was a resonating reminder of the lie that had been haunting me all week, that I am not strong enough and that I am not real enough and that I am not fill-in-the-blank enough. (Not to mention we studied Proverbs 31 in church this weekend, so there you go.)

Kaitlin Wernet over at She Reads Truth said, “I want to avoid dwelling on my faults, so I immediately justify them with my strengths.” Friends, our greatest strength is that we sin; there is no way that our strengths justify our weaknesses because even our strengths can be weaknesses. It is only in Christ, only in His grace, that our weaknesses are justified. My jealousy, my lust, my sinful nature cannot be compensated or justified by any skill set I have acquired; ONLY CHRIST, only Christ. Our weakness is incapable of being greater than His strength and His grace.

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My jealousy, my lust, my sinful nature cannot be

compensated or justified by any

skill set I have acquired...

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And here is the kicker… I AM A REAL PERSON. I sin, I fall short, I have areas in my life that I need to grow in. I am not perfect and in a sense, I really am not “enough”, and I am not supposed to be. Christ is enough, only Christ is enough. His grace is more abundant in the moments where our jealousy takes hold, where we get angry with our friends and family, where our lust becomes action, where our weaknesses are highlighted. His grace covers our sin and strife and our burnt bacon.

You are enough because Christ is enough, you are strong because His strength is made whole in your weakness, and you are pardoned because of the grace He lavishes. I have no idea what season of life you are in today; maybe a newlywed, maybe a new mom, maybe a singlet trying to figure our life, maybe recovering from a loss, maybe overjoyed by a new adventure coming your way. No matter what season you are in, His grace is more abundant. 

the familiar friend & a guest post...

Happy Monday to all you lovely people!

Today, I am over at my friend Courtney's blog, Familiar Friend, sharing about stillness and fear and how trying harder is not necessarily running faster. 

Grab a cup of coffee and head over to the post HERE. 

spring fever...

Spring is my second favorite season (silver medal, y’all).

Every single year, I get the fever… the spring fever; I want to bake new things, clean house, throw out the old, and bring on the new.

(coconut almond butter cups... recipe coming soon!)

This weekend I went a little spring fever crazy, which is totally appropriate since it was the very first weekend of the season… I bought flowers for my little apartment from our local Farmer’s Market, made a few new recipes (eggplant lasagna and coconut almond butter cups!), deep-cleaned the kitchen, sewed a new duvet, and installed new curtains. AND I WANTED TO DO MORE. So, I went to Starbucks to grab a coffee and imagine my surprise when I felt so tired driving there and back; the moment I stopped doing all the things, my body had a chance to catch up and say “FOR THE LOVE, NO MORE!”

So, I came home and did just that… nothing more. Actually, I did one thing more, which was pop in a movie and write this post!

This Spring feels different; maybe I am romanticizing it, but I feel something is coming, its in the air. There is change, there are good things, there is excitement. People, I can feel it in my bones, this season (literally) is going to be good. 

So, how are you celebrating the new season?

Buy flowers? A new candle? Take a trip to the beach?

What did you do this weekend?

Tell me all about it. 

road trips are my jam...

Most people can’t stand being in a car, but the car is my happy place. Windows down, radio up (mostly always country), sunglasses on… Perfection. 

About two weeks ago, one of my best friends and I decided to take a road trip throughout the Northern Coast. It was needed on so many levels… To get away, to reconnect (she lives in the mountains of Central CA while I am in Southern CA), to just have fun with my person. We reminisced over our college days, over our seven years of friendship; we talked about relationships and about what the Lord is teaching us and about the different seasons we are in as opposed to where we thought we would be. God is merciful and gracious to not answer some of our prayers, y'all!

Friends, I cannot tell you how much fun we had. We traveled 1,056.7 miles over four days, adventured through multiple cities, stayed in some awesome and questionable hostels, ate some of the greatest food, and had life-giving conversations. We laughed hard, drove recklessly, threw caution to the wind, drank too many lattes, ate too much food, and created lasting memories. 

DAY ONE

Riverside, CA -> Clovis, CA -> Sausalito, CA

Our first day was mostly all traveling, not sightseeing; I drove from Southern CA to Central CA to pick up my girl, then we headed straight towards Sausalito, CA. For three nights, we stayed in hostels through a company calling Hostelling International. They provide great places to stay for very cheap prices, perfect for road-tripping! We arrived in pretty late, so our only option for dinner was stopping at the local Whole Foods for build-your-own salads, mind you, we had roughly ten minutes until the store closed; cue running through Whole Foods, building salads that make no culinary sense, and taking selfies while the clerks judge us. Obviously, our trip was off to a great start! We checked into our hostel, ate our salads, and attempted to get a good nights sleep.

DAY TWO

Sausalito, CA -> San Francisco, CA -> Point Reyes, CA -> Pescadero, CA

We woke up our next day ready to plan our first day of actual road-tripping. Our first stop: the Ferry Building in San Francisco, CA. This place is filled with amazing eateries, local artisans, and great coffee. We grabbed lattes from Blue Bottle Coffee and walked through the building, sampling lotions and cheeses and all the things. And, then I ran into one of my friends from junior high school. Excuse me, yes, this did happen. I haven’t talked to her in roughly 13 years, and homegirl recognized me as we walked by her booth. CRAZY. I still can’t really believe that actually happened. We grabbed lunch from Cowgirl Creamery (known for their cheeses and salads) then headed out to the Golden Gate Park Windmills & Tulip Farm. We walked, talked, and cheered on the cyclists. We jumped in the car and drove to our next stop: Point Reyes, CA. People, Point Reyes easily became one of my new favorite towns; it is small and quaint, filled with cows and rolling hills and amazing views of the coast. We made a point to stop at the S.S. Point Reyes, an abandoned, shipwrecked ship in the middle of the town. If you ever visit Point Reyes, this is a must! We had a great time exploring the ship and taking in the beauty of it all (which meant a friendship photo session, complete with self timers and judgy onlookers). We planned to see the lighthouse, but for some reason, it was closed to the public, so we headed to our next hostel in Pescadero, CA, which happened to be on the shore of the coast, within 500 feet of a lighthouse. The view made up for the sketchy owner, the haphazardly organized kitchen, and the fluorescent-lit hot tub that the owner let us use for free. (Note to self: sometimes the best things in life are not free.) 

DAY THREE

Pescadero, CA -> Davenport, CA -> Big Sur, CA -> Santa Cruz, CA

This day was easily my favorite day of our entire trip! It was packed to the brim with great food, great sights, and great conversations. Breakfast was spent at Davenport Cafe, which is located on the side of the highway in Davenport, CA. And you think I am exaggerating, but we decided that we would be willing to plan other trips around this cafe because the food was so freaking good. I ordered an omelette with spinach, pesto, and bacon with hash browns on the side, my friend ordered a breakfast burrito, and we both ordered a cup of their special Mexican roast coffee. I am convinced that this breakfast was inspired by the Holy Spirit; legitimately, I am ruined for omelettes... There will never be an omelette that will live up to this one!

  We thanked the waitress and the cooks for one of the best meals in the history of our lives, and made the trek up to Big Sur, CA. We spent the crux of the day hiking the Pfeiffer Falls and driving through the coast, blasting T-Swift and Maroon 5... and let me tell you, it was just so dang perfect. 

The day ended in Santa Cruz, CA at the Santa Cruz Bookstore, Penny Ice Creamery and Verve Coffee. I grabbed a gift for a friend, a delicious latte, and went a little crazy on two scoops of ice cream! If you have never been to Santa Cruz, Penny Ice Creamery is a must. Their flavors are always changing, but if you get the chance, try a scoop of the Chocolate Sorbet and the Brown Bread. Again, Holy Spirit inspired, y'all! 

DAY FOUR

Santa Cruz, CA -> Clovis, CA -> Riverside, CA

Santa Cruz served as our bookend to our trip. We had breakfast at Companion Bakeshop, which serves Blue Bottle Coffee and bakes some of the tastiest pastries I have ever had in my entire life. If you are ever in Santa Cruz for the day (or the morning), this place needs to be on your list! The rest of the day was spent driving back to Central CA and Southern CA. 

I am telling you, it was a life-giving four days, but for the love, I am so very thankful for a long, clean shower and my own bed.

Next trip... Napa Valley, CA? Bend, OR? Cruise to Mexico?

The world is my oyster, apparently.