on the "liked" and the "liker"...

We all know them. Maybe we are them. The selfie girls. 

The ones who post photos of themselves with a smile and a Bible verse or a fun caption about summer or Netflix or tacos. The photos are well-angled, well-filtered, well-timed. Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love social media. I am Instagram and Twitter's best friends. I love being able to see the lives of friends in other countries, of being able to share the Gospel in a caption, and to have a place to remind myself of life highlights. BUT, yesterday, my social media scrolling hit an all time low. I definitely had a log versus speck moment (Matthew 7 for reference).

I scrolled through, and there it was, THE selfie. I sat there, looking at this girl and I instantly was filled with rage, comparison, jealousy. My heart became anxious and I started wondering if people liked her more than me, if I was less attractive than her, if she was going to get the boy, if I need to start posting selfies in order to remind people that I am here and I am beautiful. HELLO, LOOK AT ME AND LIKE ME. Sure, maybe girls (and boys too!) post things out of insecurity, wanting to be reminded that they are beautiful and loved, wanting an instant gratification of self, and maybe they don't. We can assume and judge and criticize all we want, but I realized something in that other girls' selfie... It revealed my insecurity. I don't need to post a photo of myself in order for the Enemy to make me question my worth, all I need to do is watch others post theirs. Friends, the Enemy is sneaky and manipulative, he turns beauty into something to be jealous of and simultaneously ashamed of; he has been doing it since The Garden.

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"...I realized something in that other girls' selfie... It revealed my insecurity..."

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One thing that I know to be true is that whether you are the "liked" or the "liker", social media can become a breeding ground for insecurity. We begin to question our beauty, our strength, our quality of life, our identity. If not put in it's proper place, social media can deteriorate the innate and inherent worth of our souls. No matter what side we are one, the "liked" or the "liker", we are all searching for affirmation. We are all asking the same questions... Am I beautiful? Am I enough? Am I worthy of attention? Am I liked?

Our identity is NOT measured by an app on our phone.

Our identity is NOT completed or found in a single good photo.

Our identity is NOT compromised when she looks better than we do.

Our identity is NOT measured by the amount of "likes" and "YOU CUTE" comments.

My identity, OUR identity, is found in Jesus Christ, the one whose image we bear. We are each made in such a way that reflects Christ's uniquely physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Instagram cannot fully express or affirm who we are in Christ. Whether you are the "liked" or the "liker", may you measure yourself ONLY by Jesus and His words about you, those are truly the only ones that matter.

How are you clinging to His words versus the affirmations of this world?

How are you reminding yourself of your worth in a world that seeks to tear it down?

on wisdom and sin...

The other day I posted a little snippet of what God has been teaching me over on Instagram.

Just because it isn't sinful, doesn't mean it's wise. OUCH. Lately, God has been using His Word (I have been camping out daily in the Proverbs, which is a staple for my morning chats with Jesus!) to remind me that wisdom is a rare and grey commodity. Sin is typically black and white, we know that difference between godliness and lawlessness, yet wisdom? Wisdom is a little more intricate, a little more blurry. 
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"Just because it isn't sinful, doesn't mean it's wise"...

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Wisdom looks differently for everyone; we all have our own convictions, sin-triggers, heartaches, desires, idols. What might be wise for you, may not be wise for me, and vice versa. Wisdom requires self-awareness, self-control, self-denial. Wisdom is incredibly nuanced; you must determine a biblical ethic in context to you personally. When it comes to these three areas, I think it is important to ask ourselves the big questions, like:

- Am I making choices that glorify myself or glorify God?
- Am I seeking out something that will benefit my spiritual health?
- Am I making choices that are not only wise for me, but for the others involved?
- Am I engaging in actions and behaviors that aren't sinful, but still aren't a good idea?
- Am I able to tell my mentor/accountability partner what I have done without feeling shame or guilt?

The absence of wisdom begets sin. Sometimes, being wise means saying no to the fun, saying no to the good, saying no to the common thing, and saying yes in faith, being obedient to His desires rather than your own. Jesus never said obedience would be fun and feel good all of the time, but He does say that it is worth it. 
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"The absence of wisdom begets sin..."

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The Bible says that if you seek wisdom, she will be your bestie and a forever friend. She will guard you, guide you, protect you. And I don't know about you, but that sounds like something worth pursuing. 

Friends, what is God teaching you lately? What does wisdom look like for you?

on the contentious woman...

"...a constant dripping on a day of steady rain and 
a contentious woman are alike..." 

- Proverbs 27:15

During the past week, I've been reading a Proverb a day (because wisdom please!); I've noticed the idea of The Contentious Woman. She is mentioned roughly five times in Proverbs (Proverbs 21:9;19; Proverbs 26:21; Proverbs 27:15) depending upon translation. The Contentious Woman given to argument or strife; she is quarrelsome, characterized by controversy and provoking. There is an absence of peace and faith; truly, she is the opposite of the woman characterized in Proverbs 31 who has no fear for the future, who laughs, who builds up, who brings life to those around her. I feel like the Lord has been really opening my eyes to this contrast of character; He brings to mind recent conversations where I've asked unnecessary questions, tried to provoke thought, to control, change and gain clarity... places where I've been seeking answers from man, not from God.

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"...contention roams in my heart when there is fear and insecurity, 

a lack of peace and trust in God to be who He says He will be..."

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So, what makes a woman contentious? What makes a woman argue and provoke and be a "constant dripping", or in other versions, a "leaky faucet"? I don't know about every woman, but I know that contention roams in my heart when there is fear and insecurity, a lack of peace and trust in God to be who He says He will be. I don't think that I am a consciously contentious woman, but I definitely see myself becoming one. I have contentious tendencies. When I am operating out of fear for the future, out of the insecurity that the Enemy plants in my heart, then I am prone to quarrel and strife, to provocation and urgency. The only Person who is built to carry our contentious spirits is the Lord; we can come before His throne with any sadness, any question, any heartache, any grievance and upset. For me, becoming contentious is not something I strive for, it is something that I become when I am not rooting myself in truth, grace, and love.  
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"...if I am filling myself with the truth of the Living Water, 
there is no need to become a "leaky faucet"..."

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I do NOT want to be characterized and motivated by fear and insecurity, but rather out of peace and security. A woman who is at rest in her identity in Christ is not contentious, THAT is the kind of woman I desperately desire to be. If I am filling myself with the truth of the Living Water, there is no need to become a "leaky faucet", to be seeking affirmation and answers from places that simply just cannot provide such things. There is beauty in His control; when He is in control, that means that I don't have to be! And where there is that kind of freedom, contention has no place. 

Am I a woman who is prone to peace or prone to provocation? 

Am I constantly seeking affirmation, constantly asking questions, 

or resting in the security and knowledge of Christ?

(PS: I think this applies to men as well, just saying.)

on snakes and good gifts...

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven given what is good to those who ask Him!"

- Matthew 7: 7-11

When I think of gifts, I do NOT think of stones and snakes. I think of Christmas and birthdays and hand written notes and surprise coffees on my desk (which are always and forever welcomed). It comforts me to know that even in our sinful humanity, we know how to practice the art of gift-giving; we know what would bless our friends and family. I am comforted in the idea that as much as my earthly community seeks to give, the Father desires to give abundantly MORE. 

Matthew 7 is quickly becoming one of my favorite portions of Scripture. It is a portion that reminds us to trust in His character and not in our circumstances. When we come to our Father as children, asking for the desires of our hearts, the deep and heavy things, God does not desire to trick us. He is not scheming and plotting against us, figuring out clever ways to confuse us or hurt us. He does not ignore or forsake or forget, He does not withhold any good thing, He does not give us stones or snakes. He will hear His children and give to them according to His kindness and His will, and when He doesn't give us our specific desires, He gives us Himself, the greatest gift of all. He does not give us stones, because He is the one who rolled the stone away. He does not give us snakes, because He trampled The Snake with His heel. His desire has always been to gift Himself to us, through joy and trial. 
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"He does not give us stones, because He is the one who rolled the stone away. 
He does not give us snakes, because He trampled The Snake with His heel..."

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We all have times where we pray for a good thing and think we have received a snake. Trust me, I have SO been in that place! We think that He is withholding from us, when in reality, He is blessing us with the gift of His sovereignty and protection. When I look at the past, how God has been so faithful to give, protect, and save, why would I ever think He would toss me a stone or a snake? Our God is good and He extends goodness to us always. We have to remember who He is when those snake-like lies slither into our hearts. Every good and perfect gift is from above, and the most good and only perfect gift, Jesus Christ, was sent to us out of the kindness and compassion of the Father. What more could we ever truly ask for? May we trust God as the Almighty Stone Roller and not a stone giver. 

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from 
the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow..."

- James 1:17

Where are you tempted to see snakes and stones in your life?

What are the good gifts you are trusting God for today?

on sunfish and scary places...

Confession: deep water scares me.

I specifically remember jumping off the side of a boat out at Folsom Lake when I was in high school and swimming frantically back to the boat for fear of what was in the water with me. And I didn't jump back in again. I stayed on the boat, where I thought I was safe and known. Fear does that, it scares us out of the good things. 

This week a large species of sunfish was found off the coast of Portugal. And listen, before you think I am some fish connoisseur, let me assure you I'm not, I just like to keep up with current events, especially ones that are fun and completely unrelated to The White House. Divers discovered this massive sunfish; you can watch the video here. It's amazing to think about how there are fish we have never seen down in those deep waters; big fish and small fish, glow-in-the-dark fish and black fish, ugly fish and beautiful fish. Just because we can't see them, doesn't mean they aren't there. 

I can't help but think about how my heart kind of feels like that deep, dark water sometimes. There are places where I am willing to go and places where I am scared of diving in for fear of what might be there. Proverbs 20:5 says that "a purpose in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out..." This verse has been an anthem of prayer over the past few weeks. A man of understanding is willing to dive into the depths of his own heart, to seek wisdom and self-awareness, to see what might be living down in the deep. I want that for myself.
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                                                                "A man of understanding is willing to dive into the depths of his own heart..."

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Now more than ever, I'm experiencing the vastness of my own heart. The waters are deep and the waves are tumultuous, and at times, completely overwhelming. There are feelings and thoughts and prayers that are completely new territory, and I feel like a diver discovering new fish; some are scary, some are beautiful, some are ugly. But the deeper I dive and the darker it becomes, the more opportunity I have to reach those places with light and truth. There are deep places of hope, insecurity, desire, grief, and brokenness. That's a lot to discover, a lot of tension to live in.

Some days, I am tempted to stay in the shallow areas and I am sure you are too, where we can see clearly, where we don't have to do any hard work, where we can wade around in clear, crystal, seemingly perfect moments. Shallow water allows us to see with ease, but there is something beautiful about the depths; they can be scary and at times hurt like hell, but the beauty of discovering God in those places... it's worth it. We discover Jesus as the Sustainer, the Comforter, the Great Planner and Protector, as the Great Foundation, the Grace-Giver, and the Quick-to-Compassion God. We discover that we're extremely complex, full of feelings and experiences and tensions. We discover that God is God, we are human, and that's how it should be. We discover that it's okay to feel simultaneously, to grieve and to celebrate.

May we not be too scared to miss out on the scary-good things at the bottom of our hearts. I don't want fear to be the boss of me and scare me out of the the heart work, out of the good places, like it did that day on the lake. I want to dive deep and discover both the ugly and the beautiful, so that Jesus may have His way within me.

on the lines of hope...

Ever since we were kids, we were taught to "color inside the lines".

This never bugged me. I loved lines. I still love lines. In a weird way, they give me freedom, they tell me where I can go, they tell me where I am safe. Throughout the past month, the theme of these lines has been popping up. Lines and lines and lines...

"The Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; you support my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places, indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me..." 

- Psalm 16: 5-6 (NASB)

"The lines of purpose in your lives never grow slack, tightly tied as

they are to your future in Heaven, kept taught by hope..." 

- Colossians 1:5 (MSG)

The lines have fallen in pleasant places because they are tied and taut by hope; they are beautiful and not reckless. God is not a reckless Sovereign, He knows what He is doing and He knows what we need. Sometimes, it's hard to see the lines as good; maybe the lines fell and you ended a relationship or friendship, or cancer snuck in, or you lost a job, or you are going through the treacherous "post-grad" period, or death happened. But even in our discomfort, we are safe. The lines are painful and confusing and grey, but we know the God who put them there and His intent is not to harm us or confuse us, it is to draw us closer to Him, to use the boundary lines to bind us to Him. The lines are placed as an act of love and grace; sin must be kept out, holiness must be kept in. We continue to hope in the God of our circumstances, not in our circumstances. 
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"...the lines are painful and confusing and grey, but we know the God 

who put them there and His intent is not to harm us or confuse us..."

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As I think about my life, where the lines have fallen, I am grateful that the Lord loves us enough to step in. He protects us from the good to reserve us for the godly. Friends, this is a truth that I have been needing to preach to myself daily. I want to be a woman who embraces the seasons and the lines that are provided for me, not resisting them or doubting them. I want a heart that rests within the boundaries, a heart that dwells in peace inside the lines, having no desire to jump outside of them. I want to color inside the spaces that the Lord has placed before me, filling them with vibrant color and beauty. I want to trust that His boundaries for me are greater than the boundaries I have for myself, that His ways are truly higher than mine.
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"...a heart that dwells in peace inside the lines 

has no desire to jump outside of them..."

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I don't know where you are today, what boundaries you're living in or trying to resist, but today, rest knowing that God is aware of your heart and needs, He is fighting for you, protecting you, pursuing you. Lean into the lines that He has placed for your life, because in that, you will find Him and He will meet you there, He will meet us there.

on the capacity for love (and donuts)...

It has taken me a long time to stand where I am standing, in this place where I am "okay" with Valentines Day. More so, I even kind of like it love it. I am not rolling my eyes at the many social media postings of dating/engaged/married friends, lamenting over the date-less night I have ahead of me, or even joining in on the "Singleness Awareness Day" bandwagon. No no, this year is a little bit different.

Valentines Day has always been a little somber for me, a reminder of the lack of love in my life. This year, by God's grace, I see it as a celebration of all the love I have received and been honored to give to friends and family. Call it wisdom, call it age, call it whatever you want, but God has slowly and tenderly been reminding me how much I am loved and how much I am able to love people. And the craziest thing? It has not been through a romantic relationship! I have never felt more loved than by my community, by the men and women in my life who love me in the smallest, most non-romantic ways. When I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved.
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"...when I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am 

given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved..."

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To celebrate love ONLY in the context of a romantic relationship is missing the whole point of what love truly is; love is an extension of Christ, the One who gave His life in replacement of ours, and to only reserve it for a romantic relationship? Well, that's cheating and cheapening the love of our Savior. To only reserve love for a romantic relationship, to essentially one person, is to cheat and cheapen the work of the Cross. We must allow God to expand and redefine our definition of love so that it includes our friends, our families, and our special someones. Love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love.
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"...love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love...."

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We have the capacity to love only because we have been loved by Christ; He shows us how and who to love (which, by the way, is unconditional and all inclusive). Whether I am single or married, divorced or widowed, I want to love people. I want to bring them donuts and pray with them and hold them while they cry; I want to love them the way that Christ loves them, which was extravagant and exhausting and self-sacrificing. Being single should not hinder me from loving, but rather give me the freedom to love and be loved by others.

Lord, enlarge our hearts past holidays and circumstances and statuses.
Lord, grant us the capacity to love unconditionally and inclusively.
Lord, enable us to love others without expecting anything in return.
Lord, help us to receive love when others give it to us.
Lord, remind us that love is not a feeling, but a choice.
Lord, expand our capacity to love and be loved by Your people.

So today, love your people, buy the donuts, and be encouraged, 
because Christ has given you the capacity. 

on guards and walls...

Hi, my name is Kristi, and I am a Feeler.

It's hard living life as a Feeler. Being a Feeler means I filter life through my heart, not my head. Being a Feeler means I bear my burdens and the burdens of others in a very serious way. Being a Feeler means I am quick to trust and quick to love; it means discernment and gut instinct over fact and formula. I tend to love people and things when love doesn't make logical sense. My heart carries a lot within it, and by a lot I mean A FREAKING LOT. I like this about myself, I truly do, but sometimes, having a big heart means you need to install big boundaries. Because when you wear your heart on your sleeve, when you love everyone and everything with all you have, you are exposed to a serious amount of pain, rejection, and false hope.
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"...sometimes, having a big heart means you need to install big boundaries..."

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Recently, I can feel myself beginning to install walls around my heart; big, hefty, Home Depot-type walls. The walls are being laid brick by brick, sort of haphazardly and unintentionally. There is no rhyme or reason, there is just construction. Where once there was liberty to hope, there is the beginnings of a hedge. 

The Bible speaks of the heart as both a wellspring and as wicked. In Proverbs 4:23 we are warned to guard our hearts and in Jeremiah 17:9 we are told that we aren't to trust it. A wellspring bent towards wickedness, that's our heart. Wellsprings and wickedness and walls... What do we do with all of that? (Seriously, asking for a friend myself.)

In an effort to try and understand my own heart and my own hopes, I am resting in a place that says guards are healthy and needed. Guards are healthy, walls are not. Guards are meant to keep something safe while walls are meant to close off. A guard allows my heart to be protected, a wall confines my heart to be hidden. In my plight to keep myself safe, sometimes I end up closing myself off completely, and that is not a tendency that I want to cultivate. 

We all want to be safe. We all want to be protected from pain, from embarrassment, from shame, from false hope. Friends, there is nothing worse than a false hope, of this I am absolutely sure. And this is why I want the walls... I want the walls because earthly love does fail. Earthly love disappoints and expects too much, it has too much potential for pain.  But, in the fear of false hope, we cannot lose all hope. While I was listening to the words of Ellie Holcombs "Love Never Fails", my prayer echos her words: "Oh Lord, help me to live like love never fails..."
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"...in the fear of false hope, we cannot lose all hope..."

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I want to live like love never fails, because real love is unfailing. I want to live like love never fails, because love itself offers as a wall of protection. I want to live like love never fails, because I don't want to live like love fails. When we live like love never fails, we love without fear and without expectation and without walls. 

His hope is secure and His love is unfailing, I am praying my heart finds solace and comfort in that place, and that I allow His secure hope and unfailing love to act as guards, protecting me and softening me from the walls I continue to build.

on the standard of sweetness...

"So I have come down to deliver them from the power of the Egyptians, 
and to bring them up from that land to a good and spacious land, 
to a land flowing with milk and honey..." 

- Exodus 3:8

The Old Testament is NOT the place most Christians gravitate toward. We don't really think it's beautiful; it's hard to read, there are a lot of battles and laws and lineage and Jesus hasn't physically shown up yet. The Old Testament is not full of warm, fuzzy feelings. It is not going to give you a big, theological hug. 

In college, I had a professor who instilled within me a love for the Old Testament; for the history, the wrath, the goodness, the story. This is the greatest lesson and gift that I was given as a theology student. He allowed me to see that the Old Testament is absolutely needed and beautiful; because without the wrath, there is no need for love, and without the love, there would be no wrath. We miss that, us Christians, and we miss it hard. This summer I have journeyed through the pages of the Old Testament with a brilliant group of women. Their love for God and His Word completely encourage me. We just finished Genesis not too long ago. We wrestled with the text, asked questions, and began to hide the stories in our hearts. 

We are currently finishing Exodus, the culmination of slavery and freedom. All throughout Exodus, we see the brokenness of slavery and the beauty of the promise of freedom. These pages are meaty and hearty and full of symbolism and story. We do not just read about the chains, but feel the heaviness of the bondage, the deep anticipation and longing to be set free.

The thing that I have been clinging to is the sweetness of the Lord; Yahweh, this great and powerful and wrathful God also establishes Himself as the standard of sweetness. We see this as He provides the way to the land of flowing milk and honey, as He turns the bitter water to sweet water, as He writes the story of redemption in the midst of the wilderness. Honey, thick and gooey and sticky and sweet, a pure reflection of tangible grace.
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"...this great and powerful and wrathful God 
also establishes Himself as the standard of sweetness…"

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The land of flowing milk and honey is referenced four times throughout Exodus. Yahweh reminds them that there hope is coming, that although now they experience the dry and weary land, they will experience a land in the future that is abundant in all good things. Manna is sent from Heaven and, we are told in Exodus 16:5, that it tastes much like the sweetness of honey. Another taste of what is ahead of us; our sweet God is faithful to remind us of what is coming, that we should measure our experiences from the standard of His provision.

And I don't know about you, but I really need to lean in to that space. I need to be washed by the sweetness, to let God drench me with the thick and gooey truth of His goodness. I want my heart to trade in its bitter places for the sweetness of His constant provision and faithfulness. He leads us from our bondage into His blessing, from slavery into sweetness. And you know, sometimes we can't feel it or taste it or see it, but it is coming. The brokenness and bitterness and bondage now will allow us to taste and see that the Lord is sweeter than we could have ever imaged. 

on prayer and feeling forgotten...

Ten minutes.
I sat there for ten minutes, waiting for God to speak. 
It took me ten whole minutes to ask myself what the heck am I doing?

For years, I have been praying the same prayers.  I pray the same prayers because I have not been given an answer, but mostly because I feel the need to remind Him of me. Most of my prayer time is spent trying to remind a God who never forgets. I pray the same things and have the same conversations with Him because I feel like He hasn't heard me. 
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Most of my prayer time is spent trying to remind a God who never forgets...

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So I sat there. I prayed. I cried a little bit. I punched my pillows. I opened my Bible. I shut it. I journaled. I poured myself out. And then I sat there some more. I told Him that I was listening, that I was ready for the answer. I sat in the quiet warmth of my blankets, watching the sun through my window panels, and waited. And after ten minutes, I heard nothing. I heard nothing, I felt nothing. Nothing. And then, I realized, maybe I don't know how to do this. Maybe I don't know how to listen for God. 

But, what does it look like to listen to God? Does it look like sitting in your bed for ten minutes? Or spending a three day retreat up in the mountains? Or having a sudden realization in the middle of your work day? In that moment, I was listening, really listening, and He gave me nothing. No response. Which then makes me feel like He never even heard my heart in the first place. And friends, I expect the "no" always. My heart is familiar with His "no". My heart is familiar with His "yes", of course, but the "no" is much more obvious to my soul. I haven't received that yet. I haven't received the "no". And this whole thing, these ten minutes, led me to the bigger question… When exactly does He speak? When exactly will He answer? Has He forgotten me?

This week I began a small discipleship group with a handful of women at my church. We are all different, so we approach God differently. Monday night, I told them this, that I was feeling unheard, unseen, forgotten, that I have been praying the same general prayer for ten years, and same specific prayer for two years. It was scary to admit, even to some of my close, kindred people, that I felt these things. But, like true sisters, they reminded me that God is a God who sees, who hears, who knows, who remembers. I was reminded that He sings over His children, that He is constantly aware, that He is working all things for His good, that He knows and sees and remembers His children.
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God is always tending to our lives...

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Wherever you are, and wherever I am, today and every day, we can rest assured that despite our ramblings and our mess, God hasn't forgotten us. And this is faith, trusting that God hears and sees and is present and active. His vantage point is greater, and I have to trust that. God is always tending to our lives, always listening, always aware. He hasn't forgotten your 2AM prayers, the ones about wanting a baby or a husband or a job or a healing to take place; He is there when we are on our knees, when we are at end of ourselves, when we are hurting and weary and completely at a loss when it comes to all the things. He hasn't forgotten, that is just not who He is. He is a God of presence and of the present, amen?

on wounds and redemption...

Somewhere down the line, you have been wounded. You have a terrible father or had a terrible relationship; you experienced death of a loved one or of a dream. Your heart took a pretty big beating, with one too many punches, and it ended up in a really scary, broken, bruised place. 

We all have it, the wound. I know what mine is as I write this, you know what yours is as you read these words. Wounds always leave scars. My body is host to many, both physically and emotionally, and I am sure They say that the ugliest scars have the best stories, which can be true, but sometimes the ugliest scars have the simplest stories. Simple, common experiences that are very heavy and painful, because simple does not always means easy. Simplicity can still have a profound impact. 

"I didn't get the job..." Simple, but great.
"She cheated on me..." Simple, but great.
"My parents divorced..." Simple, but great.
"My best friend passed away..." Simple, but great.
"He told me he never really loved me..." Simple, but great.

These experiences lead us to a re-wiring. It leads us to believe lies as a coping mechanism. Suddenly, everything was different... The things you believed about yourself, about people, and maybe even about God completely changed. The wounds begin to whisper into your life, subtly gaining traction, becoming louder and louder. Now, your filter is a little bit skewed and you can't really discern the difference between a lie and a truth. We get confused about who we are and what makes us; we begin to live out of self-given titles and insecurities. We begin to believe that we are not worthy, we are not impressive, we are not strong, we are not beautiful, we are not accepted, we are not wanted. I understand this grey area. Too often, I live out of this place. And our culture does not help us out with this, which is why we MUST lean into the grace of God and the identity given to us as His children. 

Scars are not pretty. They expose the wound that once was, that thing that led to excruciating pain, bleeding, possible stitches, maybe even an actual surgery. They remind us of the fear, the turmoil, the pain. Scars will always be there, but we can choose to see them as evidence of brokenness or evidence of healing. 
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Scars will always be there, but we can choose to 

see them as evidence of brokenness or evidence of healing. 

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And what about healing? Healing takes time, yes, and a huge dose of the Holy Spirit. Healing looks different for everyone. Your healing might look like a night out with your crew, complete with some seriously great pizza, car-dancing, and a Redbox. Your healing might look like sitting in a counselors office every Monday at 5:30PM for two years. Your healing might look like a creating a blog or reading a book or having a coffee date with a mentor. Healing takes time, and only you know how much you will need. Don't rush it, but do be open to it.

Do not let your wounds define you. Do not believe the lies that the wounds will tell you. Do not be afraid to invite people into those wounds. YES THIS IS SCARY. I understand that this is uncomfortable and opens a door for potentially even more damage BUT, this also opens the door for redemption. 

I am thankful for people in my community who have redeemed my wounds, who have replaced my broken images with ones full of love, grace, and truth. I can only pray that I am that for others; that I can be a safe, redemptive place. Maybe I will be the one to redeem someones view of friendship, of a Christian, or of a woman in general. 

We are all wounded, we are all limping away from the process, seeking healing and redemption for the broken, beat up things. May we see our wounds be a part of the story, but not the story. 

So buckle down, choose to believe truth, and dive into the thing that scares you and requires a little bit of risk, because that is the evidence of healing. 

on impatience and perseverance...

One thing that I have learned to be true about Jesus? He is not subtle. When Jesus wants you to do something or learn something, you know. And lately, I know.

At the beginning of this month, I read Annie Downs new book, "Looking for Lovely". I may or may not have finished it in two days and everyone needs it in their personal library. Please go to your local bookstore and pick up a copy right now. She speaks A LOT into the idea of what perseverance looks like in her life, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. She even got a tattoo (which is not happening for me because I am indecisive and hate all kinds of pain). 

This year, I studied through Acts with a group of women at my church. Paul and the early church knew what it meant to persevere in every sense of the word. 

Twenty one days ago, I started Whole 30 and running (again), which, enough said.

For the next few months, my church is making our way through 1 & 2 Thessalonians. This past Sunday, we were encouraged in the way of perseverance. 

Are all these things a coincidence? Absolutely not. Jesus is purposeful and intentional and answering big heart prayers. My theme this year is cultivate, and He is doing just that, building parts of my faith that I didn't really know existed, strengthening parts of it that already do. Perseverance seems grueling and exhausting; the connotation seems negative. We tell people to persevere when they are weak and hurt and amidst a trial, but what about persevering through normal things? Like maybe young motherhood, singleness, a mediocre job, financial problems, the last semester of high school, a transition in ministry, or cleaning your house after a long day of work? Is perseverance only reserved for the hard seasons in life? 

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...underneath the normal is the hum of God doing the unseen, 
and to see that, we must keep going.

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Right now, my life is not hard. My money is spent on normal adult things, morning coffee, and the occasional adventure or new dress. My time is spent with people I love and who make me laugh and remind me of truth. My relationship with God is good and abundant. And still, there is this quiet whisper underneath all of these studies and sermons and seasons... "Keep going." Sometimes we need that for our everyday, run-of-the-mill lives because underneath the normal is the hum of God doing the unseen, and to see that, we must keep going (because I don't know about you, but I want to see that stuff, the stuff that Jesus is working on underneath it all).

Perseverance is good and necessary regardless of your season or status because it's a means of sanctification. He uses it to make us more like Him, to mold us into strong, loving, gracious, truthful people. Because we don't know what the middle of the story holds and we don't know how the story finishes, but we do know the God who does. We persevere because we know Him. 
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The opposite of impatience is not patience, it is perseverance...

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And recently, my heart has been so impatient and full of questions and wonder. I sat in my chair a few weeks ago, letting the truth of Scripture wash over me, contemplating the lives of the early church, and it struck me... The opposite of patience is not impatience, it is perseverance. When I focus on being patient, I feel stuck and trapped, but when I focus on perseverance, I feel hopeful and aware of what God is teaching me. Patience is birthed out of places of frustration, perseverance is birthed out of places of focus. For me, patience is seen as the last straw, almost like a coping mechanism for when my personal desires are not met. Maybe the goal isn't to become patient, but to build up endurance, to persevere. 

God never calls us to begin, He calls us to finish and to finish well, and by His grace that is actually possible. Perseverance is good. For the student turning in their last assignment of the semester, perseverance is good. For the man who is waiting until marriage and fighting the temptation of pornography, perseverance is good. For the woman wanting a husband or babies or grand babies, perseverance is good. For the new mom who is washing milky bottles instead of washing her hair, perseverance is good. For the person who is interviewing for job after job and facing rejection, perseverance is good.

And so, we persevere, I persevere, because He who calls us is faithful and will give us the grace to endure and to finish. 

on grey areas & temper tantrums...

Confession: I have temper tantrums with Jesus.

I think that He is big enough to handle me, so it's what I do, I have it out with God. King David taught me this; when I look at the Psalms, this man was not afraid to tell God about his emotions, and because I serve that same God, I can do the same thing. But this time was a little different... I told Him I rejected His answer because His answer (to me) isn't an answer at all. I have never done that before. It was a little scary, honestly. But, being real with God is scary because it’s real in the most real way.

In one little big area of my life, God is giving me a lot of grey, a lot of maybe and wait, a lot of limbo. And by a lot, I mean A LOT. We don't like when the answers are grey, we want black and white, we want guidance and plans and clarity. For the past week or so, I have been asking God for clarity, to remove the grey and replace it with black. Or white. Or even red. Just something other than grey, please. The grey-maybe-wait-limbo area is NOT comfortable or fun and I have been asking God for a semblance, a shred, a little something. But He keeps giving me more grey. And then, God was faithful to bring me to this piece of writing by Emily Freeman a couple days ago and it completely wrecked me in the best possible way:

"...we’ve developed a bad habit of praying for clarity. We want to know the plan before we agree to it, but we’re beginning to understand that’s not really how You roll. You never promised clarity… You are not a God who offers clear steps. You invited Abraham outside and told him to look up at the stars... You gave Moses a vision of a Promised Land flowing with milk and honey... No, You never promised clarity. But You always gave a hopeful vision. And You always promise presence…."

I read this truth and God reminded me that hope is not contingent on clarity. We have hope regardless of sight or knowledge. We have hope because He is hope. My poor, fickle heart has been striving to find clarity and hope in earthly ways, and it is just plain exhausted. I am the modern day Sarai, wanting to take plans into her own hands.

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...hope is not contingent on clarity...

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I came to God with this exhausted heart, the one that is reeling from sin and strife. I felt like God saw my temper tantrum, met me in it, and said "Child, just because its grey, doesn't mean it's not being worked through or that I don’t have a plan, because I do." I don’t know about you, but I am desperate for those moments with Him, for Him to tell me that He is in control and that I am safe in that place.  

So, where do I go from here? I trust Him. I surrender. I pray. People, please know that it is so much easier said than done. I am not the person who writes those words flippantly; to trust God is hard and weighty and it is different for everyone. I will continue to trust and hope and pray, because He has a plan, and just because I don't know what the plan looks like doesn't mean that it is non-existent. #ouch

What are the hard things you are bringing before God?

Do you feel you can be honest with Him?

How do you remind yourself to hope?

*PS: Read Emily Freeman's full post here!*

on grace expectations...

Have you ever tried to eye-ball a recipe? I am always a little jealous of and perplexed by the men and women on cooking shows (and in life) who can just throw in all the things and out pops this amazing treat with perfectly iced frosting and lavender sprigs. Let me just tell you, measuring cups are a blessing and I use them often because if I did a whole "dash of this" and "a cup or so of that", my treat would end up being a HOT MESS. It's happened before. When I try to use my own measurements, I always fall short. (Except for when I make pancakes, because how could you ruin pancakes with a splash of vanilla and a dash of cinnamon?) I routinely give up on the homemade and take a trip to the local Vons for my favorite Susan Cookies. 
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When I try to use my own measurements, I always fall short...

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Do you ever feel like you just don't measure up? Maybe you feel you don't measure up to a standard that you have created or that the world created. Maybe you feel you don't measure up to a perceived ideal of someone else's expectations. Maybe you feel less-than in all of your ways. There are so many expectations; we live in the tension between too much and not enough. We wonder if we are too loud, quiet, strong, weak, fat, skinny, godly, funny, confident, pretty, and muscle-y. We wonder if we aren't loud, quiet, strong, weak, fat, skinny, godly, funny, confident, pretty, and muscle-y enough. We have these standards that have been imposed on us, expectations that we have cultivated in our own hearts, and we believe the lie that says if we just.

I am always scared that I am not what other people expect me to be; what if I am not funny enough? skinny enough? pretty enough? godly enough? involved enough? I am always scared that I am not what I expect me to be; what if I never get married? have children? write a book? attain my career goals? be a good Christian?

The shackles of expectation and the weight of failure are the heaviest burden, but Jesus says that we should come to Him, for His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Our standards create fear, His create comfort; there is grace in His standards, so how much more should we extend grace to ourselves? What standard are you measuring yourself by? What do you think you will gain? And what if you actually never gain it?

Now hear me when I say this... I am not saying give up, I am saying give grace. So maybe you can't fit into a size two pants, or lift 300 pounds at Crossfit, or have time to make organic baby food from your own garden. Grace says SO WHAT. Grace looks at your lists and standards and comparison and gives them the stink eye. Grace says the yoke is easy and the burden is light. Grace says give grace.

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Don't give up, give grace...

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Let's cling to grace expectations rather than great expectations. What if we cast away the shackles of standards and self-imposed measurements and exhibited grace not just to friends and family, but to ourselves? Because the yoke is easy and the burden is light... Because grace doesn't need to be deeper, it is deeper.

on grape juice & crackers...

There were more empty chairs than usual last night. Empty chairs in the church, full chairs in the slew of restaurants around town.

We took communion on Valentines Day. I don't think I have ever taken communion on Valentines Day before; we sang about God being the Good Father, how it's who He is and how we are loved by Him, and I couldn't help but dwell on the love, the cup, the bread, the secret things.

The cup and the bread, representing the blood and the body that was spilled and broken for me, for you, for humanity in its entirety. The death that brought hope; the death that ushered in salvation and life and faith. My heart pounded as this verse was read, reminding me of my sin, reminding me that I am not in control and that that I am wanting things that do not even belong to me.
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"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that

 are revealed belong to us and to our children forever…" 

- Deuteronomy 29:29

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What are the secret things? What are the things that you think you have the right to know, but God reserves that right only for Himself? Maybe it's the secret of marriage, the secret of babies, the secret of salvation for family members, the secret of healing from sickness, the secret of writing a book or starting a non-profit. Our hearts yearn for knowledge, sometimes we seek the answers to the secret things more than our Savior. The cup, the blood, holds those secret things safely. The bread, the body, was broken in order to give life to those secret things. Just because there are things you haven't yet been given or things that have not yet been revealed to you, doesn't mean that they don't exist or that they are in an unsafe place. The secret things are safe, they are safe. 

I stared into the cup of grape juice and into my hand where the dried, broken piece of cracker lay, and I repented. I asked for forgiveness, not out of shame, but out of thankfulness. The Lord sees my heart, the wickedness and the wanting, but He gives me the cup and the bread, which is deeper still. 

The secret things are in the safest place, the hands of the Good, Good Father. Who am I to think my hands are safer than His? Or that my plans are wiser? My heart was overwhelmed with recognition of my sin; no, I was not knee-deep in the "big" sins, but I was knee-deep in the anxiety of trying to figure it all out, trying to be in control, and that may not be categorized as a "big" sin on the spectrum of American Christianity, but it felt just as heavy and weighty and big. 

So I sat there, asking for repentance, praying for forgiveness of these things. There is a freedom in prayer, because you are reminded of grace and the easy yoke. 

Forgive me for thinking that the secret things are my things.

Forgive me for wanting the secret things more than the Sacred Thing.

Forgive me for doubting that the secret things are safe in Your hands.

Forgive me for thinking that my ways are higher than your ways.

Forgive me for not trusting in Your sovereignty and goodness.

Forgive me for choosing future hopes over my present beauty.

Forgive me for trying to carry the sin that you have already buried in the grave.

Forgive me for not grieving my own sin.

Forgive me for seeking signs and wonders.

Forgive me in your mercy and goodness and grace.

I want to trust God with the secret things, with my sanctification, with the heaviness of my sin. I am walking away from taking a big drink from the cup and a hearty piece of cracker, knowing that God is in control and that He is big and mighty and capable.

Who needs chocolate and flowers when you have grape juice and crackers.