on prayer and feeling forgotten...

Ten minutes.
I sat there for ten minutes, waiting for God to speak. 
It took me ten whole minutes to ask myself what the heck am I doing?

For years, I have been praying the same prayers.  I pray the same prayers because I have not been given an answer, but mostly because I feel the need to remind Him of me. Most of my prayer time is spent trying to remind a God who never forgets. I pray the same things and have the same conversations with Him because I feel like He hasn't heard me. 
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Most of my prayer time is spent trying to remind a God who never forgets...

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So I sat there. I prayed. I cried a little bit. I punched my pillows. I opened my Bible. I shut it. I journaled. I poured myself out. And then I sat there some more. I told Him that I was listening, that I was ready for the answer. I sat in the quiet warmth of my blankets, watching the sun through my window panels, and waited. And after ten minutes, I heard nothing. I heard nothing, I felt nothing. Nothing. And then, I realized, maybe I don't know how to do this. Maybe I don't know how to listen for God. 

But, what does it look like to listen to God? Does it look like sitting in your bed for ten minutes? Or spending a three day retreat up in the mountains? Or having a sudden realization in the middle of your work day? In that moment, I was listening, really listening, and He gave me nothing. No response. Which then makes me feel like He never even heard my heart in the first place. And friends, I expect the "no" always. My heart is familiar with His "no". My heart is familiar with His "yes", of course, but the "no" is much more obvious to my soul. I haven't received that yet. I haven't received the "no". And this whole thing, these ten minutes, led me to the bigger question… When exactly does He speak? When exactly will He answer? Has He forgotten me?

This week I began a small discipleship group with a handful of women at my church. We are all different, so we approach God differently. Monday night, I told them this, that I was feeling unheard, unseen, forgotten, that I have been praying the same general prayer for ten years, and same specific prayer for two years. It was scary to admit, even to some of my close, kindred people, that I felt these things. But, like true sisters, they reminded me that God is a God who sees, who hears, who knows, who remembers. I was reminded that He sings over His children, that He is constantly aware, that He is working all things for His good, that He knows and sees and remembers His children.
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God is always tending to our lives...

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Wherever you are, and wherever I am, today and every day, we can rest assured that despite our ramblings and our mess, God hasn't forgotten us. And this is faith, trusting that God hears and sees and is present and active. His vantage point is greater, and I have to trust that. God is always tending to our lives, always listening, always aware. He hasn't forgotten your 2AM prayers, the ones about wanting a baby or a husband or a job or a healing to take place; He is there when we are on our knees, when we are at end of ourselves, when we are hurting and weary and completely at a loss when it comes to all the things. He hasn't forgotten, that is just not who He is. He is a God of presence and of the present, amen?

on impatience and perseverance...

One thing that I have learned to be true about Jesus? He is not subtle. When Jesus wants you to do something or learn something, you know. And lately, I know.

At the beginning of this month, I read Annie Downs new book, "Looking for Lovely". I may or may not have finished it in two days and everyone needs it in their personal library. Please go to your local bookstore and pick up a copy right now. She speaks A LOT into the idea of what perseverance looks like in her life, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. She even got a tattoo (which is not happening for me because I am indecisive and hate all kinds of pain). 

This year, I studied through Acts with a group of women at my church. Paul and the early church knew what it meant to persevere in every sense of the word. 

Twenty one days ago, I started Whole 30 and running (again), which, enough said.

For the next few months, my church is making our way through 1 & 2 Thessalonians. This past Sunday, we were encouraged in the way of perseverance. 

Are all these things a coincidence? Absolutely not. Jesus is purposeful and intentional and answering big heart prayers. My theme this year is cultivate, and He is doing just that, building parts of my faith that I didn't really know existed, strengthening parts of it that already do. Perseverance seems grueling and exhausting; the connotation seems negative. We tell people to persevere when they are weak and hurt and amidst a trial, but what about persevering through normal things? Like maybe young motherhood, singleness, a mediocre job, financial problems, the last semester of high school, a transition in ministry, or cleaning your house after a long day of work? Is perseverance only reserved for the hard seasons in life? 

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...underneath the normal is the hum of God doing the unseen, 
and to see that, we must keep going.

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Right now, my life is not hard. My money is spent on normal adult things, morning coffee, and the occasional adventure or new dress. My time is spent with people I love and who make me laugh and remind me of truth. My relationship with God is good and abundant. And still, there is this quiet whisper underneath all of these studies and sermons and seasons... "Keep going." Sometimes we need that for our everyday, run-of-the-mill lives because underneath the normal is the hum of God doing the unseen, and to see that, we must keep going (because I don't know about you, but I want to see that stuff, the stuff that Jesus is working on underneath it all).

Perseverance is good and necessary regardless of your season or status because it's a means of sanctification. He uses it to make us more like Him, to mold us into strong, loving, gracious, truthful people. Because we don't know what the middle of the story holds and we don't know how the story finishes, but we do know the God who does. We persevere because we know Him. 
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The opposite of impatience is not patience, it is perseverance...

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And recently, my heart has been so impatient and full of questions and wonder. I sat in my chair a few weeks ago, letting the truth of Scripture wash over me, contemplating the lives of the early church, and it struck me... The opposite of patience is not impatience, it is perseverance. When I focus on being patient, I feel stuck and trapped, but when I focus on perseverance, I feel hopeful and aware of what God is teaching me. Patience is birthed out of places of frustration, perseverance is birthed out of places of focus. For me, patience is seen as the last straw, almost like a coping mechanism for when my personal desires are not met. Maybe the goal isn't to become patient, but to build up endurance, to persevere. 

God never calls us to begin, He calls us to finish and to finish well, and by His grace that is actually possible. Perseverance is good. For the student turning in their last assignment of the semester, perseverance is good. For the man who is waiting until marriage and fighting the temptation of pornography, perseverance is good. For the woman wanting a husband or babies or grand babies, perseverance is good. For the new mom who is washing milky bottles instead of washing her hair, perseverance is good. For the person who is interviewing for job after job and facing rejection, perseverance is good.

And so, we persevere, I persevere, because He who calls us is faithful and will give us the grace to endure and to finish. 

for the love of 2014...

Looking back on 2014, it was the year of Ebola and missing planes and Taylor Swift and the selfie stick.

It was also the year where I started really following the Angels, began struggling with fear and worry, my rib started popping out of place routinely, had my wisdom teeth removed, gained two new roommates, lost 35 pounds, celebrated weddings and babies, mourned losses, took risks, went hydro-biking, read great books, learned leadership under a new boss, began substitute teaching, visited home for the first time in 3 years, got my first credit card, met weekly with a solid mentor, participated in Dressember and bought a couch.

I look back in 2014 and see the fullness of life; the things gained and lost, the joys and the hardships, the encouragement from friends and the hard conversations had, the excitement and the anxiety. FULL, a year that is bursting at the seams, a year that will most definitely bleed into the next.

This year my theme from the Lord was discipline, and holy Moses, was I challenged in that! In every area, mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally… my life was rocked by Christ; the theme came from a verse in Hebrews…

“No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening… its painful! But afterward, there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.” 

(12:11)

Little did I know, learning discipline would teach me the difference between faith and fear, the sovereignty of God, and how to trust and to become less of a control freak with my life and let Jesus take the wheel (thank you for the ever popular reference, Carrie Underwood).

This past year was filled to the brim with hardship and joy, and even though it was at sometimes painful, the Word of the Lord proves right; there is a peaceful harvest to be gleaned as I walk into 2015. I take the harvest of this past year into this next year, remembering all that I have been taught, all that I have been trained in. Am I saying that I have achieved righteous living? Not at all, this sinner has a LONG way to go my friends (and a lot of guilty pleasures to part with a.k.a. The Mindy Project). BUT, I am saying that this year has taught me more of what righteous living looks like, to discipline yourself in the Word, in wise counsel, in time management, in clean living and eating, in budgeting, in my resources.

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… the Word of the Lord proves right; there is a peaceful harvest to be gleaned as I walk into 2015…

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This year, I wrestled with God and walked away limping. My theology drastically changed because of that, in the best ways possible.

Don’t cast 2014 to the wayside, leaving it behind in the dust in light of a new year. Remember all the things He has done for you and through you this past year, because the person He molded during 2014 will be the same person He pulls into 2015.

(But lets leave Ebola in 2015, that thing needs to be left 

behind, for the love of all good things.)