Monday, July 18, 2016

on prayer and feeling forgotten...

Ten minutes.
I sat there for ten minutes, waiting for God to speak. 
It took me ten whole minutes to ask myself what the heck am I doing?

For years, I have been praying the same prayers.  I pray the same prayers because I have not been given an answer, but mostly because I feel the need to remind Him of me. Most of my prayer time is spent trying to remind a God who never forgets. I pray the same things and have the same conversations with Him because I feel like He hasn't heard me. 
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Most of my prayer time is spent trying to remind a God who never forgets...
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So I sat there. I prayed. I cried a little bit. I punched my pillows. I opened my Bible. I shut it. I journaled. I poured myself out. And then I sat there some more. I told Him that I was listening, that I was ready for the answer. I sat in the quiet warmth of my blankets, watching the sun through my window panels, and waited. And after ten minutes, I heard nothing. I heard nothing, I felt nothing. Nothing. And then, I realized, maybe I don't know how to do this. Maybe I don't know how to listen for God. 

But, what does it look like to listen to God? Does it look like sitting in your bed for ten minutes? Or spending a three day retreat up in the mountains? Or having a sudden realization in the middle of your work day? In that moment, I was listening, really listening, and He gave me nothing. No response. Which then makes me feel like He never even heard my heart in the first place. And friends, I expect the "no" always. My heart is familiar with His "no". My heart is familiar with His "yes", of course, but the "no" is much more obvious to my soul. I haven't received that yet. I haven't received the "no". And this whole thing, these ten minutes, led me to the bigger question… When exactly does He speak? When exactly will He answer? Has He forgotten me?

This week I began a small discipleship group with a handful of women at my church. We are all different, so we approach God differently. Monday night, I told them this, that I was feeling unheard, unseen, forgotten, that I have been praying the same general prayer for ten years, and same specific prayer for two years. It was scary to admit, even to some of my close, kindred people, that I felt these things. But, like true sisters, they reminded me that God is a God who sees, who hears, who knows, who remembersI was reminded that He sings over His children, that He is constantly aware, that He is working all things for His good, that He knows and sees and remembers His children.
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God is always tending to our lives...
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Wherever you are, and wherever I am, today and every day, we can rest assured that despite our ramblings and our mess, God hasn't forgotten us. And this is faith, trusting that God hears and sees and is present and active. His vantage point is greater, and I have to trust that. God is always tending to our lives, always listening, always aware. He hasn't forgotten your 2AM prayers, the ones about wanting a baby or a husband or a job or a healing to take place; He is there when we are on our knees, when we are at end of ourselves, when we are hurting and weary and completely at a loss when it comes to all the things. He hasn't forgotten, that is just not who He is. He is a God of presence and of the present, amen?

Thursday, June 23, 2016

on wounds and redemption...

Somewhere down the line, you have been wounded. You have a terrible father or had a terrible relationship; you experienced death of a loved one or of a dream. Your heart took a pretty big beating, with one too many punches, and it ended up in a really scary, broken, bruised place. 

We all have it, the wound. I know what mine is as I write this, you know what yours is as you read these words. Wounds always leave scars. My body is host to many, both physically and emotionally, and I am sure They say that the ugliest scars have the best stories, which can be true, but sometimes the ugliest scars have the simplest stories. Simple, common experiences that are very heavy and painful, because simple does not always means easy. Simplicity can still have a profound impact. 

"I didn't get the job..." Simple, but great.
"She cheated on me..." Simple, but great.
"My parents divorced..." Simple, but great.
"My best friend passed away..." Simple, but great.
"He told me he never really loved me..." Simple, but great.

These experiences lead us to a re-wiring. It leads us to believe lies as a coping mechanism. Suddenly, everything was different... The things you believed about yourself, about people, and maybe even about God completely changed. The wounds begin to whisper into your life, subtly gaining traction, becoming louder and louder. Now, your filter is a little bit skewed and you can't really discern the difference between a lie and a truth. We get confused about who we are and what makes us; we begin to live out of self-given titles and insecurities. We begin to believe that we are not worthy, we are not impressive, we are not strong, we are not beautiful, we are not accepted, we are not wanted. I understand this grey area. Too often, I live out of this place. And our culture does not help us out with this, which is why we MUST lean into the grace of God and the identity given to us as His children. 

Scars are not pretty. They expose the wound that once was, that thing that led to excruciating pain, bleeding, possible stitches, maybe even an actual surgery. They remind us of the fear, the turmoil, the pain. Scars will always be there, but we can choose to see them as evidence of brokenness or evidence of healing. 
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Scars will always be there, but we can choose to 
see them as evidence of brokenness or evidence of healing. 
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And what about healing? Healing takes time, yes, and a huge dose of the Holy Spirit. Healing looks different for everyone. Your healing might look like a night out with your crew, complete with some seriously great pizza, car-dancing, and a Redbox. Your healing might look like sitting in a counselors office every Monday at 5:30PM for two years. Your healing might look like a creating a blog or reading a book or having a coffee date with a mentor. Healing takes time, and only you know how much you will need. Don't rush it, but do be open to it.

Do not let your wounds define you. Do not believe the lies that the wounds will tell you. Do not be afraid to invite people into those wounds. YES THIS IS SCARY. I understand that this is uncomfortable and opens a door for potentially even more damage BUT, this also opens the door for redemption. 

I am thankful for people in my community who have redeemed my wounds, who have replaced my broken images with ones full of love, grace, and truth. I can only pray that I am that for others; that I can be a safe, redemptive place. Maybe I will be the one to redeem someones view of friendship, of a Christian, or of a woman in general. 

We are all wounded, we are all limping away from the process, seeking healing and redemption for the broken, beat up things. May we see our wounds be a part of the story, but not the story. 

So buckle down, choose to believe truth, and dive into the thing that scares you and requires a little bit of risk, because that is the evidence of healing. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, I would be drinking iced coffee with coconut milk and agave. We would sit at a hole in the wall coffee shop around the corner from my apartment that has string lights and chalkboard signs and the cutest everything.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you about my car accident.

If we were on a coffee date, maybe we would talk about my Whole 25 (not 30, oops) journey and how I am actually teaching my body to love running. This is weird, like, I actually look forward to putting on my workout things, heading to the orange groves, and pushing myself to run. My body is starting to crave this and it is kind of awesome.

If we were on a coffee date, you would tell me about your marriage, your children, your plans for the summer, your heart and where it's at with the Lord right now.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you about how God is faithful to keep cultivating things in my life. My personal theme this year has turned into a sort of "fruit of the Spirit" tilling, and I really like being aware of that work. 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about writing and influence and about your voice, my voice. 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about the safety and protection of others. We would talk about how we need to love our people, protect our people, and never apologize for it.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I knocked a few books off of my reading list, but have so many more to go! I also keep adding to the list, so, cheers to that. (Currently, Wild and Free is in my purse!)

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about the women in your life. The young ones, older ones, married ones, single ones, hard-to-love ones, generous ones, life-giving ones. 

If we were on a coffee date, I might introduce you to The Southern Shirt Company. 

If we were on a coffee date, we would walk away feeling refreshed, thankful for each other and for a good, good Father.

If we were on a coffee date, what would you need to talk about today?

Friday, April 29, 2016

on impatience and perseverance...

One thing that I have learned to be true about Jesus? He is not subtle. When Jesus wants you to do something or learn something, you know. And lately, I know.
At the beginning of this month, I read Annie Downs new book, "Looking for Lovely". I may or may not have finished it in two days and everyone needs it in their personal library. Please go to your local bookstore and pick up a copy right now. She speaks A LOT into the idea of what perseverance looks like in her life, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. She even got a tattoo (which is not happening for me because I am indecisive and hate all kinds of pain). 

This year, I studied through Acts with a group of women at my church. Paul and the early church knew what it meant to persevere in every sense of the word. 

Twenty one days ago, I started Whole 30 and running (again), which, enough said.

For the next few months, my church is making our way through 1 & 2 Thessalonians. This past Sunday, we were encouraged in the way of perseverance. 

Are all these things a coincidence? Absolutely not. Jesus is purposeful and intentional and answering big heart prayers. My theme this year is cultivate, and He is doing just that, building parts of my faith that I didn't really know existed, strengthening parts of it that already do. Perseverance seems grueling and exhausting; the connotation seems negative. We tell people to persevere when they are weak and hurt and amidst a trial, but what about persevering through normal things? Like maybe young motherhood, singleness, a mediocre job, financial problems, the last semester of high school, a transition in ministry, or cleaning your house after a long day of work? Is perseverance only reserved for the hard seasons in life? 
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...underneath the normal is the hum of God doing the unseen, 
and to see that, we must keep going.
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Right now, my life is not hard. My money is spent on normal adult things, morning coffee, and the occasional adventure or new dress. My time is spent with people I love and who make me laugh and remind me of truth. My relationship with God is good and abundant. And still, there is this quiet whisper underneath all of these studies and sermons and seasons... "Keep going." Sometimes we need that for our everyday, run-of-the-mill lives because underneath the normal is the hum of God doing the unseen, and to see that, we must keep going (because I don't know about you, but I want to see that stuff, the stuff that Jesus is working on underneath it all).

Perseverance is good and necessary regardless of your season or status because it's a means of sanctification. He uses it to make us more like Him, to mold us into strong, loving, gracious, truthful people. Because we don't know what the middle of the story holds and we don't know how the story finishes, but we do know the God who does. We persevere because we know Him. 
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The opposite of impatience is not patience, it is perseverance...
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And recently, my heart has been so impatient and full of questions and wonder. I sat in my chair a few weeks ago, letting the truth of Scripture wash over me, contemplating the lives of the early church, and it struck me... The opposite of patience is not impatience, it is perseverance. When I focus on being patient, I feel stuck and trapped, but when I focus on perseverance, I feel hopeful and aware of what God is teaching me. Patience is birthed out of places of frustration, perseverance is birthed out of places of focus. For me, patience is seen as the last straw, almost like a coping mechanism for when my personal desires are not met. Maybe the goal isn't to become patient, but to build up endurance, to persevere. 

God never calls us to begin, He calls us to finish and to finish well, and by His grace that is actually possible. Perseverance is good. For the student turning in their last assignment of the semester, perseverance is good. For the man who is waiting until marriage and fighting the temptation of pornography, perseverance is good. For the woman wanting a husband or babies or grand babies, perseverance is good. For the new mom who is washing milky bottles instead of washing her hair, perseverance is good. For the person who is interviewing for job after job and facing rejection, perseverance is good.

And so, we persevere, I persevere, because He who calls us is faithful and will give us the grace to endure and to finish. 

Monday, April 11, 2016

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, it would probably look more like big cups of vanilla almond milk and a plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about influence and impact. This weekend, I was reminded of the weight of shepherding the hearts of and showing my high school girls Jesus. It's a good weight, but a weight nonetheless. Who are you shepherding? Who are you showing Jesus to?

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you about the hard places that my heart has been in the past couple weeks. The prayers that are being prayed are new, and not just new for the situation, but new to my whole 26 year old life. It's a little scary, but God is in control and is in the business of being sovereign (unlike us).

If we were on a coffee date, I would gush about Paul E. Miller's "A Praying Life". This book has changed my theology of prayer in all the good ways. I would ask you about your prayer life... How do you pray? What are you praying for? What are you afraid to seek God about?

If we were on a coffee date, I would also gush about "Looking For Lovely" by Annie Downs. Y'all, I bought this book Saturday morning and I was finished by Sunday night. Her writing just gets me, and the best part? IT FEELS LIKE A COFFEE DATE. If you want to borrow it, just let me know, but you should probably buy your own copy because you will want to highlight all the things and write little notes in the margins. 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about "Fixer Upper: Season 2". That coffee shop couple? HOLY MOSES THEY ARE PRECIOUS. Joanna and Chip, can you a.) make me a house and b.) be my best friends? 

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you to read "When Nothing is New" by Greer Oharah. Everything she says here is so good and needed, especially in a culture that expects, creates, and yearns for constant movement and mountain-top experiences. "We find depth when we walk along the same path everyday." YES. SO GOOD.  

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about money and how I am really trying to be a responsible adult with my tax refund, loans, etc. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that Scrivener is hands down the most brilliant software to ever happen to my life. It is built for writers and is so dang simple. I actually got really emotional about it. Does that make me a nerdy girl now? 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about my relationship with my dad. We would talk about the new hope that I have, that maybe the path to redemption is near. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that my heart is longing for the summer. For those of you who know my inner most being, you know that summer is not my jam, so this is new for me. My heart is craving the beach, a good book, a big acai bowl/balboa bar, and bonfires. Really, I am just so excited for summer adventures. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you how you are doing, what you are reading, and are you just as obsessed with Joanna Gaines as much as I am? (Honestly, I may need an intervention.)