on the "liked" and the "liker"...

We all know them. Maybe we are them. The selfie girls. 

The ones who post photos of themselves with a smile and a Bible verse or a fun caption about summer or Netflix or tacos. The photos are well-angled, well-filtered, well-timed. Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love social media. I am Instagram and Twitter's best friends. I love being able to see the lives of friends in other countries, of being able to share the Gospel in a caption, and to have a place to remind myself of life highlights. BUT, yesterday, my social media scrolling hit an all time low. I definitely had a log versus speck moment (Matthew 7 for reference).

I scrolled through, and there it was, THE selfie. I sat there, looking at this girl and I instantly was filled with rage, comparison, jealousy. My heart became anxious and I started wondering if people liked her more than me, if I was less attractive than her, if she was going to get the boy, if I need to start posting selfies in order to remind people that I am here and I am beautiful. HELLO, LOOK AT ME AND LIKE ME. Sure, maybe girls (and boys too!) post things out of insecurity, wanting to be reminded that they are beautiful and loved, wanting an instant gratification of self, and maybe they don't. We can assume and judge and criticize all we want, but I realized something in that other girls' selfie... It revealed my insecurity. I don't need to post a photo of myself in order for the Enemy to make me question my worth, all I need to do is watch others post theirs. Friends, the Enemy is sneaky and manipulative, he turns beauty into something to be jealous of and simultaneously ashamed of; he has been doing it since The Garden.

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"...I realized something in that other girls' selfie... It revealed my insecurity..."

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One thing that I know to be true is that whether you are the "liked" or the "liker", social media can become a breeding ground for insecurity. We begin to question our beauty, our strength, our quality of life, our identity. If not put in it's proper place, social media can deteriorate the innate and inherent worth of our souls. No matter what side we are one, the "liked" or the "liker", we are all searching for affirmation. We are all asking the same questions... Am I beautiful? Am I enough? Am I worthy of attention? Am I liked?

Our identity is NOT measured by an app on our phone.

Our identity is NOT completed or found in a single good photo.

Our identity is NOT compromised when she looks better than we do.

Our identity is NOT measured by the amount of "likes" and "YOU CUTE" comments.

My identity, OUR identity, is found in Jesus Christ, the one whose image we bear. We are each made in such a way that reflects Christ's uniquely physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Instagram cannot fully express or affirm who we are in Christ. Whether you are the "liked" or the "liker", may you measure yourself ONLY by Jesus and His words about you, those are truly the only ones that matter.

How are you clinging to His words versus the affirmations of this world?

How are you reminding yourself of your worth in a world that seeks to tear it down?

on snakes and good gifts...

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven given what is good to those who ask Him!"

- Matthew 7: 7-11

When I think of gifts, I do NOT think of stones and snakes. I think of Christmas and birthdays and hand written notes and surprise coffees on my desk (which are always and forever welcomed). It comforts me to know that even in our sinful humanity, we know how to practice the art of gift-giving; we know what would bless our friends and family. I am comforted in the idea that as much as my earthly community seeks to give, the Father desires to give abundantly MORE. 

Matthew 7 is quickly becoming one of my favorite portions of Scripture. It is a portion that reminds us to trust in His character and not in our circumstances. When we come to our Father as children, asking for the desires of our hearts, the deep and heavy things, God does not desire to trick us. He is not scheming and plotting against us, figuring out clever ways to confuse us or hurt us. He does not ignore or forsake or forget, He does not withhold any good thing, He does not give us stones or snakes. He will hear His children and give to them according to His kindness and His will, and when He doesn't give us our specific desires, He gives us Himself, the greatest gift of all. He does not give us stones, because He is the one who rolled the stone away. He does not give us snakes, because He trampled The Snake with His heel. His desire has always been to gift Himself to us, through joy and trial. 
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"He does not give us stones, because He is the one who rolled the stone away. 
He does not give us snakes, because He trampled The Snake with His heel..."

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We all have times where we pray for a good thing and think we have received a snake. Trust me, I have SO been in that place! We think that He is withholding from us, when in reality, He is blessing us with the gift of His sovereignty and protection. When I look at the past, how God has been so faithful to give, protect, and save, why would I ever think He would toss me a stone or a snake? Our God is good and He extends goodness to us always. We have to remember who He is when those snake-like lies slither into our hearts. Every good and perfect gift is from above, and the most good and only perfect gift, Jesus Christ, was sent to us out of the kindness and compassion of the Father. What more could we ever truly ask for? May we trust God as the Almighty Stone Roller and not a stone giver. 

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from 
the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow..."

- James 1:17

Where are you tempted to see snakes and stones in your life?

What are the good gifts you are trusting God for today?

on sunfish and scary places...

Confession: deep water scares me.

I specifically remember jumping off the side of a boat out at Folsom Lake when I was in high school and swimming frantically back to the boat for fear of what was in the water with me. And I didn't jump back in again. I stayed on the boat, where I thought I was safe and known. Fear does that, it scares us out of the good things. 

This week a large species of sunfish was found off the coast of Portugal. And listen, before you think I am some fish connoisseur, let me assure you I'm not, I just like to keep up with current events, especially ones that are fun and completely unrelated to The White House. Divers discovered this massive sunfish; you can watch the video here. It's amazing to think about how there are fish we have never seen down in those deep waters; big fish and small fish, glow-in-the-dark fish and black fish, ugly fish and beautiful fish. Just because we can't see them, doesn't mean they aren't there. 

I can't help but think about how my heart kind of feels like that deep, dark water sometimes. There are places where I am willing to go and places where I am scared of diving in for fear of what might be there. Proverbs 20:5 says that "a purpose in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out..." This verse has been an anthem of prayer over the past few weeks. A man of understanding is willing to dive into the depths of his own heart, to seek wisdom and self-awareness, to see what might be living down in the deep. I want that for myself.
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                                                                "A man of understanding is willing to dive into the depths of his own heart..."

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Now more than ever, I'm experiencing the vastness of my own heart. The waters are deep and the waves are tumultuous, and at times, completely overwhelming. There are feelings and thoughts and prayers that are completely new territory, and I feel like a diver discovering new fish; some are scary, some are beautiful, some are ugly. But the deeper I dive and the darker it becomes, the more opportunity I have to reach those places with light and truth. There are deep places of hope, insecurity, desire, grief, and brokenness. That's a lot to discover, a lot of tension to live in.

Some days, I am tempted to stay in the shallow areas and I am sure you are too, where we can see clearly, where we don't have to do any hard work, where we can wade around in clear, crystal, seemingly perfect moments. Shallow water allows us to see with ease, but there is something beautiful about the depths; they can be scary and at times hurt like hell, but the beauty of discovering God in those places... it's worth it. We discover Jesus as the Sustainer, the Comforter, the Great Planner and Protector, as the Great Foundation, the Grace-Giver, and the Quick-to-Compassion God. We discover that we're extremely complex, full of feelings and experiences and tensions. We discover that God is God, we are human, and that's how it should be. We discover that it's okay to feel simultaneously, to grieve and to celebrate.

May we not be too scared to miss out on the scary-good things at the bottom of our hearts. I don't want fear to be the boss of me and scare me out of the the heart work, out of the good places, like it did that day on the lake. I want to dive deep and discover both the ugly and the beautiful, so that Jesus may have His way within me.

on the standard of sweetness...

"So I have come down to deliver them from the power of the Egyptians, 
and to bring them up from that land to a good and spacious land, 
to a land flowing with milk and honey..." 

- Exodus 3:8

The Old Testament is NOT the place most Christians gravitate toward. We don't really think it's beautiful; it's hard to read, there are a lot of battles and laws and lineage and Jesus hasn't physically shown up yet. The Old Testament is not full of warm, fuzzy feelings. It is not going to give you a big, theological hug. 

In college, I had a professor who instilled within me a love for the Old Testament; for the history, the wrath, the goodness, the story. This is the greatest lesson and gift that I was given as a theology student. He allowed me to see that the Old Testament is absolutely needed and beautiful; because without the wrath, there is no need for love, and without the love, there would be no wrath. We miss that, us Christians, and we miss it hard. This summer I have journeyed through the pages of the Old Testament with a brilliant group of women. Their love for God and His Word completely encourage me. We just finished Genesis not too long ago. We wrestled with the text, asked questions, and began to hide the stories in our hearts. 

We are currently finishing Exodus, the culmination of slavery and freedom. All throughout Exodus, we see the brokenness of slavery and the beauty of the promise of freedom. These pages are meaty and hearty and full of symbolism and story. We do not just read about the chains, but feel the heaviness of the bondage, the deep anticipation and longing to be set free.

The thing that I have been clinging to is the sweetness of the Lord; Yahweh, this great and powerful and wrathful God also establishes Himself as the standard of sweetness. We see this as He provides the way to the land of flowing milk and honey, as He turns the bitter water to sweet water, as He writes the story of redemption in the midst of the wilderness. Honey, thick and gooey and sticky and sweet, a pure reflection of tangible grace.
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"...this great and powerful and wrathful God 
also establishes Himself as the standard of sweetness…"

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The land of flowing milk and honey is referenced four times throughout Exodus. Yahweh reminds them that there hope is coming, that although now they experience the dry and weary land, they will experience a land in the future that is abundant in all good things. Manna is sent from Heaven and, we are told in Exodus 16:5, that it tastes much like the sweetness of honey. Another taste of what is ahead of us; our sweet God is faithful to remind us of what is coming, that we should measure our experiences from the standard of His provision.

And I don't know about you, but I really need to lean in to that space. I need to be washed by the sweetness, to let God drench me with the thick and gooey truth of His goodness. I want my heart to trade in its bitter places for the sweetness of His constant provision and faithfulness. He leads us from our bondage into His blessing, from slavery into sweetness. And you know, sometimes we can't feel it or taste it or see it, but it is coming. The brokenness and bitterness and bondage now will allow us to taste and see that the Lord is sweeter than we could have ever imaged. 

on prayer and feeling forgotten...

Ten minutes.
I sat there for ten minutes, waiting for God to speak. 
It took me ten whole minutes to ask myself what the heck am I doing?

For years, I have been praying the same prayers.  I pray the same prayers because I have not been given an answer, but mostly because I feel the need to remind Him of me. Most of my prayer time is spent trying to remind a God who never forgets. I pray the same things and have the same conversations with Him because I feel like He hasn't heard me. 
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Most of my prayer time is spent trying to remind a God who never forgets...

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So I sat there. I prayed. I cried a little bit. I punched my pillows. I opened my Bible. I shut it. I journaled. I poured myself out. And then I sat there some more. I told Him that I was listening, that I was ready for the answer. I sat in the quiet warmth of my blankets, watching the sun through my window panels, and waited. And after ten minutes, I heard nothing. I heard nothing, I felt nothing. Nothing. And then, I realized, maybe I don't know how to do this. Maybe I don't know how to listen for God. 

But, what does it look like to listen to God? Does it look like sitting in your bed for ten minutes? Or spending a three day retreat up in the mountains? Or having a sudden realization in the middle of your work day? In that moment, I was listening, really listening, and He gave me nothing. No response. Which then makes me feel like He never even heard my heart in the first place. And friends, I expect the "no" always. My heart is familiar with His "no". My heart is familiar with His "yes", of course, but the "no" is much more obvious to my soul. I haven't received that yet. I haven't received the "no". And this whole thing, these ten minutes, led me to the bigger question… When exactly does He speak? When exactly will He answer? Has He forgotten me?

This week I began a small discipleship group with a handful of women at my church. We are all different, so we approach God differently. Monday night, I told them this, that I was feeling unheard, unseen, forgotten, that I have been praying the same general prayer for ten years, and same specific prayer for two years. It was scary to admit, even to some of my close, kindred people, that I felt these things. But, like true sisters, they reminded me that God is a God who sees, who hears, who knows, who remembers. I was reminded that He sings over His children, that He is constantly aware, that He is working all things for His good, that He knows and sees and remembers His children.
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God is always tending to our lives...

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Wherever you are, and wherever I am, today and every day, we can rest assured that despite our ramblings and our mess, God hasn't forgotten us. And this is faith, trusting that God hears and sees and is present and active. His vantage point is greater, and I have to trust that. God is always tending to our lives, always listening, always aware. He hasn't forgotten your 2AM prayers, the ones about wanting a baby or a husband or a job or a healing to take place; He is there when we are on our knees, when we are at end of ourselves, when we are hurting and weary and completely at a loss when it comes to all the things. He hasn't forgotten, that is just not who He is. He is a God of presence and of the present, amen?

on impatience and perseverance...

One thing that I have learned to be true about Jesus? He is not subtle. When Jesus wants you to do something or learn something, you know. And lately, I know.

At the beginning of this month, I read Annie Downs new book, "Looking for Lovely". I may or may not have finished it in two days and everyone needs it in their personal library. Please go to your local bookstore and pick up a copy right now. She speaks A LOT into the idea of what perseverance looks like in her life, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. She even got a tattoo (which is not happening for me because I am indecisive and hate all kinds of pain). 

This year, I studied through Acts with a group of women at my church. Paul and the early church knew what it meant to persevere in every sense of the word. 

Twenty one days ago, I started Whole 30 and running (again), which, enough said.

For the next few months, my church is making our way through 1 & 2 Thessalonians. This past Sunday, we were encouraged in the way of perseverance. 

Are all these things a coincidence? Absolutely not. Jesus is purposeful and intentional and answering big heart prayers. My theme this year is cultivate, and He is doing just that, building parts of my faith that I didn't really know existed, strengthening parts of it that already do. Perseverance seems grueling and exhausting; the connotation seems negative. We tell people to persevere when they are weak and hurt and amidst a trial, but what about persevering through normal things? Like maybe young motherhood, singleness, a mediocre job, financial problems, the last semester of high school, a transition in ministry, or cleaning your house after a long day of work? Is perseverance only reserved for the hard seasons in life? 

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...underneath the normal is the hum of God doing the unseen, 
and to see that, we must keep going.

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Right now, my life is not hard. My money is spent on normal adult things, morning coffee, and the occasional adventure or new dress. My time is spent with people I love and who make me laugh and remind me of truth. My relationship with God is good and abundant. And still, there is this quiet whisper underneath all of these studies and sermons and seasons... "Keep going." Sometimes we need that for our everyday, run-of-the-mill lives because underneath the normal is the hum of God doing the unseen, and to see that, we must keep going (because I don't know about you, but I want to see that stuff, the stuff that Jesus is working on underneath it all).

Perseverance is good and necessary regardless of your season or status because it's a means of sanctification. He uses it to make us more like Him, to mold us into strong, loving, gracious, truthful people. Because we don't know what the middle of the story holds and we don't know how the story finishes, but we do know the God who does. We persevere because we know Him. 
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The opposite of impatience is not patience, it is perseverance...

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And recently, my heart has been so impatient and full of questions and wonder. I sat in my chair a few weeks ago, letting the truth of Scripture wash over me, contemplating the lives of the early church, and it struck me... The opposite of patience is not impatience, it is perseverance. When I focus on being patient, I feel stuck and trapped, but when I focus on perseverance, I feel hopeful and aware of what God is teaching me. Patience is birthed out of places of frustration, perseverance is birthed out of places of focus. For me, patience is seen as the last straw, almost like a coping mechanism for when my personal desires are not met. Maybe the goal isn't to become patient, but to build up endurance, to persevere. 

God never calls us to begin, He calls us to finish and to finish well, and by His grace that is actually possible. Perseverance is good. For the student turning in their last assignment of the semester, perseverance is good. For the man who is waiting until marriage and fighting the temptation of pornography, perseverance is good. For the woman wanting a husband or babies or grand babies, perseverance is good. For the new mom who is washing milky bottles instead of washing her hair, perseverance is good. For the person who is interviewing for job after job and facing rejection, perseverance is good.

And so, we persevere, I persevere, because He who calls us is faithful and will give us the grace to endure and to finish. 

on llamas, friendship, and South America...

It has been almost a week and a half since I have been back in America, and I think that I am finally back into the swing of things! I finally got around to unpacking, doing two loads of laundry, packaging gifts, and writing this little (big) post!

This trip was my first international, non-mission trip vacation. I learned a lot about who "Kristi the International Traveler" is and about how I approach other countries on my terms. Nothing like a little international travelling to lead you to self-discovery! I went to Ecuador to visit my sweet, kindred friend Tiffany while she works for a study abroad program; she returns to America in May, so I had to make plans to visit fast! Last year, we took a road trip to Big Sur and the the California Coast, and this year I went to Quito, Ecuador... We are thinking March will be a yearly thing for our friendship. I can't wait to see what we do next year! My mind is already brainstorming through so many possibilities!

It was amazing to be able to visit her and see her life there in Quito; her community, how she loves others, her daily grind, and to experience a place that is so close to her heart and so deeply woven into God's story for her life. It's amazing that now, I can even call some of them my friends! Over ten days, we spent our time hiking through local parks, debating on whether I should get a tattoo, getting my hair cut, running around with wild llamas, getting a great tan, eating all the empanadas, drinking all the coffee, and talking about all the things.

I will always remember the empanadas de morocho from La Ronda, the dark chocolate pie and lattes from Lucia's, the not-so-Indian Indian food from a local restaurant, standing in the middle of the world, and the popcorn we ate for two hours while we waited out a thunder and lightning storm on my first day. 

My favorite adventures? The Basillica, The Parque Metropolitano, the Jardin Botanico, and Mitad De Mundo. The Parque Metropolitano is a beautiful park full of beautiful hiking trails, monuments, views of Quito, and WILD LLAMAS. Yes, you read that right. Also, did I break into the little fenced off area to hang out with said llamas? Yes, because when in Ecuador you do as the Ecuadorians do. On my last day, we drove three hours via bus and taxi to spend the day in Mitad De Mundo (The Middle of the World/ The Equator) and to a little jungle city called Mindo. We had lunch at a place called The Dragonfly Inn (just like "Gilmore Girls"!) on the river and ventured to a Mariposeria (Butterfly Garden) where we laid around in hammocks and watched the hummingbirds and butterflies fly around. It was one of the most beautiful, relaxing experiences. Another treat? The Jardin Botanico De Quito! A beautiful garden of greenhouses filled with succulents, hanging plants, tropical flowers, and cacti. We felt like we were walked through the most whimsical fairy neverland.

Here's to Quito and to many more adventures ahead!

PS: What have you been up to? Tell me about it!

on lessons + thankfulness...

It has been a day of good people, good laughs, good food, and remembering a good God. Holidays are hard for me (and a lot of other people), and I am beyond thankful that each year it gets a little bit better, more normal, more lighter. 

Ruth Simons over at GraceLaced wrote an amazing piece on thankfulness today; the truth of her words sank so deep into my heart places.
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"Have you ever considered… every blessing we give thanks for seems to have an equally tender lesson in trust, loss, hope and sanctification as its context? The way of thanks is paved with a million little moments of doubt, fear, or thanklessness, but we often forget that it's so…" 

- Ruth Simons

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The things I am most thankful for this year are the things that have stretched my relationship with God the most; the most precious things have been given to us to continue to prove His faithfulness, His goodness, His sovereignty. From my (new) job, my ministry, my friends who have become family, my singleness (this ebbs and flows, but today I choose to be thankful), and my writing… Growth and stretching has been great in these areas, but they are the things I am most grateful for because they are the places where God has made Himself most evident. Lessons in the hard things are what God leverages to grant us the good things; gratitude is gleaned from the lessons.

I pray that my thankfulness permeates my whole year, not just my one day; I want to be a faithful thanker, walking in light of the blessings I have undeservedly been given always. 

on love as a career...

The last few days, my heart has been restless with the idea of love. Lots of thoughts and lots of tears have greeted me each morning as this idea permeates throughout each piece of me.

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Love is the fullness of God...

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On Sunday, the story of Hosea and Gomer was spoken over our congregation. I love the story of Hosea and Gomer; it’s uncomfortable, gritty, raw, and personal. As a synonym for God and Israel, Hosea and Gomer paint the picture of a relentless, unconditional, overwhelming kind of love. Hosea and God choose Gomer and Israel every single time. There is no wavering. To love someone despite their choices, despite their harlotry, despite them not choosing you, is hard. And that is us as the church, as God’s people; God chooses us and we choose the others. We run hard to other things, and no matter who you are or where you find yourself at this moment in life, we all have a desire to run. We are prone to wander with every sunrise and every sunset.

Hosea and Gomer.

God and Israel.

There is love that came for us.

It is liberally given and left without condition. Love is the fullness of God and the currency of His kingdom, and we are to spend it frivolously on others. There should be no limits, conditions, or boundaries. Who are we to place limits, whether by my own fear or by my apparent standard of who is deserving. And I think that’s huge… Fear. It’s the biggest road block and hindrance not just for us as individuals, but as a corporate, collective people. My fear limits the way that I love; I am too scared to really love, to really risk, to really invite rejection in. I am assuming that you might feel that same way. We want to be the Hosea, but we fear the Gomer.
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My fear limits the way that I love…

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Love begets love. If you love others, it gives them permission, in a sense. When you love others, they believe that they are capable of being loved and capable of loving those around them. And, I think it is powerful to be the person that defines love for another; so many of us walk around with heartache and pain and fear because we have not been loved well by family, friends, etc.

Be interested in people because they are interesting. Ask people to movies and dinners because you want to include them. Take someone to coffee so that their cup and heart might overflow with warmth. Dig deep into people, support them, love them.

Love people relentlessly; it doesn’t matter if you are the first or the last or the friend or the person. Love them. Love them all. This must be my thing, this must be what I am known for; I need to make a career out of loving people well.

Let’s stop being so fearful to love. 

three years & three cheers to CBU...

Big News!

I mentioned in a previous post that my life was about to change, that I had exciting news… And I do! Drum roll please… You are looking at the new Receptionist for University Card Services at California Baptist University! People, this is huge and big and awesome and crazy. And here is a little bit (or a lot bit) of insight into my whole process…

Things that I need to recognize up front:

1. God’s timing is perfect; He is sovereign and good and the fact that I question this makes me the lamest person alive.

2. I am about three years ahead of God in all things. Seriously, I have a pattern.

3. His peace surpasses all things.

Roughly a year ago, I began the interview process for a full-time position at my alma mater, California Baptist University; long story short, it was a year of interviewing, waiting, and praying. Except, I want to give you the long story long because it magnifies God’s sovereignty and is just so good.

I have always wanted to work at CBU; I was told over and over that I would end up being one of those people who would “get stuck” here, and to tell you the truth, that sounded like heaven. CBU was my first home away from home, the place where Teenage Kristi became Adult Kristi. My heart will always be for CBU and for student services, and that desire grew my senior year. I applied vigorously for positions the months before graduation and the months after, thinking that I would work for CBU right out of college… NOPE. That did not work out and I really struggled with that. Naturally, I ended up working for my church with our junior high students and I LOVED IT. Please hear me say that I don’t view that as time wasted, it was just not what I originally planned for. But, my desire to work at CBU was not granted until three years later… Which is apparently my pattern. Seriously. I have noticed that many desires over the course of my life have been planted about three years before they actually come to fruition. Crazy, right? So, long story long…

For a few months last year, I had been applying to various positions within the university. I interviewed for the Financial Aid Department, Graduate Admissions, the School of Education, and a handful more and each led to no avail. I started to question myself and God… Am I not capable? Am I not enough? Is God not capable? Is God not enough? (Seriously, being denied over and over and over will lead you into some crazy wilderness talks with God.) One day, my sweet friend Kelly told me that a new office was hiring and needed a receptionist and that I should apply. I thought about it, prayed about it, and thought why not? (Note: I didn’t seek it out, it completely fell in my lap, which is pretty typical of God… He gives when we least expect it.) I applied that night and received a call the next morning for an interview. After the first interview, a week later I had a phone interview with one of the Deans of Student Services. The next step was to interview with the President. I thought, “This is insane; this came out of left field and it is actually happening! I am interviewing with the President, I am going to work at CBU, GIVE ME A BOX OF TUMS BEFORE I THROW UP.” And then I waited, and waited, and waited some more until I was told the news that pretty much shattered my excitement… CBU entered into a hiring freeze, university wide. I was told that it would be lifted for the Spring semester and that I could be looking at my final interview for December 2014. And then December rolled around, the hiring freeze was not lifted, and I questioned everything. I was told August of 2015. And I doubted. I spent many nights driving and crying and yelling at God. In Riverside, there are orange groves and fields for miles on Victoria Avenue; this is my street. I drive through there with God, windows down, the smell of orange blossoms filling my car, and me talking out life with My Savior. Victoria and I have good memories.

Suddenly, we were in June and I received a call for an interview with the President. I happened to be substituting for a high school art class when I received the call and it took everything within me NOT to just start crying. Luckily, I was in the middle of the prep period and it was totally appropriate for me to answer the phone and start jumping up and down. The following week I interviewed with the President himself, and three days later I was offered the position... 

HALLELUJAH PRAISE GOD I AM CRYING IS THIS REAL LIFE OUCH CHARLIE.

I had three weeks to wrap up three years of youth ministry. Not to mention, my last week employed at my church would be a mission trip! It was the perfect ending to time well spent. We had cake and ice cream, I packed up my desk and my duffle bag and began praying for my transition. My prayer was to finish well, and at times it was very hard, but I think that God honored that prayer.

We came back from our mission trip on Friday and I started my new position Monday. It was crazy, but it was good.

Looking back, the year of waiting was perfect; it was frustrating and confusing, but it was perfect. That year allowed me to finish my time with my 8^th Grade Girls Small Group (and the fact that I now get to move up with them to high school?!?! INSERT A THOUSAND PRAISE HANDS EMOJIS HERE.), to help our new pastor transition into our ministry/church, to begin a journey in counseling, to use my time more liberally (sleeping in, going to Texas, planning a last minute road trip through the Northern Coast, etc.), take some risks and lower my inhibitions, and to settle in to adulthood, kind of. I didn’t know that I needed this past year, but the Lord did, and I really should never question His timing. Proverbs says that we plan all our things but the Lord establishes our steps, and man, am I just so thankful for that. Is it frustrating at times? WELL YES. But, even in the frustration, I am thankful for a God who knows more than I do and has enough love to answer certain prayers with “waits” and “nos”.

So, this past week was my very first week as an official, benefit-receiving, retirement-planning, 8AM – 5PM CBU employee, and it was everything I imagined it to be AND MORE. I was welcomed with open arms, celebrated with balloons, brought in donuts for my staff as we got through (my first) Transfer Student Orientation, and then went out to spend the weekend in San Diego with my best friend. Each day I drive in to work, I am overwhelmed by peace, a peace that I haven’t felt in a long time. The days are full, but rich; I am able to have lunch with past residents and my close friends who work at the university, not to mention Chick-Fil-A is directly across the hall from me (I have told myself that I can only buy lunch there once a week, because health). You guys, it is such a good season and I am so excited to see what God does through this, both in ministry and professionally!

Thank you to every single person who has prayed, encouraged, and loved me through this process. God is faithful and good and sovereign and I still can’t believe that this is real life. I am trying to soak up the blessing of this time and not look for the next season (because as humans, we are really good at not being satisfied, even we are given what we want).

So friends, here’s to three years and three cheers to CBU!  

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I have stopped watching “The Bachelorette”, therefore I will not be blogging about it. My thoughts about this season can be summed up in the following statements: Kaitlyn is making horrible choices, this whole “Nick” thing is the worst, she never has Rose Ceremony’s, and Joshua the Welder is too good for her and needs to leave the show and marry me. Same goes for Kentucky Joe. The end.

If we were on a coffee date, we would inevitable talk about “Jurassic World” and how it made me feel like I was on a ride at Disneyland. That whole movie was QUALITY. And Chris Pratt… Insert heart-eyed emoji here, please.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I am studying through the Women in The Bible over at She Reads Truth, and it is totally rocking me! Revisiting the stories of Leah and Rachel, Sarai and Hagar, and Lot’s Wife have been so good for my soul. It is comforting to know that in all their circumstances, whether they were barren, unfavorable, or impatient, God saw them and knew them and carried them. He does the same for you and me today! What truths have you been reading that have totally rocked your spiritual world lately?

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you some pretty exciting news, like, life-altering news! Stay tuned!

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you some really hard things that I have been processing through. Like, how my view of God directly shapes my view of myself and if I don’t think God is enough, how in the world will I ever think I am enough? Hard things, people, hard things.

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you if God is enough. I would ask you and hope that you would give me the real, raw, honest answer, because sometimes the answer is no, and that’s a place to roll up your sleeves and wrestle in.

If we were on a coffee date, what would you want to talk about? 

all the things: may...

I don’t know about you, but May is kind of like the calm before the storm. And because of that, I have been totally stressed and anxious. I know this because my body has decided to freak out and have sinus problems and rib problems and all the problems. But, despite that, May was fun and full of good things. 

Here are all the things (the important ones, at least) of May!

Parks & Rec: I know I am super late to join this bandwagon, but, LESLIE KNOPE IS THE BEST THING EVER. Seriously, this entire show is amazing and I can’t stop laughing and quoting and watching. Each character has something to add (except for April because I generally don’t like weird, dark characters). Ron Swanson? I want him to take me hunting. Leslie Knope? Let’s chat about life over waffles. Ann Perkins? Take my vitals and tell me I am healthy. Chris Trager? Let’s talk about how literally, everything is the best. Tom Haverford? Let’s blow up Instagram and other various social media outlets with photos of us at the best events around town. Every night, I come home to these people and I love them. (This sounds pathetic, but it’s not, it’s pretty much awesome.)

Porn & Technology by Jeff Bethke: This 10 minute video is SO GOOD. He talks about vulnerability, intimacy, porn, technology, the worth of a woman, and so much more. Please do yourself a favor and watch this.

Baseball: Our season has started! I have already been to Dodgers Stadium for my first game of the year (I am not a Dodgers fan, but how can you say no to a free ticket, good company, and Dodger Dogs? YOU CAN’T). I am already scouring Groupon for some deals on tickets for the summer!

Biblical Singleness by Matt Furby: My old boss/current pastor/basically older brother just spoke on Biblical Singleness at our church and it was literally the best message I have ever heard on singleness. If you are single, or even married, you need to watch this. I sat in his office this past week, pouring my heart out about the struggle and the emotional aspect of singleness, and I am so glad that I did. He even quoted me! “My hope is FOR marriage, not IN marriage.” Yep, Kristi Howell original right there!  

Two Years to Forever: This month marked the end of my two year small group with my junior high girls. I blogged about it here and frankly, I am still processing that they are now in high school. How did that even happen? I am going to be a total wreck when I become a mom and have my own childrens’ transitions to cope with.

My Selfie Stick: First off, the fact that these are called Selfie Stick’s? Lame. They should be called Groupie Sticks, because you only use them with a group. I realized that Summer Camp was in about 50 days, so I celebrated by purchasing a Selfie Stick. Feel free to judge me, but also know that I will get THE BEST camp photos, beach photos, etc. with this thing. I feel like every youth leader should have one of these things, it’s like an unwritten rule.

Iced Coffee: My go to this month has been iced coffee. It is a real addiction and I am okay with it. Is that bad? Probably.  

What are some things that you enjoyed this past month?

What are you looking forward to in the coming summer months?