on snakes and good gifts...

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven given what is good to those who ask Him!"

- Matthew 7: 7-11

When I think of gifts, I do NOT think of stones and snakes. I think of Christmas and birthdays and hand written notes and surprise coffees on my desk (which are always and forever welcomed). It comforts me to know that even in our sinful humanity, we know how to practice the art of gift-giving; we know what would bless our friends and family. I am comforted in the idea that as much as my earthly community seeks to give, the Father desires to give abundantly MORE. 

Matthew 7 is quickly becoming one of my favorite portions of Scripture. It is a portion that reminds us to trust in His character and not in our circumstances. When we come to our Father as children, asking for the desires of our hearts, the deep and heavy things, God does not desire to trick us. He is not scheming and plotting against us, figuring out clever ways to confuse us or hurt us. He does not ignore or forsake or forget, He does not withhold any good thing, He does not give us stones or snakes. He will hear His children and give to them according to His kindness and His will, and when He doesn't give us our specific desires, He gives us Himself, the greatest gift of all. He does not give us stones, because He is the one who rolled the stone away. He does not give us snakes, because He trampled The Snake with His heel. His desire has always been to gift Himself to us, through joy and trial. 
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"He does not give us stones, because He is the one who rolled the stone away. 
He does not give us snakes, because He trampled The Snake with His heel..."

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We all have times where we pray for a good thing and think we have received a snake. Trust me, I have SO been in that place! We think that He is withholding from us, when in reality, He is blessing us with the gift of His sovereignty and protection. When I look at the past, how God has been so faithful to give, protect, and save, why would I ever think He would toss me a stone or a snake? Our God is good and He extends goodness to us always. We have to remember who He is when those snake-like lies slither into our hearts. Every good and perfect gift is from above, and the most good and only perfect gift, Jesus Christ, was sent to us out of the kindness and compassion of the Father. What more could we ever truly ask for? May we trust God as the Almighty Stone Roller and not a stone giver. 

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from 
the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow..."

- James 1:17

Where are you tempted to see snakes and stones in your life?

What are the good gifts you are trusting God for today?

on sunfish and scary places...

Confession: deep water scares me.

I specifically remember jumping off the side of a boat out at Folsom Lake when I was in high school and swimming frantically back to the boat for fear of what was in the water with me. And I didn't jump back in again. I stayed on the boat, where I thought I was safe and known. Fear does that, it scares us out of the good things. 

This week a large species of sunfish was found off the coast of Portugal. And listen, before you think I am some fish connoisseur, let me assure you I'm not, I just like to keep up with current events, especially ones that are fun and completely unrelated to The White House. Divers discovered this massive sunfish; you can watch the video here. It's amazing to think about how there are fish we have never seen down in those deep waters; big fish and small fish, glow-in-the-dark fish and black fish, ugly fish and beautiful fish. Just because we can't see them, doesn't mean they aren't there. 

I can't help but think about how my heart kind of feels like that deep, dark water sometimes. There are places where I am willing to go and places where I am scared of diving in for fear of what might be there. Proverbs 20:5 says that "a purpose in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out..." This verse has been an anthem of prayer over the past few weeks. A man of understanding is willing to dive into the depths of his own heart, to seek wisdom and self-awareness, to see what might be living down in the deep. I want that for myself.
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                                                                "A man of understanding is willing to dive into the depths of his own heart..."

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Now more than ever, I'm experiencing the vastness of my own heart. The waters are deep and the waves are tumultuous, and at times, completely overwhelming. There are feelings and thoughts and prayers that are completely new territory, and I feel like a diver discovering new fish; some are scary, some are beautiful, some are ugly. But the deeper I dive and the darker it becomes, the more opportunity I have to reach those places with light and truth. There are deep places of hope, insecurity, desire, grief, and brokenness. That's a lot to discover, a lot of tension to live in.

Some days, I am tempted to stay in the shallow areas and I am sure you are too, where we can see clearly, where we don't have to do any hard work, where we can wade around in clear, crystal, seemingly perfect moments. Shallow water allows us to see with ease, but there is something beautiful about the depths; they can be scary and at times hurt like hell, but the beauty of discovering God in those places... it's worth it. We discover Jesus as the Sustainer, the Comforter, the Great Planner and Protector, as the Great Foundation, the Grace-Giver, and the Quick-to-Compassion God. We discover that we're extremely complex, full of feelings and experiences and tensions. We discover that God is God, we are human, and that's how it should be. We discover that it's okay to feel simultaneously, to grieve and to celebrate.

May we not be too scared to miss out on the scary-good things at the bottom of our hearts. I don't want fear to be the boss of me and scare me out of the the heart work, out of the good places, like it did that day on the lake. I want to dive deep and discover both the ugly and the beautiful, so that Jesus may have His way within me.

on the capacity for love (and donuts)...

It has taken me a long time to stand where I am standing, in this place where I am "okay" with Valentines Day. More so, I even kind of like it love it. I am not rolling my eyes at the many social media postings of dating/engaged/married friends, lamenting over the date-less night I have ahead of me, or even joining in on the "Singleness Awareness Day" bandwagon. No no, this year is a little bit different.

Valentines Day has always been a little somber for me, a reminder of the lack of love in my life. This year, by God's grace, I see it as a celebration of all the love I have received and been honored to give to friends and family. Call it wisdom, call it age, call it whatever you want, but God has slowly and tenderly been reminding me how much I am loved and how much I am able to love people. And the craziest thing? It has not been through a romantic relationship! I have never felt more loved than by my community, by the men and women in my life who love me in the smallest, most non-romantic ways. When I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved.
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"...when I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am 

given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved..."

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To celebrate love ONLY in the context of a romantic relationship is missing the whole point of what love truly is; love is an extension of Christ, the One who gave His life in replacement of ours, and to only reserve it for a romantic relationship? Well, that's cheating and cheapening the love of our Savior. To only reserve love for a romantic relationship, to essentially one person, is to cheat and cheapen the work of the Cross. We must allow God to expand and redefine our definition of love so that it includes our friends, our families, and our special someones. Love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love.
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"...love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love...."

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We have the capacity to love only because we have been loved by Christ; He shows us how and who to love (which, by the way, is unconditional and all inclusive). Whether I am single or married, divorced or widowed, I want to love people. I want to bring them donuts and pray with them and hold them while they cry; I want to love them the way that Christ loves them, which was extravagant and exhausting and self-sacrificing. Being single should not hinder me from loving, but rather give me the freedom to love and be loved by others.

Lord, enlarge our hearts past holidays and circumstances and statuses.
Lord, grant us the capacity to love unconditionally and inclusively.
Lord, enable us to love others without expecting anything in return.
Lord, help us to receive love when others give it to us.
Lord, remind us that love is not a feeling, but a choice.
Lord, expand our capacity to love and be loved by Your people.

So today, love your people, buy the donuts, and be encouraged, 
because Christ has given you the capacity. 

on the standard of sweetness...

"So I have come down to deliver them from the power of the Egyptians, 
and to bring them up from that land to a good and spacious land, 
to a land flowing with milk and honey..." 

- Exodus 3:8

The Old Testament is NOT the place most Christians gravitate toward. We don't really think it's beautiful; it's hard to read, there are a lot of battles and laws and lineage and Jesus hasn't physically shown up yet. The Old Testament is not full of warm, fuzzy feelings. It is not going to give you a big, theological hug. 

In college, I had a professor who instilled within me a love for the Old Testament; for the history, the wrath, the goodness, the story. This is the greatest lesson and gift that I was given as a theology student. He allowed me to see that the Old Testament is absolutely needed and beautiful; because without the wrath, there is no need for love, and without the love, there would be no wrath. We miss that, us Christians, and we miss it hard. This summer I have journeyed through the pages of the Old Testament with a brilliant group of women. Their love for God and His Word completely encourage me. We just finished Genesis not too long ago. We wrestled with the text, asked questions, and began to hide the stories in our hearts. 

We are currently finishing Exodus, the culmination of slavery and freedom. All throughout Exodus, we see the brokenness of slavery and the beauty of the promise of freedom. These pages are meaty and hearty and full of symbolism and story. We do not just read about the chains, but feel the heaviness of the bondage, the deep anticipation and longing to be set free.

The thing that I have been clinging to is the sweetness of the Lord; Yahweh, this great and powerful and wrathful God also establishes Himself as the standard of sweetness. We see this as He provides the way to the land of flowing milk and honey, as He turns the bitter water to sweet water, as He writes the story of redemption in the midst of the wilderness. Honey, thick and gooey and sticky and sweet, a pure reflection of tangible grace.
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"...this great and powerful and wrathful God 
also establishes Himself as the standard of sweetness…"

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The land of flowing milk and honey is referenced four times throughout Exodus. Yahweh reminds them that there hope is coming, that although now they experience the dry and weary land, they will experience a land in the future that is abundant in all good things. Manna is sent from Heaven and, we are told in Exodus 16:5, that it tastes much like the sweetness of honey. Another taste of what is ahead of us; our sweet God is faithful to remind us of what is coming, that we should measure our experiences from the standard of His provision.

And I don't know about you, but I really need to lean in to that space. I need to be washed by the sweetness, to let God drench me with the thick and gooey truth of His goodness. I want my heart to trade in its bitter places for the sweetness of His constant provision and faithfulness. He leads us from our bondage into His blessing, from slavery into sweetness. And you know, sometimes we can't feel it or taste it or see it, but it is coming. The brokenness and bitterness and bondage now will allow us to taste and see that the Lord is sweeter than we could have ever imaged. 

on prayer and feeling forgotten...

Ten minutes.
I sat there for ten minutes, waiting for God to speak. 
It took me ten whole minutes to ask myself what the heck am I doing?

For years, I have been praying the same prayers.  I pray the same prayers because I have not been given an answer, but mostly because I feel the need to remind Him of me. Most of my prayer time is spent trying to remind a God who never forgets. I pray the same things and have the same conversations with Him because I feel like He hasn't heard me. 
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Most of my prayer time is spent trying to remind a God who never forgets...

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So I sat there. I prayed. I cried a little bit. I punched my pillows. I opened my Bible. I shut it. I journaled. I poured myself out. And then I sat there some more. I told Him that I was listening, that I was ready for the answer. I sat in the quiet warmth of my blankets, watching the sun through my window panels, and waited. And after ten minutes, I heard nothing. I heard nothing, I felt nothing. Nothing. And then, I realized, maybe I don't know how to do this. Maybe I don't know how to listen for God. 

But, what does it look like to listen to God? Does it look like sitting in your bed for ten minutes? Or spending a three day retreat up in the mountains? Or having a sudden realization in the middle of your work day? In that moment, I was listening, really listening, and He gave me nothing. No response. Which then makes me feel like He never even heard my heart in the first place. And friends, I expect the "no" always. My heart is familiar with His "no". My heart is familiar with His "yes", of course, but the "no" is much more obvious to my soul. I haven't received that yet. I haven't received the "no". And this whole thing, these ten minutes, led me to the bigger question… When exactly does He speak? When exactly will He answer? Has He forgotten me?

This week I began a small discipleship group with a handful of women at my church. We are all different, so we approach God differently. Monday night, I told them this, that I was feeling unheard, unseen, forgotten, that I have been praying the same general prayer for ten years, and same specific prayer for two years. It was scary to admit, even to some of my close, kindred people, that I felt these things. But, like true sisters, they reminded me that God is a God who sees, who hears, who knows, who remembers. I was reminded that He sings over His children, that He is constantly aware, that He is working all things for His good, that He knows and sees and remembers His children.
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God is always tending to our lives...

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Wherever you are, and wherever I am, today and every day, we can rest assured that despite our ramblings and our mess, God hasn't forgotten us. And this is faith, trusting that God hears and sees and is present and active. His vantage point is greater, and I have to trust that. God is always tending to our lives, always listening, always aware. He hasn't forgotten your 2AM prayers, the ones about wanting a baby or a husband or a job or a healing to take place; He is there when we are on our knees, when we are at end of ourselves, when we are hurting and weary and completely at a loss when it comes to all the things. He hasn't forgotten, that is just not who He is. He is a God of presence and of the present, amen?

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, it would probably look more like big cups of vanilla almond milk and a plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about influence and impact. This weekend, I was reminded of the weight of shepherding the hearts of and showing my high school girls Jesus. It's a good weight, but a weight nonetheless. Who are you shepherding? Who are you showing Jesus to?

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you about the hard places that my heart has been in the past couple weeks. The prayers that are being prayed are new, and not just new for the situation, but new to my whole 26 year old life. It's a little scary, but God is in control and is in the business of being sovereign (unlike us).

If we were on a coffee date, I would gush about Paul E. Miller's "A Praying Life". This book has changed my theology of prayer in all the good ways. I would ask you about your prayer life... How do you pray? What are you praying for? What are you afraid to seek God about?

If we were on a coffee date, I would also gush about "Looking For Lovely" by Annie Downs. Y'all, I bought this book Saturday morning and I was finished by Sunday night. Her writing just gets me, and the best part? IT FEELS LIKE A COFFEE DATE. If you want to borrow it, just let me know, but you should probably buy your own copy because you will want to highlight all the things and write little notes in the margins. 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about "Fixer Upper: Season 2". That coffee shop couple? HOLY MOSES THEY ARE PRECIOUS. Joanna and Chip, can you a.) make me a house and b.) be my best friends? 

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you to read "When Nothing is New" by Greer Oharah. Everything she says here is so good and needed, especially in a culture that expects, creates, and yearns for constant movement and mountain-top experiences. "We find depth when we walk along the same path everyday." YES. SO GOOD.  

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about money and how I am really trying to be a responsible adult with my tax refund, loans, etc. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that Scrivener is hands down the most brilliant software to ever happen to my life. It is built for writers and is so dang simple. I actually got really emotional about it. Does that make me a nerdy girl now? 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about my relationship with my dad. We would talk about the new hope that I have, that maybe the path to redemption is near. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that my heart is longing for the summer. For those of you who know my inner most being, you know that summer is not my jam, so this is new for me. My heart is craving the beach, a good book, a big acai bowl/balboa bar, and bonfires. Really, I am just so excited for summer adventures. 

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you how you are doing, what you are reading, and are you just as obsessed with Joanna Gaines as much as I am? (Honestly, I may need an intervention.)

on cultivating...

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness…" 

- Psalm 37:3

Themes are a relatively new idea for my walk with the Lord. Before then, I made all the resolutions about all the things (weight, relationships, organization, etc.). In 2014, I focused on the idea of discipline, coming from Hebrews 12:11 and in this past year, I focused on being still, coming from Psalm 46:10. These past two years have been hard and good, growing my understanding of God and myself like WOAH.

Looking ahead to 2016, I have a slew of goals and things to be excited for (like a trip to Ecuador, my second year working at CBU, a bunch of weddings, new and old ministries, and some BIG personal projects!), but I want to be focused on the idea of growth… cultivate.

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Cultivate: to prepare; to use for the raising of crops; to loosen or break up soil; to foster the growth of; to improve by labor, care, or study

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Lately, I feel like the Lord has been loosening a lot of the soil in my heart; and honestly, some of the things that have come from that process have been pretty surprising. The more I experience that, the more I want of that; as those spaces loosen and break up, I find that there is more desire and room for Him, which is everything. The past year I learned what it meant to rest in the Lord, to be still (which is an active state of obedience and choice), and I am praying that God is using this past year as a springboard into this one. 

This year, I want to cultivate; to cultivate something requires work, intention, focus, and that is what I think the Lord has been pressing on my heart. I want this year to be one of growth, of study, of prayer, of action, of labor; I want 2016 to be the year that I decided to put my work pants on and really dive into all that we have access to as a child of God. I don't know about you, but I know that I haven't even been close to tapping into the fullness of the Holy Spirit, of the Word, of my community. I want this to be a year of full journals, empty coffee cups, and highlighted books; a year full of tables, coffee dates, and good, hard conversations; a year of adventure, of faith triumphing over fear, of new things and old things. 

One of my favorite bloggers (who has a book coming out soon and I can't wait to get my hands on it!), Jess Connolly, just wrote a beautiful post titled "This Is Not A Flower Year" and it resonated deep. Jess stated that "this year is not a year of flowers, this is a year of deep roots and growing trees." And you guys, I really love that. Her post is all about being intentional and being aware of the working God is doing (cultivating!) in your life. SO DANG GOOD. 

My prayer is that the Holy Spirit would stir within me, that I would be open to His tilling and sifting. I pray that I would truly learn to dwell in His land and cultivate faithfulness during this year, whatever that may look like. 

What are you focusing on this year?