on the capacity for love (and donuts)...

It has taken me a long time to stand where I am standing, in this place where I am "okay" with Valentines Day. More so, I even kind of like it love it. I am not rolling my eyes at the many social media postings of dating/engaged/married friends, lamenting over the date-less night I have ahead of me, or even joining in on the "Singleness Awareness Day" bandwagon. No no, this year is a little bit different.

Valentines Day has always been a little somber for me, a reminder of the lack of love in my life. This year, by God's grace, I see it as a celebration of all the love I have received and been honored to give to friends and family. Call it wisdom, call it age, call it whatever you want, but God has slowly and tenderly been reminding me how much I am loved and how much I am able to love people. And the craziest thing? It has not been through a romantic relationship! I have never felt more loved than by my community, by the men and women in my life who love me in the smallest, most non-romantic ways. When I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"...when I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am 

given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved..."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

To celebrate love ONLY in the context of a romantic relationship is missing the whole point of what love truly is; love is an extension of Christ, the One who gave His life in replacement of ours, and to only reserve it for a romantic relationship? Well, that's cheating and cheapening the love of our Savior. To only reserve love for a romantic relationship, to essentially one person, is to cheat and cheapen the work of the Cross. We must allow God to expand and redefine our definition of love so that it includes our friends, our families, and our special someones. Love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"...love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love...."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

We have the capacity to love only because we have been loved by Christ; He shows us how and who to love (which, by the way, is unconditional and all inclusive). Whether I am single or married, divorced or widowed, I want to love people. I want to bring them donuts and pray with them and hold them while they cry; I want to love them the way that Christ loves them, which was extravagant and exhausting and self-sacrificing. Being single should not hinder me from loving, but rather give me the freedom to love and be loved by others.

Lord, enlarge our hearts past holidays and circumstances and statuses.
Lord, grant us the capacity to love unconditionally and inclusively.
Lord, enable us to love others without expecting anything in return.
Lord, help us to receive love when others give it to us.
Lord, remind us that love is not a feeling, but a choice.
Lord, expand our capacity to love and be loved by Your people.

So today, love your people, buy the donuts, and be encouraged, 
because Christ has given you the capacity. 

on grape juice & crackers...

There were more empty chairs than usual last night. Empty chairs in the church, full chairs in the slew of restaurants around town.

We took communion on Valentines Day. I don't think I have ever taken communion on Valentines Day before; we sang about God being the Good Father, how it's who He is and how we are loved by Him, and I couldn't help but dwell on the love, the cup, the bread, the secret things.

The cup and the bread, representing the blood and the body that was spilled and broken for me, for you, for humanity in its entirety. The death that brought hope; the death that ushered in salvation and life and faith. My heart pounded as this verse was read, reminding me of my sin, reminding me that I am not in control and that that I am wanting things that do not even belong to me.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that

 are revealed belong to us and to our children forever…" 

- Deuteronomy 29:29

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What are the secret things? What are the things that you think you have the right to know, but God reserves that right only for Himself? Maybe it's the secret of marriage, the secret of babies, the secret of salvation for family members, the secret of healing from sickness, the secret of writing a book or starting a non-profit. Our hearts yearn for knowledge, sometimes we seek the answers to the secret things more than our Savior. The cup, the blood, holds those secret things safely. The bread, the body, was broken in order to give life to those secret things. Just because there are things you haven't yet been given or things that have not yet been revealed to you, doesn't mean that they don't exist or that they are in an unsafe place. The secret things are safe, they are safe. 

I stared into the cup of grape juice and into my hand where the dried, broken piece of cracker lay, and I repented. I asked for forgiveness, not out of shame, but out of thankfulness. The Lord sees my heart, the wickedness and the wanting, but He gives me the cup and the bread, which is deeper still. 

The secret things are in the safest place, the hands of the Good, Good Father. Who am I to think my hands are safer than His? Or that my plans are wiser? My heart was overwhelmed with recognition of my sin; no, I was not knee-deep in the "big" sins, but I was knee-deep in the anxiety of trying to figure it all out, trying to be in control, and that may not be categorized as a "big" sin on the spectrum of American Christianity, but it felt just as heavy and weighty and big. 

So I sat there, asking for repentance, praying for forgiveness of these things. There is a freedom in prayer, because you are reminded of grace and the easy yoke. 

Forgive me for thinking that the secret things are my things.

Forgive me for wanting the secret things more than the Sacred Thing.

Forgive me for doubting that the secret things are safe in Your hands.

Forgive me for thinking that my ways are higher than your ways.

Forgive me for not trusting in Your sovereignty and goodness.

Forgive me for choosing future hopes over my present beauty.

Forgive me for trying to carry the sin that you have already buried in the grave.

Forgive me for not grieving my own sin.

Forgive me for seeking signs and wonders.

Forgive me in your mercy and goodness and grace.

I want to trust God with the secret things, with my sanctification, with the heaviness of my sin. I am walking away from taking a big drink from the cup and a hearty piece of cracker, knowing that God is in control and that He is big and mighty and capable.

Who needs chocolate and flowers when you have grape juice and crackers. 

valentines day & the good life...

I have never celebrated a romantic Valentines Day. I have never received flowers, or chocolates, or a fancy date.

This year, however, Redbox was kind enough to text me a promotion code for a free one-night rental, which I used (I have no shame and I am a sucker for free things) and had a great time watching the newest Reese Witherspoon movie (everyone needs to see “The Good Lie”, it is PHENOMENAL; rent it now, right now).

Days like today are the ones that rub salt in the wounds of singleness; there is an irresistible thought process and recognition of what we are missing out on, what we lack, what we crave. Whenever I tell someone that I have been single my entire life, no dates and no kisses and no romantic type thing, I get two very typical responses: that the right person is coming if I just trust the Lord and that I have been spared a broken heart and all the worst kinds of heartache.

Person, I do trust the Lord, that’s probably definitely why I haven’t dated and am not dating/married currently. And yes, I have been spared a broken heart, but you know what? Singleness for 25 years can cause a different kind of broken heart; the kind of brokenness that leads you to questioning if you are enough, if you need to go to the gym more, if you need to put yourself out there, if you need to sign up for Christian Mingle and eHarmony and Coffee Meets Bagel. It’s a different kind of brokenness.

Friends, singleness is just as sanctifying as marriage; the nights are tough when we come home knowing we are cooking for one, knowing that we will fall asleep with only our pillows as company, knowing that we will wake up with only ourselves to snuggle up to. But, God is a God of hope, we are a people of hope, and He holds our folds in His hands.

So as a single person in this moment, in this season of life, I have a choice to wallow in bitterness or choose to see the abundance; to see the abundance of love and grace and Christ’s work in my life during this season.

(DISCLAIMER: I understand that Valentines Day is a celebration of all types of love… romantic, friendship, etc. I am so very thankful for my friends and the love they shower on me; for my guy friends who show me what it means to be loved and honored and protected; for my girl friends who show me what it means to be loved and heard and encouraged and accepted. Please here me when I say I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND I CELEBRATE THEM TODAY AND EVERYDAY. And I have so many opportunities to lavish love onto others. But, right now, this post is about romantic love and the lack thereof.)

I recently watched this video of Annie Downs speaking on the unmet desires of singleness, and people, SHE GETS ME. I am most confident that her and I would be great friends if we ever got the chance… Also, I saw her at the IF: Gathering, and by saw I mean that she had to straddle/jump over my seat in order to run down the hallway before she got on stage. She is my people and I love her.

Annie has a way of realness; she is real, raw, transparent, and hilarious all at once, frankly because when life is real, we can’t help but laugh. After laying out some personal stories and convictions, Annie challenged us with this question:

“How do we craft a life that brings God glory and brings you joy even if He doesn’t answer your deepest prayers?”

She then challenged us, after encouraging us to embrace all the things of the present, that we are living the good life right now. Today. In this moment, you are living out God’s greatest for you, God’s glory for Him. Then came a practical, applicable question…

“What is the good life for you?”

So I sat there, watching “The Good Lie” (thanks again, Redbox!) and contemplating the good life. How am I living out the good life right now? What does it look like for me to truly dive in deep into the space God has me in right now?

It looks like mothering and mentoring junior high and high school girls, it looks like taking midnight drives down Victoria Avenue to pray, it looks like dreaming of adopting children irregardless of if I am married, it looks like my Pinterest boards of my future home, it looks like buying myself new Target cardigans and new throw pillows, it looks like sunflowers on my kitchen table, it looks like spending time with friends who love me dearly, it looks like hoping for the future but not in the future, it looks like studying who God is in spite of my longings… it looks like abundance and stillness and grace.

So, I can sit here, celebrating the 25^th anniversary of my singleness (and 1^st anniversary of my wisdom teeth extraction, which yes, did happen on Valentines Day 2014) OR I can celebrate the fact that God has done so much, is doing so much, and will do so much in my life.

So today is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, people are celebrating love, celebrating what God has done, and I am jumping on that bandwagon. Today is the day that I am thankful for the Lord’s hand in my life, for saving me from some really bad dating experiences, for saving me heartache from another human being,

Today, we celebrate love for all that it is, for it’s redemption, it’s restoration, it’s grace, it’s healing, it’s ability to cover a multitude of sins.

Join me and buy yourself some chocolates, some flowers, a new cardigan or throw pillow, because you are celebrating love and yourself and the space you are in today.

This is the good life, love it, embrace it, celebrate it.