on the capacity for love (and donuts)...

It has taken me a long time to stand where I am standing, in this place where I am "okay" with Valentines Day. More so, I even kind of like it love it. I am not rolling my eyes at the many social media postings of dating/engaged/married friends, lamenting over the date-less night I have ahead of me, or even joining in on the "Singleness Awareness Day" bandwagon. No no, this year is a little bit different.

Valentines Day has always been a little somber for me, a reminder of the lack of love in my life. This year, by God's grace, I see it as a celebration of all the love I have received and been honored to give to friends and family. Call it wisdom, call it age, call it whatever you want, but God has slowly and tenderly been reminding me how much I am loved and how much I am able to love people. And the craziest thing? It has not been through a romantic relationship! I have never felt more loved than by my community, by the men and women in my life who love me in the smallest, most non-romantic ways. When I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved.
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"...when I stop focusing on how I think I should be loved, I am 

given the eyes to see the ways that I am already being loved..."

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To celebrate love ONLY in the context of a romantic relationship is missing the whole point of what love truly is; love is an extension of Christ, the One who gave His life in replacement of ours, and to only reserve it for a romantic relationship? Well, that's cheating and cheapening the love of our Savior. To only reserve love for a romantic relationship, to essentially one person, is to cheat and cheapen the work of the Cross. We must allow God to expand and redefine our definition of love so that it includes our friends, our families, and our special someones. Love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love.
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"...love is complimented in human love, but completed in Christ's love...."

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We have the capacity to love only because we have been loved by Christ; He shows us how and who to love (which, by the way, is unconditional and all inclusive). Whether I am single or married, divorced or widowed, I want to love people. I want to bring them donuts and pray with them and hold them while they cry; I want to love them the way that Christ loves them, which was extravagant and exhausting and self-sacrificing. Being single should not hinder me from loving, but rather give me the freedom to love and be loved by others.

Lord, enlarge our hearts past holidays and circumstances and statuses.
Lord, grant us the capacity to love unconditionally and inclusively.
Lord, enable us to love others without expecting anything in return.
Lord, help us to receive love when others give it to us.
Lord, remind us that love is not a feeling, but a choice.
Lord, expand our capacity to love and be loved by Your people.

So today, love your people, buy the donuts, and be encouraged, 
because Christ has given you the capacity. 

on wounds and redemption...

Somewhere down the line, you have been wounded. You have a terrible father or had a terrible relationship; you experienced death of a loved one or of a dream. Your heart took a pretty big beating, with one too many punches, and it ended up in a really scary, broken, bruised place. 

We all have it, the wound. I know what mine is as I write this, you know what yours is as you read these words. Wounds always leave scars. My body is host to many, both physically and emotionally, and I am sure They say that the ugliest scars have the best stories, which can be true, but sometimes the ugliest scars have the simplest stories. Simple, common experiences that are very heavy and painful, because simple does not always means easy. Simplicity can still have a profound impact. 

"I didn't get the job..." Simple, but great.
"She cheated on me..." Simple, but great.
"My parents divorced..." Simple, but great.
"My best friend passed away..." Simple, but great.
"He told me he never really loved me..." Simple, but great.

These experiences lead us to a re-wiring. It leads us to believe lies as a coping mechanism. Suddenly, everything was different... The things you believed about yourself, about people, and maybe even about God completely changed. The wounds begin to whisper into your life, subtly gaining traction, becoming louder and louder. Now, your filter is a little bit skewed and you can't really discern the difference between a lie and a truth. We get confused about who we are and what makes us; we begin to live out of self-given titles and insecurities. We begin to believe that we are not worthy, we are not impressive, we are not strong, we are not beautiful, we are not accepted, we are not wanted. I understand this grey area. Too often, I live out of this place. And our culture does not help us out with this, which is why we MUST lean into the grace of God and the identity given to us as His children. 

Scars are not pretty. They expose the wound that once was, that thing that led to excruciating pain, bleeding, possible stitches, maybe even an actual surgery. They remind us of the fear, the turmoil, the pain. Scars will always be there, but we can choose to see them as evidence of brokenness or evidence of healing. 
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Scars will always be there, but we can choose to 

see them as evidence of brokenness or evidence of healing. 

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And what about healing? Healing takes time, yes, and a huge dose of the Holy Spirit. Healing looks different for everyone. Your healing might look like a night out with your crew, complete with some seriously great pizza, car-dancing, and a Redbox. Your healing might look like sitting in a counselors office every Monday at 5:30PM for two years. Your healing might look like a creating a blog or reading a book or having a coffee date with a mentor. Healing takes time, and only you know how much you will need. Don't rush it, but do be open to it.

Do not let your wounds define you. Do not believe the lies that the wounds will tell you. Do not be afraid to invite people into those wounds. YES THIS IS SCARY. I understand that this is uncomfortable and opens a door for potentially even more damage BUT, this also opens the door for redemption. 

I am thankful for people in my community who have redeemed my wounds, who have replaced my broken images with ones full of love, grace, and truth. I can only pray that I am that for others; that I can be a safe, redemptive place. Maybe I will be the one to redeem someones view of friendship, of a Christian, or of a woman in general. 

We are all wounded, we are all limping away from the process, seeking healing and redemption for the broken, beat up things. May we see our wounds be a part of the story, but not the story. 

So buckle down, choose to believe truth, and dive into the thing that scares you and requires a little bit of risk, because that is the evidence of healing. 

on grape juice & crackers...

There were more empty chairs than usual last night. Empty chairs in the church, full chairs in the slew of restaurants around town.

We took communion on Valentines Day. I don't think I have ever taken communion on Valentines Day before; we sang about God being the Good Father, how it's who He is and how we are loved by Him, and I couldn't help but dwell on the love, the cup, the bread, the secret things.

The cup and the bread, representing the blood and the body that was spilled and broken for me, for you, for humanity in its entirety. The death that brought hope; the death that ushered in salvation and life and faith. My heart pounded as this verse was read, reminding me of my sin, reminding me that I am not in control and that that I am wanting things that do not even belong to me.
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"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that

 are revealed belong to us and to our children forever…" 

- Deuteronomy 29:29

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What are the secret things? What are the things that you think you have the right to know, but God reserves that right only for Himself? Maybe it's the secret of marriage, the secret of babies, the secret of salvation for family members, the secret of healing from sickness, the secret of writing a book or starting a non-profit. Our hearts yearn for knowledge, sometimes we seek the answers to the secret things more than our Savior. The cup, the blood, holds those secret things safely. The bread, the body, was broken in order to give life to those secret things. Just because there are things you haven't yet been given or things that have not yet been revealed to you, doesn't mean that they don't exist or that they are in an unsafe place. The secret things are safe, they are safe. 

I stared into the cup of grape juice and into my hand where the dried, broken piece of cracker lay, and I repented. I asked for forgiveness, not out of shame, but out of thankfulness. The Lord sees my heart, the wickedness and the wanting, but He gives me the cup and the bread, which is deeper still. 

The secret things are in the safest place, the hands of the Good, Good Father. Who am I to think my hands are safer than His? Or that my plans are wiser? My heart was overwhelmed with recognition of my sin; no, I was not knee-deep in the "big" sins, but I was knee-deep in the anxiety of trying to figure it all out, trying to be in control, and that may not be categorized as a "big" sin on the spectrum of American Christianity, but it felt just as heavy and weighty and big. 

So I sat there, asking for repentance, praying for forgiveness of these things. There is a freedom in prayer, because you are reminded of grace and the easy yoke. 

Forgive me for thinking that the secret things are my things.

Forgive me for wanting the secret things more than the Sacred Thing.

Forgive me for doubting that the secret things are safe in Your hands.

Forgive me for thinking that my ways are higher than your ways.

Forgive me for not trusting in Your sovereignty and goodness.

Forgive me for choosing future hopes over my present beauty.

Forgive me for trying to carry the sin that you have already buried in the grave.

Forgive me for not grieving my own sin.

Forgive me for seeking signs and wonders.

Forgive me in your mercy and goodness and grace.

I want to trust God with the secret things, with my sanctification, with the heaviness of my sin. I am walking away from taking a big drink from the cup and a hearty piece of cracker, knowing that God is in control and that He is big and mighty and capable.

Who needs chocolate and flowers when you have grape juice and crackers. 

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, I would order a venti iced coffee with cream, classic, and extra ice because Southern CA decided that El Nino will no longer be a thing this year. It was 88 degrees today, EIGHTY EIGHT. That is two degrees away from 90 and I am not okay with that.

If we were on a coffee date, I would share my dark chocolate peanut butter cups with you. I just discovered that Trader Joe's has the most delicious creamy, chocolaty peanut butter cups. A little package of them is only $.99 and I am so tempted to have a package for every day of the week at my desk.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about my high schoolers. One of my favorite high school boys "likes" one of my favorite high school girls and I have all the feelings about it. Good feelings, but feelings just the same. He asked to talk to me on Sunday morning and said, "Kristi, I just really like her and I don't know what to do... I have never done this before..." And my heart melted into a puddle right there. This whole thing is the sweetest, loveliest, cutest, greatest thing EVER EVER EVER. My high school people are my favorite people. (And if they get married in five years, I am definitely taking a semblance of credit.)

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I made it two weeks on Whole 30. And I actually didn't know you couldn't have peanut butter and I ate it pretty much everyday of those two weeks. So basically, I never even did Whole 30. (But, I did lose six pounds, so whatever.)

If we were on a coffee date, I would confess that sometimes I feel awkward loving people. Sometimes, I am afraid my love and kindness towards others is too much, like somehow it is an inconvenience or makes people run from me. And then, I think about how Jesus loved RECKLESSLY, to the extent to which people thought He was a drunk, and how I am expected to love just the same. And then, I feel better about being the girl who loves.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about signs and wonders. Are you chasing signs and wonders or are you chasing Jesus? #conviction 

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about the IF: Gathering... Did you go to Texas? Did you participate in an IF: Local? Did you IF: Livestream? I was apart of the IF: Livestream (photo above) and let me tell you, this year was SO DANG GOOD. Jo Saxton, Eugene Cho, Lauren Chandler, and David Platt blew it out of the water for me! 

If we were on a coffee date, we might pack up all our things and head to the beach for the day, because I have been craving the warm, salty spray of the ocean.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about how I leave for Ecuador in literally three weeks. You guys, this is bananas. (Also, still praying through my decision to go zip-lining...)

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you what's new... Any adventures ahead? Any new books you have been reading? Any new dances you have learned? Any new songs that you just can't get out of your head? 

on love as a career...

The last few days, my heart has been restless with the idea of love. Lots of thoughts and lots of tears have greeted me each morning as this idea permeates throughout each piece of me.

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Love is the fullness of God...

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On Sunday, the story of Hosea and Gomer was spoken over our congregation. I love the story of Hosea and Gomer; it’s uncomfortable, gritty, raw, and personal. As a synonym for God and Israel, Hosea and Gomer paint the picture of a relentless, unconditional, overwhelming kind of love. Hosea and God choose Gomer and Israel every single time. There is no wavering. To love someone despite their choices, despite their harlotry, despite them not choosing you, is hard. And that is us as the church, as God’s people; God chooses us and we choose the others. We run hard to other things, and no matter who you are or where you find yourself at this moment in life, we all have a desire to run. We are prone to wander with every sunrise and every sunset.

Hosea and Gomer.

God and Israel.

There is love that came for us.

It is liberally given and left without condition. Love is the fullness of God and the currency of His kingdom, and we are to spend it frivolously on others. There should be no limits, conditions, or boundaries. Who are we to place limits, whether by my own fear or by my apparent standard of who is deserving. And I think that’s huge… Fear. It’s the biggest road block and hindrance not just for us as individuals, but as a corporate, collective people. My fear limits the way that I love; I am too scared to really love, to really risk, to really invite rejection in. I am assuming that you might feel that same way. We want to be the Hosea, but we fear the Gomer.
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My fear limits the way that I love…

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Love begets love. If you love others, it gives them permission, in a sense. When you love others, they believe that they are capable of being loved and capable of loving those around them. And, I think it is powerful to be the person that defines love for another; so many of us walk around with heartache and pain and fear because we have not been loved well by family, friends, etc.

Be interested in people because they are interesting. Ask people to movies and dinners because you want to include them. Take someone to coffee so that their cup and heart might overflow with warmth. Dig deep into people, support them, love them.

Love people relentlessly; it doesn’t matter if you are the first or the last or the friend or the person. Love them. Love them all. This must be my thing, this must be what I am known for; I need to make a career out of loving people well.

Let’s stop being so fearful to love.