the if: gathering (the second day)...

Our morning started with a trip to the local Starbucks, but let me just tell you, coffee was not needed once we entered the theatre…

Our first speaker for the day was Christine Caine; who needs coffee when you start your day with her? And, we had seats in the very front, I could have grabbed her hand and pulled her off the stage if I wanted to! She introduced herself as the woman who “will talk until the Second Coming”, and we laughed because it was true and because we secretly hoped that she would. She dove right in to Joshua 1, a pivotal, transitional, leadership chapter. Christine stated that the spirit of fear is always inherent to a transition; that we have a choice to follow our fear or follow our faith. BIG THINGS. Then, she gets extremely personal with all 2,000 of us in the room about our past baggage and blessings…

“What is dead in your life that you refuse to let go of? God says it is dead; that painful experience is dead, that season of blessing is dead, He is not blessing it like He was before, there is no grace or oil in it, it is finished!”

She says that we have an unhealthy attachment to our past, we love to rehearse it, both the baggage and the blessing; we are so scared of what will be so we cling to what has been.

“Where have you been paralyzed and crippled by fear?”

“Sweetheart, if the horse is dead, DISMOUNT! He is not the God of “I WAS”, but He is the God of “I AM””.

I am telling you, I think every single woman in that room needed to hear these words. For me, I am not weighed down by baggage, but by blessing. I have never heard someone talk about a good season being a hindrance to walking in the presence, but I really identified with that. There have been absolutely amazing seasons of my life, seasons where God has blessed me with community, with purpose, with adventure and excitement, and I have found that I am clinging to those moments. I must dismount; I must allow them to rest in the goodness of the past.

“Being faithful does not mean we are fearless, but rather we are more full of faith than we are of fear…”

And with that, I decided I needed to let my faith wholly displace my fear, to dismount what is dead and plunge into the abundance He has for me in the right now.

Shauna Niequist and her mother, Lynne Hybels, spoke to women on the treadmill on perfectionism and busyness, how it leads us to be numb, to places where the Enemy may grab a foothold and sink deep the roots of depression, fear, and anxiety.

“Nice girls take care of everyone else, but no themselves…”

“How is your current life violating the pace of your character?”

Months ago, I wrestled with the concept of pace and living and all of its implications on my current life. The Lord has led me to a year of stillness; I was running a treadmill whose pace kept increasing, but not the momentum. Our momentum in life should trump our pace.

We heard from women of various ethnics, races, and backgrounds on diversity and racism; now let me just say, I have NEVER understood the concept of racism. I have never struggled with it, so for me, this round table wasn’t as powerful as it was for other women in the room. I completely enjoyed it, learning more about how other races felt and were perceived, but the real treat was who came next.

Bianca Olthoff, Chief Storyteller of the A21 Campaign (working under Christine Caine), spoke wild truth into our hearts that afternoon. She opened to Joshua 6, and let me tell you, the 2,000 women in the room could barely write down everything she had to say! Her main idea to which she expounded upon was: WHY DON’T WE BELIEVE? She gave us the Baptist three: (1) because we lose vision, (2) because we don’t see change, and (3) because we don’t know when it ends.

“Impossible situations do not intimidate God… He speaks in the past tense to things that have yet to happen! (Joshua 6:2)”

“Just because it is the Promised Land does not mean that we posess it…”

“Just because progress isn’t seen doesn’t mean that your faith is not working…”

“There is a beautiful routine to obedience…”

“Trying harder is not always running faster…”

That closing point hit me like a TON OF BRICKS y’all. Sometimes, trying harder is resting, being obedient to a Sabbath, slowing down, changing the pace. Right now, for me, trying harder is being still.

We closed out the IF: Gathering with an incredible moment of worship, writing our faith steps on stones and placing them before the stage. Here was 2,000 women hearing God move in their hearts, all with different journeys and wounds and next steps to be called to; it was beautiful.

During the last session of worship, I started to uncontrollably weep. I tried to stop, I chalked it up to the estrogen in the room, that I was emotional simply because everyone was emotional (empathy is a blessing and a curse, friends). But then I hit this moment where I couldn’t stop, the Lord told me to keep going, keep weeping, keep letting it all out. I sat there, tears falling, women singing, when I felt in my innermost place, the place where only Jesus has hold of, a stirring.

“Child, I am your Father, rest in My provision and promises; I will take care of you when no one else will…”

He stirred up that place of longing in my heart; I had no idea what was breaking me until He brought it into the light and exposed it. For years, it has been just me; I pay my bills, I make my meals, I take care of myself when I am sick, I bandage my own wounds… There is no one to lean back on, no family, no husband, no one. That created a pace of life that nearly broke me; I did not accept love, I did not accept help, I did not allow for rest and grace. But here is this Jesus, corralling me into this place of stillness, stirring within my heart a truth, saying He has me, He has me.

This weekend was such an incredible place of truth, restoration, stillness, and edification. Now comes the hardest part…

Living in light of all of the things, living like He is taking care of me, living without running faster, living without violating my character, living without crippling fear, living in hope, living in the fullness of who I am because of who He is, living in faith.

Please consider joining us over at IF: Equip for our study of Hebrews!

(If you want to purchase the sessions from

the IF: Gathering in Austin, TX, they are available HERE.)

the if: gathering (the first day)...

There I was, sitting, preparing, praying.

I was beyond excited to begin the journey that God had for me this weekend; again, He was already doing a lot of work in my heart and I knew this weekend would intensify that.

The Lord was faithful to give me so many things this weekend, so many gleanings that I am still processing through and harvesting in my heart. The speakers and guests at this conference were so vulnerable and transparent, and I am so thankful for that. Leading out of vulnerability is one of my personal mantras, so to see these women leading others through the rough periods of their life, where they had been in the wilderness, where life beat them and broke them, was such an honor. We heard from Jessica Sowards and April Smith who taught us “we can dance upon graves because we have Jesus” and that “we won’t just move mountains, we will burn them to the ground.” Powerful things, friends.

Founder of IF, Jennie Allen, set the tone for the weekend as we studied Numbers 13 and when she posed the questions:

Am I enough?

Are we going to be safe?

What will this cost me?

These questions are basic, but have intrinsic value to our souls. I recently met with a counselor at my church to greater understand trust and safety within relationships. He said that 2/3 of these questions are what we bring into this world, and our view is slowly molded in our experiences of God, people, and ourselves. Mercy. (I wish I had time to diviulge all of his wisdom! Another post for another time…)

Jennie led us to the place where we saw two storylines in the story of the Israelites… one of faith and one by sight; the two saw the land of milk and honey from the vantage point of faith, while the ten simply saw the giants ahead. They must have wondered, “If God is real, then what am I doing in the desert?” And friends, don’t we do that so often? If God is real, then why does my mom have cancer? If God is real, then why did my husband die overseas? If God is real, then why am I struggling to provide for myself? If God is real… BIG, HARD, MESSY QUESTIONS Y’ALL.

After a small break, we returned to hear Angie Smith, Jo Saxton, and Rebekah Lyons. Each woman, so full of life and redemption, each with amazing stories and passions… Angie Smith, our resident Natalie Portman look-alike, shared deep wounds of her past, encouraging women in their gifting’s and passions. She spoke on her desire to be a soccer player (and I instantly remembered my soccer days as a sweeper and forward and became instantly exhausted… for the love, SO MUCH RUNNING!) but her place as a cheerleader. Somehow, she saw being a cheerleader as being less then a soccer player. And her words spoke conviction to the crowd of 2,000 as she stated, “Angie, who told you that being a cheerleader wasn’t important?” Who has told us that we aren’t important? That being a mom isn’t important? That being a single woman in ministry isn’t important? That being a businesswoman wasn’t important? Holy Moses, truth sunk in hard…

“I stopped valuing my gifts because they weren’t what I valued in others…”

“We all have a want to be legitimate; we want something to legitimize our work, our places, our identities…”

On the panel of three, I have to admit, Jo Saxton was my absolute favorite. She is a passionate African-American woman with an incredible English accent; she immediately captured us with her humor, her story, and her gleanings on faith and the Israelites.

“We don’t live beyond what we think of ourselves; we cant live in the fullness of His promises without living in the fullness of our identities… Do you see yourself as a grasshopper?”

She spoke on the 12 tribes, how the Amalekites and Jebusites and Levites and all the other tribes were known for being the bullies or the ones with the great riches or the ones with the land and how we have our own tribes that captivate us; we have our own kingdom mindsets that trap us and enslave us with unbelief.

“Free people free people…”

Then, she spoke about her earthly father and the absence of him in her life. And friends, I have never been one to resent my earthly father for his lack of presence in my life, but Jo brought me to that place of emotion and feeling that I had no idea was there. She put words to feelings that have been resting deep down in my heart.

“How do I know that my Heavenly Father is for me when my

earthly father wasn’t?”

And that was when my jaw dropped to the floor. I don’t know how a father acts to his children because I never experienced that; I don’t know a father’s touch, his provision, his protection, his unconditional love. I know the opposite. And how does that impact my relationship with God? Gosh, my heart was pounding, my mind racing. I am still processing through this, even today as I type this.

Next, Rebekah Lyons shared with us her passion and desire for repentance in this generation, for a revival and circumcision of the heart. She stated that revival is “the infusion of the Spirit into the body that threatens to be a corpse”. May we be women who come fully alive in the blood of Christ!

We had a dinner break where I met two wonderful women from Texas. We shared life stories and queso and chips and I had the best enchiladas mole that I have ever tasted. (When in Texas, right?)

Now friends, here is the highlight of my weekend… JEN HATMAKER. I am confident that Jen Hatmaker and I would be great friends. She is that blend of godly and real that makes the devil fear for his life. I am so thankful that she writes and shares with the world her raw moments of motherhood, being a wife, being a follower of Christ. I thought I couldn’t speak more highly of her UNTIL FEBRUARY 6, 2015.

Jen walked up onto the stage in her big earrings and poncho, beautiful and eclectic as ever. And let me tell you, she captivated us with humor and truth for the next thirty minutes. She shared about her father and his character and how he “over-loved” her and her siblings. And then she went to that place where my heart heard things that I desperately needed to hear from the Lord. Here are ALL MY NOTES, free of charge:

“When you believe someone, you believe what they say about you…”

“Kingdom ways aren’t practical ways…”

“Expect a battle for faith; we become powerful with faith, it moves from our heads and into our lives…”

“We live out God’s kingdom to the fullness that we believe in it…”

“It can be so hard to trust a God who continuously sends us to the hard places; our limits blind us to Gods capacity…”

“We don’t believe in ourselves in Him,

we believe in ourselves in ourselves…”

“You don’t need full confidence in yourself,

you need full confidence in God…”

“Tiny God categories DON’T work…”

“Don’t wait until you have full possession of knowledge before you take full possession of God… Faith does not demand that God always explain Himself... Faith actually remains in tact and thrives in that place…”

“Faith does not inoculate us from being human…”

“What you want to be true in the day,

you find out if it is true in the night…”

“The Israelites were abused and tender, coming 
out of slavery and bondage mere weeks ago… 
the Promised Land was too terrifying to hope for…”

“Freedom, at times, is impossible to believe in.

Bondage is familiar, and we cling to that place…”

“Give your heart permission to trust Him…”

“Faith isn’t a formula to get to the good stuff… it is the good stuff…”

“Faith doesn’t rid us of insecurity, it overcomes it…”

“It is safe to trust a faithful God…”

All of these are amazing reflections, but can we notice where she starts talking about the Israelites? About how they were bruised and tender from bondage, and that His promises were actually too terrifying to hope for, to believe in? I AM AN ISRAELITE; I am coming out of a season where God was silent, where my heart was crushed, where I couldn’t see anything to hope in or for, and when I did, it was absolutely one-hundred percent too wonderful, so I retreated into fear, into doubt, into anxiety. I am telling you, coming from that place, I needed to hear and be reminded that faith is a good thing, that it is a hard thing, that I can have permission to trust a completely faithful God.

I think it is safe to say that good ole’ Jen rocked my spiritual world. Thank you and goodnight.

Next up were Bob and “Sweet” Maria Goff. What a fantastic, lively couple! They shared about their platform of love and how it has affected their marriage. Maria shared what it is like to love and support a man who is constantly adventuring and Bob shared about men, their fears and what they respect in a woman… And then, she said this:

“People who love people like Jesus are constantly misunderstood…”

SO GOOD. (Also, I was “so good-ing” all weekend. Just call me Jimmy Fallon.)

Next, Shelley Giglio led us women in a time of reflection and “selah”. A few more IF women spoke, and let me just tell you about the moment I had with Debbie Eaton… Debbie Eaton is an incredibly sweet woman, committed to the IF vision out here in Southern California. Debbie walked up on stage, took the microphone, and people, I FELT LIKE SHE WAS TELLING MY STORY. She stood there and told us that she was in a place of stillness, that the Lord was requiring her to be still and to watch Him do things. “God’s acceptance is not in the doing…” she said. “Yield to the pruning...” she said. “Be still and know that He is God…” she said. Chills covered every single crevice of my body… She just summed up my entire current convictions, the past three months of my life, and frankly, the year leading up to this year. It was like she knew. And she did. And I can’t wait to email her and meet her in Southern California.

And then Maragaret Feinberg stepped on to the stage and the tears fell out of my eyes. She shared about her battle with breast cancer and how the cancer may be gone, but the effects are not. She shared that God spoke to her amidst her healing…

“You don’t negotiate with me, you pray for your WHOLE healing…”

Our God is not one of negotiation when it comes to provision and healing, He is a God of full restoriation and redemption. ALL THE TEARS.

Ann Voskamp followed with a powerful monologue about brokenness… that the broken place is the breaking free place, that the Lord unfolds the folds of us and absorbs the quakes of our fears. We must break in order to give…

And that was the end of the first day, and the women saw that it was good.

Honestly friends, I have so much to dwell on and think through still. Looking over my notes, gleaning seconds from my first fruits of the conference, heart still racing at the things Jesus spoke to me.

And then, the sun rose on the second day...

the if: gathering (preparation & unpacking)...

Unpacking is not my favorite thing.

Coming home, putting the toothbrush back in it’s holder, separating dirty laundry, sorting receipts, putting things back into their right spaces and places… It’s somewhat burdensome. I want to be able to come home, jump into my bed, and go about life as normal, forgetting that I can’t take a shower until all my things are out of my suitcase and in my bathroom.

I am finding out the same is true about the IF: Gathering.

Unpacking this thing is HARD; processing all of the words, the good things, the challenging things, ALL THE THINGS.

Over the two weeks (has it been that long already?), I have been re-reading my notes, recounting the conference over long coffee dates and phone calls, and struggling to bring myself to actual pen and paper. It’s intimidating, to process these huge things and dive deeper into the words spoken by these amazing women of faith. The next few days, I will be attempting to unpack everything; the good moments and the God moments.

(First off, if you don’t know the purpose of IF, it is to gather, equip, and unleash the women of the next generation (me, yay!) to live out their purpose. They do this through various facets, and I am so thankful for Jennie Allen, the woman who began it all. She is a breath of fresh air (as are all the headlining women of this movement) in the stagnant, recycled air that is currently women’s ministry. Please do yourself a favor and jump on this bandwagon. We will be studying our way through Hebrews beginning Monday and I cannot wait!)

Leading up to IF, I studied through the concept of faith and the life of Joshua through IF: Equip, studied through 1 & 2 Peter with She Reads Truth, and coincidentally our church happened to be in a ten week series called “Decide Today”, based on the life and leadership of Joshua. To say that God was tilling my heart in preparation for the IF: Gathering is a huge understatement. Roughly a week and a half before boarding the plane to Austin, TX, I was challenged with this idea: am I praying more for my desires, the things un-promised, than the promises of God? Is it foolish or faithful to pray for things not promised? Basically, I was all about His promises. And, that was a key theme to the conference this year. Do we believe, and IF we do, what does that mean for our lives? I am also currently in a period of learning stillness, watching God move letting God move. Mercy, my heart was ready for anticipated yet unexpected pruning.

After flights full of peanuts and free soda, checking out a rental car and in to our hotel, we (my friend Laura and I) finally arrived in Austin, TX and in less than 24 hours, we would be waking up to big cups of coffee and even bigger cups of grace…

texas, bbq, & finding tim riggins...

TEXAS.

(I can’t not think of Miss Congeniality when I say Texas… Is this a struggle for you too? More like a blessing, because I love that movie and I am confident that Sandra Bullock and I would be great friends if we ever met.)

A week from this very day, I will be in the land of authentic BBQ, big hair, and Tim Riggins… I can hardly contain my excitement. It’s oozing out of my ears!

A good friend of mine and I are travelling out to attend the IF: Gathering; if you don’t know what the IF movement is all about, PLEASE go to the website and get on this bandwagon, because it is going places! I am excited to see how God moves and convicts and challenges and reveals Himself during this conference. And excited about meeting these women. And eating the BBQ… Have I mentioned the BBQ?

Also, I have never been to Texas, but it has always been on my bucket list. There is SO MUCH to do in Austin, and I know that I won’t be able to pack it all in (especially without a car). No matter the fact, I have some great goals for this trip…

1. Purchase some sort of Texas Longhorns paraphernalia, specifically a baseball hat.

2. Find Tim Riggins.

3. Kayaking on the Colorado River.

4. Meet Jen Hatmaker, Joy Eggerichs, and Shauna Niequist.

5. EAT ALL THE FOOD (see: BBQ). Friends, there are BBQ places, food trucks (one specifically for gourmet donuts, I can’t even), Mexican restaurants, ice cream shops, WHATABURGER and Cracker Barrel. Excuse me while I gain about 12 pounds.

6. Run into Carrie Underwood or Florida Georgia Line or Chris Young or Kenny Chesney at the airport. Please dear Jesus, let this happen, for the love of all things country and good.

7. Blow up your Instagram feed. Literally, this is your warning.

8. Over pack. I do it EVERY SINGLE TIME. Also, I am planning outfits according to what I want to be photographed in when I meet Carrie Underwood, Chris Young, Jen Hatmaker, and the like. Judge me if you want to, but I do NOT want my first and only picture with Chris Young in a frumpy sweatshirt, headband, and no makeup. How is he supposed to fall in love with me like that? And how am I supposed to frame that picture without cringing every time I look at it? CASE IN POINT, FRIENDS.

9. Wait for God to teach me something BIG at this conference. We will be studying through Joshua and the concept of faith… Yeah, it’s going to be something BIG, I assure you.

10. Read two books; one on the plane ride there and one on the way back. This will distract me from wondering if our plane will go missing or need an emergency landing in the ocean.

There they are, the Texas goals. I cannot wait to share with you all of my findings… the restaurants, the convictions, the Chris Young and the Tim Riggins.

Have you been to Texas?

Where should I eat?

What should I do?

a coffee date (featuring Hawaiian lattes)...

If we were on a coffee date, it would have been in honor of National Coffee Day.

If we were on a coffee date, I would order you a Hawaiian Latte. Yes, there is such a thing, and it is as close to Hawaii (and Heaven) you will get without actually going there. Coconut and honey and milk and espresso… For the love of all things… Thank you, Jesus!

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you about how I am now a substitute teacher for my local Christian junior high and high school system. Note: I made sure to tell the principal that I absolutely cannot teach math in any sort of capacity. When it comes to math.... GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about how Citizens & Saints came to my church this past weekend. They showed up at our junior high event in between worship services, before they went to lunch off-campus, and let me just tell you, I was more excited than our students!

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you about struggles and how God is using them to teach you His truth. I would share with you that I am indeed struggling with some things, and that God is using them mightily. But right now, it’s not fun.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I am going to Texas in February for the IF: Gathering. I am beyond excited to spend a weekend away with great women, focused on His will and desires for our ministries. Not to mention, I am going to hunt down Christy Nockels, Ann Voskamp, Jen Hatmaker, and Shauna Niequist at this thing! I am determined to have sit-down coffee with at least one of them! PLEASE JESUS, MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about She Reads Truth and Shop Kick and lose track of time. 

*These posts are inspired by this lady. She's a new favorite.*