Thursday, March 5, 2015

prince farming & the women tell all...

The infamous “Women Tell All” night was full of emotion (mostly just Britt crying and Jillian yelling) and catfights.

First off, we see Prince Farming and Chris Harrison crashing “The Bachelor” viewing parties… WHAT? And everything is corn themed, everyone is drinking, and he kisses one of them. And although this sounds crazy beyond everything, Mr. Soules seems like he can actually hold a conversation and be normal with these fans.

Chris Harrison, our resident counselor, is on the stage with candles and flowers and couches. He introduces the girls (Nikki… who are you even? Samantha… who are you even?) and I want Virgin Ashley to put a real dress on and less bronzer, because she looks like she came straight from rolling around in the dirt at The Badlands. Kaitlyn is still pulling off her crop-top shenanigans (do we expect anything less?) and I am loving the green and gold combination on Kelsey (don’t judge); Trina, who I remember, has some great hair happening.

The producers replay all the drama and highlights from this season and it's the best... I love laughing at all the ridiculous moments! But you can't help but feel so awkward as the Sister Wives watch these things together… it’s completely cringe-worthy!

Naturally we start with Britt; and she calls Carly out for betraying her and pretending to be her friend because they shared music together. Trina interrupts and says it's not about friendship it's about Chris... DUH. These girls can’t pretend that they will be getting manis and pedis once the show is over. Sister Wives can never be real friends. In this moment, I am so proud of Trina, because she spoke so much wisdom (and what I have been thinking throughout this ENTIRE season). It’s not about being friends, its about being civil to each other while you live in a house together. And all of a sudden, Jillian jumps in yelling and attacking and everyone is like WHAT? Even Chris Harrison had to calm her down… “Jillian, um, you’re a little jacked up right now…” Direct quote from our favorite counselor. Then Nikki (who are you, even?) speaks up and I am like how are you even speaking into this? Britt moves on and talks about how she loves kids and wants them and works with them and has practically already raised a brood of them herself. And then she becomes the pinnacle of single advice, telling us to love our singleness and to be a whole single person before you meet someone... Please.

And I have a revelation where, part of me thinks... Why are we trying to fight over things in the past? THIS IS POINTLESS. We aren’t learning anything new, we aren't trying to solve anything… He didn't choose y'all so just stop. The ‘Women Tell All” is kind of pointless and I might have just wasted two hours of my life… That's my two cents.

 You guys, Britt is still on the couch, blaming Carly for her ruined relationship with Chris... She is convinced that she would have made it to the end if Carly hadn’t sabotaged everything. STOP. Prince Farming is ONE MAN on this earth; He is not the end all and be all. MOVE ON. "Hate was born out of pain and you demonized me instead of taking time to figure yourself out…" EXCUSE ME? Get off Carly’s back. You are a manipulative crazy lady and that wasn’t born out of anyone’s anything, it is all you! And Harrison says this is enough and we are finally done with Britt and her sob story. Kelsey is next, and if I was after Britt, I would be terrified because that hot seat is HOT. 

I will say that Kelsey looks stunning in the green and gold combo, but it doesn’t make up for her lack of emotion and insults to the Sister Wives. After seeing her story and journey this season, she feels betrayed and that she's grieving and I fully expect homegirl to have another panic attack right then and there. She takes Chris Harrisons silk handkerchief (classy) because she almost starts crying. Kelsey, again, says that the Sister Wives hate her because she uses big words… Insert roll-eyed emoji here. She says that she wants to be accepted, warts and all, because we are all different but not devalued. Then, the floor is open and all the girls have things to say! Juelia speaks first and, speaking as a victim of tragedy, she would not be condescending and think she's more worthy of love; she would never call her what happened “amazing”. Meghan questions if Kelsey is still grieving, why she even decided to be on the show. Trina says it’s not an appropriate thing to call this kind of story amazing. Samantha hates Kelsey because she took her chance at a rose away the night of the panic attack. Princess of Persia says that if she was having a panic attack, smack on the floor, the last person she would want to have see her is the man she likes/loves. After all this, Kelsey asks for their forgiveness... And Persia just can't. Then, Jillian speaks up about Sanderson and how much Kelsey loved him... How does she even know? Jillian, I want to black bar your mouth. Kelsey gives her final words about loss and healing and once again states that she will continue to challenge herself to the idea of love. Well, good luck and God bless!

You guys, Crazy Eyes Ashley is next, and Chris Harrison is about to unwrap all the layers of this onion. Miss Mesa Verde gets to see all her moments from the show and I can't help but just laugh. This was awesome. She was for sure the best comedic relief of the season. Chris Harrison pulls her up to the stage and I am so excited to hear what she has to say for herself! She starts with giving him an onion and confesses she started growing onions after the show. Homegirl is now a gardener. She talks about how she found the crew betting and gambling on the women... Some sort of secret club, like “Fight Club”, but for “The Bachelor”; Chris Harrison says that Meryl Streep could not have even pulled off the performance that Ashley gave and asks her who the real Ashley is... Her answer? “I like to ride bikes. This is who I am.” Solid.

Princess Jade takes the stage in her racy red dress, which is not a good color on her at all and showing way too much on top. She says its hard to re-watch and relive. Jade is crushed at how he was “disturbed” that she was one person to him and another to her family. She had the shortest time on the stage and I am definitely okay with that. 

Kaitlyn, the next Bachelorette, is welcomed to the hot seat in her all white crop top and pencil skirt. She talks about her confidence and when her heart broke when he called Whitney’s name at the temple. She thinks about this every single day and that she really needs more closure and clarity. And she, like all the girls, is so dang terrified to see this man tonight. And I know that feeling! It's not at the same level as these girls, but I know what's it's like to dread seeing someone after hard conversations.

And then Prince Farming himself comes out. And I am terrified for him. It's like he's being released into the lion’s den. 

Britt immediately starts crying and I just can't. She hugged him clutched him for a good minute and a half, smearing makeup all over his suit. And in typical Britt fashion, she says she respects his decision and it's okay. SHE WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT HOW SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND HIS DECISION. But, no big deal, right? Mr. Soules says he didn't make the decision based on Carly but more about his convictions about their relationship... And that entire conversation was the weirdest thing. Next, Kaitlyn calls him out at the fact that all she got was a stumbling of words after the ceremony, and that she needs a better answer, needs some closure to understand his decision. And Chris doesn't give her anything except the whole "I'm just shooting darts here..." And it's not a good enough answer for me so I know it's not for her. If you send someone home, you need a legitimate reason, not an “I don’t know if it was the right choice” answer. Be a man, Chris Soules, and accept responsibility for your choices! Princess Jade comes up to the couch and I catch Chris looking at her chest multiple times. He assures her that he didn't make the decision off the photos and Jade says that he said it was awkward for him... YES. It doesn't matter if you made the decision together, that's horribly awkward and weird. And poor guy, he says it was the first time he was ever in that predicament and I totally get him. Looking at porn of your girlfriend is lame and should never be a situation that anyone is in.

The night ends with laughter as we watch the bloopers if this season… Chris farting, his laughing like a dolphin, Chris coaching Jimmy, a monkey throwing up, Becca freaking out over a dog, one on one camera time with the Sister Wives... They were SO great! It almost made up for all the crazy of the night. And then Chris Harrison plugs his new romance novel and I laughed out loud and turned my TV off.

Quote of the night...
“Jillian, um, you’re a little jacked up right now…”
- Chris Harrison, resident "Bachelor" counselor

Next week, our three hour (seriously!?) crowning of Princess Farming!
I am so excited for Whitney!

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