Tuesday, February 3, 2015

prince farming, white water rafting, & the widow...

Grab your passports y’all, this week we are in Santa Fe, New Mexico!

Santa Fe, apparently, another reason for Virgin Ashley to bring up her virginity. But at this point, I feel like anything is an excuse for her to talk about her virginity, roll her eyes, and cry. Holy Moses, go back to Persia!

This week, we had one group date and two one on one dates. And then the most awkward cocktail party of the century. This week was literally a train wreck, and I couldn’t look away. I just yelled at my TV a lot. (Also, theses girls make me feel SO normal... I think I struggle with men? At least I am not a psycho contestant on this show... Am I right?)

Megan thinks the water is full of alligators and dead bodies. But, to be fair, the man giving the safety instructions would make me think that I would be one of those dead bodies that Megan talked about. But, HOW FUN would that be? I think it was such a fun date, and a normal date, as opposed to the tractor races and mud runs we have seen so far. And then Jade fell out of the raft and Chris saved her with his massive muscles. It was a great moment. We learn that Jade has a hypothermic condition, which causes her body to go into hypothermic shock in relatively normal temperatures. Mama Kenzie claims that Jade had a great “strategy”, that she would have done the same thing if she had that kind of disorder. Poor girl has a condition, leave her alone. And that’s the end of the rafting date.

The cocktail party goes awry when JORDAN FROM WEEK 2 SHOWS UP. I am sorry, but WHAT? Is this even possible? And Chris is the king of second chances, because he welcomes her back into the Sister Wives (who are beside themselves, which I think is completely fair). Virgin Ashley was very quick to throw Jordan under the bus; she is not marriage material, and once again, she sounds like a child. Princess of Persia brought out the crazy and once again threw her emotions out there along with copious amounts of eye rolls. She wanted to be mean to Jordan just to be mean to her. ARE YOU FIVE YEARS OLD? Whitney came to Jordan’s rescue… thank you for being the sounding board of reason, Whit! MORE BROWNIE POINTS FOR YOU. And then Chris finally puts his man pants on and sends Jordan home, which was the responsible and right decision. AND WHITNEY GOT THE ROSE AND I LITERALLY SCREAMED OUT LOUD IN MY APARTMENT BY MYSELF. You guys, I feel like I am on this journey with her. If she is sent home, I will maybe stop watching this season. And this is another perfect moment for Virgin Ashley to throw another temper tantrum. Mama Kenzie had a come-to-Jesus moment with Princess of Persia and tells her that there is nothing wrong with Whitney, that she just simply doesn’t like her. And this was the second moment I actually liked her this season.

First off, I don’t trust anyone named Carly. The date starts with Chris and Carly walking into a house, trying to find someone… They walk to the backyard and to their surprise find a Love and Intimacy Mentor, whom I would like to call Yellow Dreamcatcher. She brought out ALL the incense, all the candles, all the throw pillows and chants. And then it gets completely uncomfortable and weird with all the touching and strawberries and massaging. Chris realizes that Yellow Dreamcatcher is basically a sex guru, and he was ready to end this thing. (BUT, he didn’t, which makes me kind of upset… Be a man and stop this nonsense!) Then they start taking each others clothes off, and I just can’t even. You guys, I almost changed the channel because FOR THE LOVE THIS IS RIDICULOUS. And, I gained a little respect for Carly in that she was very emotional and was not ready for this and she spoke up in her uncomfortability. I wish that Chris was the one to speak up, but then he tells her that she is worthy of love and I ABOUT DIED. And then they start that breathing exercise and I was over this date. OVER IT. For sure there were too many hormones and too much oxytocin and that is why she will be advancing into the next week. But, I also feel really bad for Carly, because this was her first one on one date, and it was so incredibly awkward. I would have cried too. And then she was extremely vulnerable about her past relationship and I actually almost cried because homegirl INSECURITY IS MY GOOD FRIEND. Also, Chris talks about how he has an insecurity of not being enough and struggles with being open with people. You guys, this was an amazing ($1) end to the worst first date in all of humanity; we finally got to see more emotion (in a good way) from Chris and one of the girls. And she got the rose, but can you imagine, just for a second, if she didn’t? Even if it ended on a weird note, she deserved that for getting through the awkwardness of that whole debacle.  Gosh, poor Carly.

First off, this girl doesn’t shower. WHAT? It’s a thing, and all the girls are aware. And now all of America is aware. And that’s a little embarrassing. Chris sneaks into the girls’ room to grab Britt while they are asleep and states that she looks just as beautiful as when she is all dolled up. EXCUSE ME? She is all dolled up right now… She sleeps in glitter and mascara and lip stain, and this is not normal behavior. Men, if you watch this trash, please note that the average woman takes her makeup off before going to bed, not putting it on. Also, if you are legitimately afraid of heights, YOU WOULD NOT BE EXCITED TO JUMP INTO A HOT AIR BALLOON. I have a fear of heights and I wouldn’t be caught dead in a hot air balloon. Actually, that would be the outcome of me in a hot air balloon… DEAD. Future husband, take note… NO BALLOONS, NO FERRIS WHEELS, NONE OF THAT BUSINESS IS WELCOME INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP. Sorry about it. And she wants hundreds of children. #19kidsandcounting
I have never like Britt, even since the beginning, and I am ready for her to go home. I don’t think she is a genuine person or really down to earth at all, and she needs to go. Except, she was given the rose this week and I rolled my eyes, Princess of Persia style.

So, after the dates and the cocktail party, the girls were wildly upset and Chris was beside himself. AND THEN KELSEY HAD A FULL BLOWN PANIC ATTACK AND CHRIS CANCELLED THE ROSE CEREMONY. That was the end of this week. Excuse me, I just went through this wild emotional rollercoaster for two hours, and you aren’t even going to give me the decency of a rose ceremony?

The ladies…

Whitney… We are kindred spirits. You are as sweet as honey, and I am really thankful that you are on this show. When you and Chris are finally married, I expect invites to dinner parties.

Kelsey… She is a robot psycho. She couldn’t even remember how her husband died? She thinks congestive heart failure? Are you kidding me? I am slightly embarrassed that she was on my top three at the beginning of this season, but now she has taken the place of Ashley S. for sure.

Carly… You are worthy of love. And he should have given you dozens of roses after enduring that crazy date.

Megan… You were more excited about the sombreros than you were about Santa Fe and Prince Farming this week. I think you should prepare for departure…

Virgin Ashley… Get off my girl Whitneys’ back and just LEAVE already. Praying against you.

Mama Kenzie… This is the first week you haven’t mentioned aliens. Maybe you deserve a rose just for that.

Kaitlyn… Pretty silent this week, which is interesting.

Jade… Sweet girl, Prince Farming rescued you from the raging rapids… REMEMBER THAT MOMENT FOREVER.

Samantha… I think this was the first week that I ever heard her speak. Who are you, even?

Becca… Just like Whitney, you were reasonable about the Jordan situation. Bravo.

Britt… I still don’t like you. And at this point, I never will.

Quote of the night…

“Ugh… Isn’t my story AMAZING? It's tragic, but amazing...”
- Kelsey, the robot psycho

So, what does that mean for next week?
Double rose ceremony?
Is Kelsey finally out?

PS: Jeff Bethke, author of “Jesus > Religion” has started doing videos with Sean and Catherine Lowe, former “The Bachelor” contestants. They are Christians and have committed their marriage to Christ and they are speaking out about having a Christ-centered marriage.

See the videos here:

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