Wednesday, February 18, 2015

prince farming & the two night, hometown special...


I am telling you what, this is the longest post ever written because ABC made a five hour special this week, complete with the hometowns. So, brace yourself…


The first hour I don’t even want to talk about… LAME. We heard from Chris Harrison and the Sister Wives of old.

We begin with Megan; she feels there is no progression and flat out asks Chris what he feels, which I really respect. These girls want CLARITY and if he doesn’t willingly give it, they will pry it out of him. Sadly, Chris did not feel a strong connection with Megan (which I think was obvious on this side of the TV) and she was sent home and all the girls cry because they are losing one of their besties, after all, they are Sister Wives. But, Megan seems like one of the most healthiest girls after the break-up; she’s heartbroken, but level-headed, which I did not expect from her; she is proud of herself and I can say the same!

AND THERE WAS STILL A ROSE CEREMONY AND I HAD THE SAME REACTION AS THE SISTER WIVES. Excuse me? This is insane. And surprise, commercial break.

(Also, is it just me, or do they play 12 times more Ford and Chevy commercials during these episodes? Seriously, it’s not enough that you flaunt Prince Farming in front of us, but other men driving trucks? I am done. #somethingaboutatruck #fordforever)

And then Chris decides to change the plans yet again, and let everyone know that there will be no Rose Ceremony and Whitney praised Jesus (is she really a Christian because I LOVE HER MORE) and they all get to go to Iowa…

You get to go to Iowa, you get to go to Iowa…

Iowa is nothing like the girls think; it’s chilly, the leaves are changing, and it’s beautiful. Shocker… THE SOUTH IS BEAUTIFUL, PEOPLE. Iowa is my jam. And so are Idaho, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, and Alabama.

Our first date goes to Princess Jade followed by Whitney and the ever horrible Group Date (Carly, Britt, Kaityln).

Princess Jade receives a date to Chris’ hometown and this is huge. She comes to Arlington, home of Chris, cattle, and corn. Jade points out all the dirt roads, the cows, the corn, the wild grass… Apparently she has never been outside anywhere ever. Chris brings her through his house, which he says “needs a woman’s touch”. Land is one of his passions and Jade thinks “that’s cool” and that the cows are “cute”. Jade has a lot to think about, if she wants the slow-paced life, which includes riding on the back of Prince Farmings motorcycle. She can’t fathom how small and empty Arlington is and that there are no restaurants, coffee shops, bars, movie theatres. She claims it feels like a ghost town. After the ghostly tour, they wind up at a high school football game for his alma mater, and you guys, is it weird that I was totally jealous? I love the small town, I love the football game, I love it all. I kind of feel like Britt right now, so jealous… And then Jade meets his parents at the football game and it is so flippant and nonchalant which totally weirds me out and I am not jealous anymore. She had no time to prepare, was not even aware, and probably overanalyzed her first impression a thousand times (which is exactly what I would do). After the game, Jade flips a 360 from thinking Arlington isn’t enough for her into falling in love with the small town values, telling Chris not to feel insecure about where he comes from. And they do a “Breakfast Club” reference, which I have no idea how that fits in, but I will take it.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the Sister Wives hear that WHITNEY GETS THE NEXT DATE. She is going to Des Moines, and Britt just can’t even. And then Jade talks about her date and Britt loses her everything. And the Sister Wives plan a roadtrip to Arlington for clarity and this is the worst decision. How insensitive and lame. Also, where did they get this car? Also, is this not the weirdest thing? They are roadtripping. Do this with your real friends ladies, not your pseudo Sister Wives. Also, homegirls are NOT impressed by the smells and sights of Arlington, and just Arlington in general. Except, Carly saw a framed photo of Jesus in the local church and it was clearly the biggest sign in America. Carly is basically a prophet now.

He takes good ole’ Whit to an art museum where the photography depicts love and then they go on their own little photo shoot, and let me just say, that they are about the cutest things. Some of those still frames they showed us… Insert heart-eyed emoji here. They basically shot their engagement photos, sans the ring. Later, they go out to dinner and SURPRISE, three of Chris’ best friends show up. And Whitney killed it with these guys, being totally genuine and invested in getting to know them and answering all the hard questions they asked perfectly. Homegirl is ready to move to Iowa, to start having little Soules babies, and loving the farm life. After the boys leave, Whitney tells Chris that she doesn’t have parents; her mom has passed and she has no relationship with her with dad. Because of this, she wants a strong family unit in her future husband, to get the love of “mom and dad” that she has missed. YOU GUYS. I am holding back all of my tears! Whitney, you are just the best. And, as if this date couldn’t get any better… there is a huge painted mural of them on the side of the restaurant. People… if she doesn’t marry Chris, I am never watching another season of The Bachelor.

Back at the house, Britt confesses that, after seeing Arlington, she couldn’t see herself living in Arlington, but then Carly seemingly convinced her that it would be actually one of the greatest places to live ever. STOP IT. You are lying and you smell like the devil!

All Chris wants is a comfortable, low key date at his loft, which I can appreciate. The fact that the dates are getting more likely to real life situation makes me so thankful. She told Chris that she has never been in love with someone and they talk about children and getting engagemed. And homefirl says that she couldn’t promise she would say yes if he proposed to her today and I, again, am so thankful! SHE SEES THE LIGHT!

Group Date: Carly, Britt, Kaitlyn
The Sister Wives show up at the Wells Fargo Arena for some ice skating and hockey. We learned that Chris’ spiritual gift is definitely NOT ice skating. Much to our non-amazement, Britt steals Chris away to tell him all about the Sister Wives Roadtrip, where she apparently fell in love with Arlington. Spare me. Next, sweet Carly gets her moment to confide into Chris about Britt. Later on, Chris pulls Britt aside AGAIN and has a come to Jesus moment with her… after she confesses her family eats in the living room off of paper plates. Quality, people. She tells Chris that Arlington would be a good place to “try”, and that you aren’t choosing the town, you are choosing the lifestyle, which was the wrong answer. Then, finally, Kaitlyn gets some time with Prince Farming… she feels she is playing catch-up in light of the Sister Wives. Because of her honesty, she was given a rose and secured into the hometowns. And people, Britt loses her everything yet again and pulls a temper tantrum and reminds me of Virgin Ashley. She is straight up word-vomiting all over Prince Farming and he doesn’t really know what to do with that, which I completely understand. Glitter eyes needs to leave STAT.

Back at the house, the Sister Wives are joined by Britt as they debrief the date. And Britt tells us she is all packed and ready to go home before the rose ceremony. There is a 1% chance she would change her mind, but we all know that there is a 99% chance that she would change her mind! And Whitney tells us that Britt is beautiful, but looks aren’t everything. AND I LOVE HER MORE. And I can’t agree with her more, and before I get on a wild rant, we will move on… And, as if this couldn’t get any messier, Princess Jade decides to confide in Carly that she has done some nude modeling for Playboy… EXCUSE ME, WHAT? Not okay… 50 Shades of Jade just got real.

What will happen next? Who is going home now? (My money was on Britt and Carly…) Luckily, we only had to wait a mere 24 hours to know…

Quote of the night…

“Hey mom, don’t Google my wife…”
- Carly, my favorite commentator



You guys, the night is here… HOMETOWNS! But first, we start the episode with a ceremony…

There is no cocktail party and we jump right into the ceremony… BUT THAT DOESN’T STOP BRITT FROM HAVING HER OWN COCKTAIL PARTY. She pulls Chris aside and they talk about Arlington and the date and all of the things. Britt asks if it is Carly and Chris says, “Does it matter?” Amen! Seriously, you can’t blame your crazy on poor Carly… After that, it all goes down hill and he basically walks her out of the house right then and there… HE IS DONE AND AMERICAN IS DONE! Thank you, sweet Jesus! Glitter eyes sits on the curb and cries off all her glitter and blames the entire break-up on Carly, NOT on her own convictions about leaving that she had just a few hours before. Spare me. We resume with the ceremony; Whitney receives the first, Becca receives the second, Kaitlyn already has a rose, and the last rose is given to… Princess Jade. We say goodbye to our favorite cruise ship singer, Carly. And she hosts a pity party for herself in the car, wondering why no one wants her, no one is fighting for her, no one loves her; given her past with men and her trust issues, I completely understand where she is coming from and the emotions are raw.

And then we switch gears, jump on our planes, and travel all over America for… HOMETOWNS!

Shreveport, Louisiana: Becca
First off, let me tell you, I have been to Shreveport and I absolutely loved it. You guys, it is the perfect southern place, and I will never forget it. I ate my first authentic catfish meal in a sweet little dinner there. Blessings. Anywho… Becca takes him canoeing amongst the swamp, complete with alligators, but who would be afraid of alligators if you have Chris’ biceps beside you? Not me, not me at all. They enter to her house and the entire family is there… how intimidating! Also, Chris is the first guy Becca has brought home, which is wild… How is Prince Farming the very first person? Katie, Becca’s sister, pulls out all the stops and confesses that her sister is not affectionate or intimate with any man. She also questions Becca and her upcoming moments for the Fantasy Suite (which I still can’t fathom; the entire idea makes me very angry). Next up, Mama Bear… She confirms that Becca is taking everything with Chris very seriously and that she is wholeheartedly invested. Apparently, the family doesn’t understand how the Sister Wives work. At the end of the day, he steals Becca away and takes her to the state fair for the Ferris wheel… so cute, so romantic, but I could only imagine me up there and how it would have been the worst thing ever. Future husband, take note… NO FERRIS WHEELS. Lord have mercy! I can’t. (If I ever do go on a Ferris wheel with a man, it will be the person I know I can trust my life with and will be marrying, because then he can’t dump me after my panic attack.)

Chicago, Illinois: Whitney
Whitney, the sweetest, decides to give him a tour of her life, not her town, and says, “So, why don’t we go and make a baby?” She is just the sweetest. They change into scrubs and Whitney is the cutest, seriously. If I could pull off scrubs like her, I would become a fertility nurse too! Chris is overwhelmed at the fact that he makes corn and she makes people, which is totally awesome. Whitney gives him a tour of the facility and then takes him to “The Man Room” and asks for a sample of his sperm(as a joke); Chris states that he is confident that his soldiers are marching. Oh gosh… I just can’t. Chris meets Whitney’s family, but most importantly, Kimberly, her sister. He asks, before meeting them, who he needs to ask for a blessing and DING DING DING, it’s Kimberly. And I about died because he didn’t ask that about Becca (or any of the other girls down the road)… WHITNEY SOULES, IT IS HAPPENING. Her uncle states that Whitney exudes strength and vulnerability, and that’s such a beautiful combination. Meanwhile, Whitney has a come to Jesus moment with her sister, pleading with her not to mess everything up for her. Chris does, in fact, ask for a blessing, and her sister says she doesn’t want her to be one of four, but the one, and when he knows that, he can call Kimberly for that blessing. I think this is a very normal, valid response; I would be nervous too if a sister or best friend got engaged after kind-of dating a man for three months. But poor Whit is heartbroken over the conversation, but not heartbroken enough! She shared a very special bottle of wine with him and told him she is head over heels, completely in love, totally done. Like I said before, WHITNEY SOULES, IT IS HAPPENING.

Pheonix, Arizona: Kailtyn
The date started in a recording studio where they take on the art of rapping… and Kaitlyn kills it but Chris should probably never do that again. It was actually painful to watch, I mean, painful. Like, he really has found his calling with farming you guys. Chris meets her family and sees that love and support can exist even in an unconventional family. This is mildly offensive, myself coming from a family of divorce and brokenness. We don’t see much, really anything, of Chris talking to her family or asking them for any sort of blessing. After dinner with the family, Kaitlyn takes Chris to a surprise billboard that says “Kaitlyn heart Chris”. This could be cute, in its own way, but I am not impressed. And that’s the entire Arizonan date.

Gering, Nebraska: Jade
Jade’s hometown, otherwise known as the other Sin City. First, Jades father sits Chris down and asks if he can love her but let her be wild. Then her brother confirms that Jade would have a hard time being brought back to Arlington and settling down, her free spirit is a huge hindrance. Interesting. Quiet, shy Jade is now a wild mustang. Jade reveals that she has kept this part of her in the back of her mind… EXCUSE ME, WHAT? Girl, you are just like Britt and Virgin Ashley and all the girls before you. Come clean with Chris, yourself, and the world. In an attempt to be honest, Jade decides to drop the Playboy bomb on Chris and its terribly uncomfortable. She gives him the news back at his hotel room, which I just think is such a weird thing. And then it gets even more weird and she asks to show him the photos, and he says sure. HE SAYS SURE. My respect for him just tanked… MINUS ALL THE POINTS CHRIS, MINUS ALL THE POINTS. Also, how is he even doing this right now? He is basically looking at pornography of Jade and he can never see her differently, ever again. After seeing that, he also needs to practice wild self-control… but this is me, assuming that he has some sort of values in regards to sex and all of that, but who am I kidding! This man claims nothing in Christ, so he is bound to do everything and anything he wants to do. Gosh, my heart is broken for men, BROKEN. Any who, this is The Bachelor, so… moving on…


Three roses, four girls… Holy Moses, this is crazy.

First rose, WHITNEY. Second rose, Kaitlyn. (JADE OR BECCA… WHAT!? IS THIS A REAL DECISION!?) Third rose… Becca. Praise the Lord, because seriously, if he chose Princess Playboy over Becca, I would be so disappointed. He tells Jade that his decision was not swayed by the photos, but we all know that means it was definitely completely swayed by them! I don’t think the Soules Sisters would have picked Jade for their date had they known she was a wild nude mustang. This just encourages me so much… You don’t have to be the girl strewn across a magazine to have value, to be seen as beautiful.

Next week, Prince Farming and the last Sister Wives head to BALI. I can hardly wait!

Who are you ready to see with a ring on her finger?

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