Tuesday, February 24, 2015

prince farming & the fantasy suites (gag me)...

Let me just tell you, I have NOT looked forward to this week.

The idea of the Fantasy Suite’s gives me hives. The fact that this person (Bachelor/Bachelorette) has the option to sleep with multiple people to see if it “works” is absolutely cringe-worthy. Our culture glorifies polygamy, not in the sense of real Sister Wives (although, I love referring to the girls that way), but in the sense that monogamy and marriage and sexual intimacy have lost their importance. No longer to we value a person’s sexuality… it has become a token, an experience to be had, not a something to be shared amongst two people in marriage. And the fact that these girls are totally okay with this, with Chris being able to be with all of them, is legitimately NOT okay. We live in a culture were these things are not questioned… and this is not just a Christian issue, y’all. Okay, I need to get off my soapbox…

This week, the Sister Wives and Prince Farming trekked all the way to Nusa Dua, Bali for their Fantasy Suite experiences. I feel like this is a honeymoon, and it just gives me the hives.

Fantasy Suite: Kaitlyn
Even in Bali, Kaitlyn gets the short end of the stick when it comes to dates. First Costco, now she is gallivanting around Bali feeding rabid monkeys, touring a temple where PDA is off limits. And I about die when she states that she wishes she was more like the monkeys, because they know what they want (the banana) and they are not afraid to just go and get it. Profound. She should quit her job as a dance instructor and pursue a career in counseling. And they sweat their way through the temples and dinner, trying to muster up words and conversation, which is hard because they are clearly both having heat strokes. (I have been to India, and trust me, it is one hot place, the sweat situation is real.) Chris offers her a key to the Fantasy Suite (gag me) and that’s how they spend the rest of the night. Hey, at least there was air conditioning, a little oasis from the demon monkeys and the wild heat.

Fantasy Suite: Whitney
My girl Whitney wins in terms of the Balinese dates; Chris and Whitney take a romantic boat ride in the Indian Ocean, where I feel their chemistry was just oozing all over the place. They are perfect; he needs to just whip out the ring RIGHT NOW, for the love! At dinner, Whitney states that she would be a full-time wife and mom once she moved to Arlington, Iowa. And you guys, I believe her with every fiber of my being; she is willing to move away, transitioning from helping create moms into being one herself. Also, being a mom and a farmer’s wife is a full-time job, I know people. And I have no other words about Whitney and Chris other than #futuremrssoules and #soulesmate. You will be in the Fantasy Suite your entire lives, BRING ON THE MOST ADORABLE BABIES!

Fantasy Suite: Becca
Sweet Becca has never been in love, and because of that, Chris questions if she will ever be capable of loving somebody, which is completely ridiculous. I have never been in love but I definitely have the capacity within my heart to love someone… She doesn’t have baggage, she isn’t wounded, she is just waiting for the right person, and there is nothing wrong with that, if anything it’s noble. (And I totally relate.) For her, these feelings and experiences are completely new ad overwhelming, and Chris seemingly has no grace for that; he simply doesn’t understand her side of the story and that it is kind of hard to fall in love and be sure after a mere eight weeks. Despite the conversation and its lack of clarity, Prince Farming gives Becca the key to the Fantasy Suite. She accepts, after a conversation where she states she is a virgin and will not be sleeping with him (YEAH!) but would love to spend alone time with him and continue their conversation. But you guys, lets just camp out at the moment where she says she is a virgin… It was just as painful to watch as when Chris was in the rap studio with Kaitlyn! Mr. Soules is at a loss of words and it is the most awkward thing in America on a Monday night. He says, “Uh, I’m glad” and takes years to respond any further. He admits that he respects her and the decision and isn’t shocked, but then said that they will have to figure out how they will work without this aspect… EXCUSE ME? It works because it works, you don’t need sex to legitimize a connection, homeboy. Becca was thrilled with his response (which makes me question her judgment) and they go up to the suite (which is gorgeous, I mean, you would be an idiot not to recognize that!). The night is over, and Chris admits to waking up in the morning beside her with all the questions. He apparently has no idea where she stands and is terrified to bring her to his next step.

After many dramatic scenes of the girls walking on the beach and Chris looking off into the Bali sunrise/sunset, Prince Farming sits down with Chris Harrison, our favorite (not really) shrink, and processes the coming decision… He admits that he is not ready to send any of the Sister Wives home, he wants all of them to be in his family (WHAT?). He wanted more clarity to help make his decision, but has none (WELCOME TO THE CLUB, because this is real life, and you are on The Bachelor, and everything is heightened, but even real people don’t have clarity). He doesn’t want to commit to one when there are three left (fear of commitment, anybody? YOU CAN’T BE A POLYGAMIST, PICK ONE!). Prince Farming states that he is completely sure about one woman (Whitney, obvi) and that he likes Kaitlyn’s personality and that he could be patient with Becca… I say we just end the whole season here with Whitney! Chris Harrison leaves Prince Farming to his thoughts, which are all over the place.

This week, our Rose Ceremony is held at a sacred temple, which is clearly the perfect filming location for a racy, American reality TV series. Thank you, ABC, for feeding into the American stereotype. The Sister Wives are looking on point in their bright, Bali attire and I can’t help but love how Whitney is just glowing… is there ever a moment where she doesn’t look beyond lovely? I mean, really. Prince Farming gears up to send one of the three home, but in typical Soules fashion, he pulls Becca off to the side to have a “talk” (I really dislike that he does that…). Whitney and Kaitlyn are FREAKING OUT while I am over here thinking that Becca is about to get the Bali boot! They sit at the temple steps, trying to gain clarity and it is just not happening; I feel like this conversation made everything worse. Bali boot, it’s happening. But then, much to EVERYONE’S surprise, Chris and Becca walk back into the temple. In the words of Kaitlyn.. “OH SHOOT.”

Our Rose Ceremony commences and the first rose goes to MA GIRL WHITNEY. #futuremrssoules Our second rose (Kaitlyn, obvi…) goes to BECCA, and for the first time this season, I really am surprised. But, have no fear America; I am confident that we will see Kaitlyn the dance instructor back as The Bachelorette (and this is how they pull viewers in…)

Friends, it is just so sad, because Kaitlyn can’t even look at him. I feel like this would be my exact response. And to make matters worse, Chris, eloquent as ever, states that he doesn’t even understand his decision, he doesn’t know if it’s the right decision. This is not the right thing to say in this moment, Prince Farming! He says that this was excruciating (which, we need an Excruciating Jar because he has said that word about 25 times this week…) He talks about how he’s scared and needs clarity and the whole conversation is about him… I mean, does he know that she is the victim in this situation? He should be consoling her in this moment. She gets into the car and her seat belt locks on her about 12 times (which is seriously the worst, but it gives some comedic relief). Poor girl is humiliated and questions why she let her guard down in the first place (this would, again, be my response too). Sweet Kaitlyn, this is goodbye for now, but not forever. #kaitlynthebachelorette

Next week, all the women return for a juicy tell-all reunion. Britt confronts Carly, our twerk-tastic friend is back, Crazy Ashley might be able to tell us what was happening to her, and Princess of Persia and Kelsey are back (which will be dramatic and exciting in about 17 ways).

And in TWO WEEKS we will finally crown Princess Farming. I am pulling for my girl Whitney, as always. #soulesmate

Quote of the night…
- Kaitlyn, winner of the Bali boot

Are you Team Becca or Team Whitney?
Which Sister Wife do you miss the most?
Who are you excited to hear from at the reunion?
Do you think Prince Farming will actually even propose to one of the girls?

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