Wednesday, February 11, 2015

prince farming & the double whammy...


South Dakota, here we come! But first...

We start this week where we left off last week… with Kelsey on the floor having a pseudo panic attack. The cocktail party has been cancelled and the ladies are fuming. There is no sympathy for our guidance counselor in this moment. It is clearly a tactical move to get more time with Chris and to appeal to his emotional “I-am-the-man-I-need-to-fix-her” complex. I will say that, if someone just had a real panic/anxiety attack, it does not help to have someone tell her they look beautiful. Chris, minus ten points... Also, if this was a real panic/anxiety attack, your body and emotions are destroyed afterwards; you are not happy as a clam, you are not laughing and talking about brownies. You are terrified of what you just experienced and so tired that you think you might sleep for 12 straight days. Apparently Kelsey’s “emotional burden” wasn’t as heavy as she portrayed it to be. She tells the camera that today “signifies the start of it all”. (Or the end of it all…)

After the girls pick their jaws up off the floor, we proceed to our much-anticipated rose ceremony. After recent events, emotions and expectations are high. Much to our dismay, Kelsey receives a rose and friends, I wish I paused Virgin Ashley’s response… GOLD. PURE GOLD. She can’t even fathom the events that just took place, and the girls decide that WWIII has no commenced. The girls Chris sent home? Samantha (who are you, even?) and Mama Kenzie (alien abductee). I am totally okay with these girls leaving; between Samantha’s silence and Mama Kenzie’s alien fetish, it was time.

The girls pack their bags and head to Deadwood, South Dakota. Chris waltzes through the streets, enlightening us to the deep history of the town and to his seemingly naked body while he takes western glamor shots. Minus ten more points.

Becca:
Chris takes Becca horseback riding out in the fields of Deadwood and part of me wonders if they are going out to take engagement photos. Their outfits are perfect and they are such a beautiful couple. (Whitney is still my girl, but how can you not admit that there is a sweetness with Becca? I mean, she admits that she feels like a 14 year old girl who has no idea what she’s doing. ME. THAT’S ME TOO.) After shooting and horseback riding, they sit around a romantic campfire and talk about their five-year plans (Chris’ favorite getting-to-know-you question), communication, and children… And homeboy says he would like six. SIX KIDS? For the love, I about fell over. Good luck and God bless! The date ends with a kiss, which Chris had to work for (thank you, Becca!) and all is calm in the land of Prince Farming.

Meanwhile, back at the Deadwood Ranch, our girls confront Kelsey and her crazy. Also, please note, Whitney is queen of the death stare. I think I could feel it through the TV. Confession: every good girl needs to perfect the art of the death stare, it’s just something we do. Kelsey pretends to be naïve to her effect on the girls and tells them she admires and loves them; she is simply “blessed with eloquence. I am articulate and I use a lot of big words, because I am smart…” And she will NOT be defeated; she has earned a one on one date this week. Bless.

Group Date: BIG & RICH
When I noticed that Big & Rich was apart of their date, I about jumped off the couch and on a plane to South Dakota. I love Big & Rich! But, I will be honest, I would not want to write a song or sing in front of them. As Jade put it very well, she was “a bit on the struggle bus”, and I am so sympathetic to her because I would be on it with her. Big & Rich make her run down the street, convincing her she has things to say to the man she loves. It was actually a really sweet moment, until you realize she just said she loves this guy and it’s only been six weeks and he is having inappropriate moments with Britt every five minutes. Each girl wrote a small song and performed it for Big & Rich, Chris, the Sister Wives, and a few random alcoholics on the stairs. We learned that Megan can actually sing and Kaitlyn can rap with the best of them. And the best part about Chris’ song is he rhymes marry with prairie, in typical farm fashion.

The night of the group date, everything goes awry when Chris chooses to take Britt to the Big & Rich concert without telling any of the other Sister Wives. Britt claims this as her “virgin country experience”, and I can’t help but think she is filling in for Virgin Ashley. Whitney has a moment where she talks about her love for country music and her struggles with comparison and insecurity and SHE IS MY GIRL AND I LOVE HER FOREVER. Prince Farming gives Britt the rose on stage and you would have thought he actually proposed to her right there. I mean, seriously? It’s a rose; it will die in a day without water. The apparently happy couple returns and graces the Sister Wives with their presence and they can’t even look them in the face. They walked into a shark tank, and Chris left Britt to fend for herself. Sorry about it.

Two on One: Virgin Ashley and Kelsey
You guys, this was the date to end all dates. Literally, it ended all the future dates with Chris that these ladies thought they would have. Prince Farming helicopters his ladies out to The Badlands, which Kelsey cannot wait to experience. She hates muddy lakes, but gosh, homegirl loves the desert. Chris takes Virgin Ashley first and she confesses that the Sister Wives hate fake Kelsey. All they talk about is their hatred for Kelsey, and I think Chris has about enough. He then pulls Kelsey aside for their date and confronts her about what he has heard. But then, ANOTHER minus ten points for Mr. Soules because he completely tattles on Virgin Ashley. NOT OKAY. Have some tact, sir. And after all of that, Kelsey is sent home. Praises. But, Kelsey comes back to the tent/bed out in the middle of the desert and shoots daggers from her eyes at Virgin Ashley, and the girls have a come to Jesus moment. You guys, this was the first time that I appreciated Virgin Ashley for more than her drama; she calls out Kelsey on her pride and ego and states that she has her Master’s from a reputable university too. Maybe if we saw more serious moments like this, you wouldn’t have been everyone’s favorite person to hate. Virgin Ashley has enough of Kelsey and decides to confront Prince Farming. Now, I think she was in the right because Chris completely was in the wrong. Then, things take a turn for the worse (for Virgin Ashley, not us) and Chris decides to send her home because she is simply not cut out for farm life. In typical Princess of Persia style, she throws a temper tantrum and asks if Britt is cut out for life on the farm (totally valid question). Chris takes the first helicopter out of The Badlands and leaves the girls in the dust.

Back at the Deadwood Ranch, both suitcases are taken and the Sister Wives are filled with mixed emotions, at first. Then, they bring out the champagne and celebrate their wins and losses, which are also wins, in this case. And friends, I cannot help but want to join in that bubbly celebration. Psycho Kelsey is gone! Virgin Ashley is out of here! The Lord gives and He takes away. 

Okay, onto our survivors…

Whitney… Queen of the stink eye! Thank you for gracing us with your anger this week. Also, I would be just as upset as you that Britt went to see Big & Rich. They are my people! Whitney, you are my people.

Carly… Thank you for taking us back to your cruise ship this week… Your song was moving and I thought you should have received more affirmation for that.

Megan… I am actually really surprised that you are still here. You and your headbands and leggings are probably next on the chopping block.

Kaitlyn… This was the first week that she cried and I really respected her for showing her emotions. And she was valid in them, unlike Virgin Ashley.

Jade… Your sweet moment with Big & Rich cannot make up for the fact that you apparently posed for Playboy? WHAT. No thanks.

Becca… Your date was perfect and you are the sweetest thing.

Britt… YOU ARE NEXT ON MY BACHELOR HIT LIST.

We said adios to Samantha (it’s about time, we didn’t even know her), Mama Kenzie (don’t let the alien spaceship door kick you on the way out), Virgin Ashley (PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW), and Kelsey (the black widow).

Quote of the night…
“I am prepared to be a wife because I was one…”
- Kelsey, the robot psycho

We have Sunday and Monday to look forward too!
Also, I think I will miss writing Virgin Ashley’s recaps; she was just so dramatic and full of craziness and mascara.
What are your thoughts?

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