Wednesday, January 28, 2015

prince farming & the temper tantrums...

For the love, I don’t know how much more of this I can take…

This week was a little different; we had two group dates (The Camp and The Mud Run) and two one on one dates (Jillian and Jade). We saw more emotion from the girls (mostly from Virgin Ashley) and Chris redeemed his previous fashion faux-pas with his plaid button-down and puffer vest (YES, LAWD).

This week, the one on one date was decided by Chris’s sisters (who are absolutely beyond gorgeous and I wish I had their genes). Please note that Jillian was asleep passed out in the pool when the Three Soules Sisters showed up. Also, if I had to meet Chris Soules’ sisters, I would immediately begin singing Train’s “Hey, Soul Sister”, because how could you not. Like I said, I would never survive on this show. Whitney, on the other hand, is everything I am not; completely poised and put together and the future Mrs. Soules. And apparently, so is Jade.

Group Date #1: THE CAMP
The girls basically have heart attacks when they hear that this date would be something “natural”; they simply couldn't fathom a date without their hair and their makeup and all the things. To their surprise, Chris takes the ladies to the lake, and Kelsey CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS. Homegirl gets stung by a bee (I legitimately feel for you, that is not fun), but beyond that, she has the worst attitude, mostly about the water because Michigan is heaven compared to this mud-tastic lake and basically throws a temper tantrum. Even though I do agree that this is where a dignified women wants to check out, which was made evident by Kaitlyn taking off her bikini bottom and Virgin Ashley taking of her bikini top (PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!), I had higher expectations for the guidance counselor from Austin, TX. The Princess of Persia has never been camping, which is just another excuse to talk about her virginity. Mama Kenzie is in her element because the lake is also the perfect spot for aliens to come abducting and probing and prodding. Yep… And I can’t even talk about Ashley S.; she doesn't know what Chris is, but she knows she loves everything about him. And, for the record, PF did NOT sleep with anyone at camp. Thank you, ABC, for making everyone think this was the case. (Which is what they did with Carly for next week… That preview was mildly inappropriate and if I was Carly I would be SO UPSET, but that’s just me.)

Group Date #2: THE MUD RUN
If these girls weren't already grouped in my mind as Sister Wives (thank you, Jimmy Kimmel), seeing them all walking together in wedding dresses would do it. Honestly, I feel like this date was created just for Jillian; she was finally able to showcase her muscles and strength and Crossfit moves. Good job Jillian, you finally got to show everyone how much of a man you are. But, in the real world, who else would be good at running through a muddy obstacle course in a 40 pound wedding dress? Definitely not me, or ¾ of the women I know. The only run that I will be taking part of in my wedding dress will be down the aisle, and then to the honeymoon, obviously.

The only run that I will be taking part of in my wedding dress 
will be down the aisle, and then to 
the honeymoon, obviously.

Jillian and her muscles received a one on one date which revealed that she has no five year plan, or any plan at all really, outside of exercising 12 hours a day. Chris mentions that he can’t comprehend anything she says and that when she talks he thinks of unicorns and dancing fairies… And then she went home, right then and there. I didn’t even know that was possible (remember, Bachelor rookie here!)! But, there are no words for my excitement… THE BLACK BAR IS GONE FOREVER. Praise the Lord Most High!

Congrats to Jade, our princess of week four! (Great job, ABC, for using The Bachelor and this poor girls date to promote the new “Cinderella” film… shameless). Apparently, Cinderella dates bring out the worst in people... This kind of date is personally not my cup of tea, but holy Moses, Ashley I. about lost her everything. Scratch that, SHE DID LOSE HER EVERYTHING. Princess of Persia threw the second temper tantrum of the night because SHE WAS CREATED FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS (a la Esther); seriously, it rivals the two year olds that I know. Homegirl dressed herself up in a dress that she apparently bought and brought specifically for a princess date and ended up sitting on the couch drinking wine and gnawing on some corn on the cob. Class-ay. She needs to learn how to handle her emotions as a grown adult woman; Mama Kenzie said that Ashley I. is the type of girl who will blow anything out of proportion, make mountains out of molehills, and this was the first time I liked her this whole season.

On a very real note, I just noticed this week that these girls are living out of suitcases. You guys, that’s a HORRIBLE way to live. #realtalk

On another very real note, Chris said that he questions his potential in life if he can’t find love as a 33 year old man… I FEEL YOU. I am eight years younger, and I question that every single day. #realtalk

Now, all the ladies (all the single ladies)…

Whitney… I feel like every week, I love you more. You had great insight into the Soules Sisters and I was beyond surprised that they didn’t pick you for the date.

Kelsey… I had higher expectations. I am now not really a fan of you.

Carly… Your commentary on Jillian and her muscles was priceless and you have charmed your way through another week.

Megan… You and your fruit platters need to go home next week. I think the Grand Canyon was the best it’s going to get.

Virgin Ashley… SPARE ME. Take your temper tantrums and princess dresses and hit the road!

Mama Kenzie… Do you ever not talk about aliens?

Kaitlyn… Slowly creeping in to my top girls. I love her constant commentary and her down to earth spirit. She’s no Whitney, but she’s becoming more amazing (I just lost a $1…).

Jade… I am glad ABC took advantage of your date for their own shameless “Cinderella” plug. Your dress was stunning, more stunning than the fact that both you and Chris have been engaged before…

Samantha… Who are you, even?

Becca… Our second virgin of the house. But, Becca doesn’t let this define her, which is the way it should be.

Britt… I still don’t like you, but props for calling Chris out on validating questionable behavior.

We said goodbye to Jillian, Juelia, Ashley S., and Nikki (who was she, even?). Chris walked Juelia outside and explained himself and it was such a noble move; we finally saw a little bit of his character! Juelia gets the only free crying pass in regards to elimination. And Ashley I.? Apparently, she loved Chris at the campsite but then had absolutely no feelings about him once she was eliminated... She is also not worried about herself, which is okay, because everyone else in America is concerned.

Quote of the night…
 “I don’t know if Ashley S. is here for the right reasons, 
because I don’t know if she knows where here is…”
-      Kaitlyn, the down to earth dance instructor

What did you think of Virgin Ashley this week?
Would you win in a wedding dress mud run?
What do you think Kelsey’s up to next week?

1 comment:

  1. First of all your commentary on all if this leaves me in tears. I love it.
    Favorite moment :the Esther comment. Too much :)