Tuesday, January 13, 2015

prince farming & the grand canyon...

Well, here we are with week two under our belts!

And, each week, Chris gets more and more attractive. Except when he wears that blue zip-up hoodie without any sort of shirt underneath and the zipper pulled down obnoxiously low. But, I digress.

Prince Farming had quite the dates planned for our girls… Pool parties and tractor races? Zombie paintball? THE GRAND CANYON? Let me just say, that this sets these girls, and us at home, up for failure. The average guy will not take us to a picnic at the Grand Canyon, unless he lives there, like maybe it’s his backyard or something. The average guy will take us paintballing or to an Angels game and maybe to dinner at Olive Garden or In-N-Out, which is totally normal. (Also, paintball HURTS. I don’t even care, it hurts and it leaves bruises and I basically cried at Summer Camp this past year when I took my girls paintballing. Paintballing was made for men, and maybe women who routinely go to Crossfit and have skin made of chain-mail. Future husband, if you are out there and just so happen to read this little blog, the answer is NO to any sort of paintballing.)

 Paintballing was made for men, and maybe women who routinely go 
to Crossfit and have skin made of chain-mail...

In this episode, we learn that Mr. Soules lives right down the driveway… Shocking. Also, ABC thought this was the perfect moment to showcase Prince Farming showering in his awesome backyard shower. Mildly inappropriate, ABC. For the love… What was the importance of that? Other than to make us all swoony (it worked, and I hate you for that ABC!).

We see these girls drive around in their bikinis on super snaily tractors (A tractor race… cue Kenny Chesney singing, “She Thinks My Tractors Sexy”… ABC, missed opportunity on your part.). Then, our second group runs around what is apparently known as the Mesa Verde, paintballing zombies to death. Then Megan gets the Grand Canyon. Which is amazing. Literally, amazing.

Okay, on to specifics:

Kimberly… This girl completely emotionally hijacked that guy… AND IT WORKED. Way to work the system, my friend. Stand up for yourself… But also, sorry about it. #noroseforyou

Jillian… PUT SOME CLOTHES ON. PUT A REAL BATHING SUIT ON. For the love, I can’t bear that little black bar again.

Mama Kenzie… I have never been on a first date (yes, I am 25, welcome to my life), but even I know that I shouldn’t talk about aliens and the endearment of big noses. Chris recognized these red flags and still gave homegirl a rose… I don’t understand. Also, she is jealous of Ashley the Virgin and said some beyond ridiculous things. No. Just, no.

Megan… GRAND CANYON. Should have brought your helmet and tried hitting your head up against the rocks, just to see if it was strong enough, I can think of no greater test than that (also, Chris would have been able to see that you are mildly crazy). I also hope you developed some sort of concussion.

Kelsey… You are second to Whitney in my book. You are absolutely beautiful, have a real job (guidance counselor), and are always laughing and smiling. I was beyond mad when you were not chosen for a date outside of the paintball business. Keep on keeping on, girlfriend!

Ashley… Girl, I CAN’T EVEN. You were talking about angels and the Mesa Verde and finding the truth. The truth is that you are wild and I sided with Kaitlyn when she said you would probably eat the rose if given one. Also, please note that I screamed a big fat “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” at my TV when Chris gave you that rose. I am now praying against you, since Tara is no longer with us.

Virgin Ashley… You took that whole virgin thing too far. And also, you can’t expect us to respect you and believe you after a performance like that… Your belly button ring? Three wishes? That kissing session? I felt uncomfortable. 

Whitney… Still number one in my book! You brought him a taste of home and gave him a date instead of waiting for him to ask you to one… Respect. But next time, make sure your hair is out of your face so we can see your beautiful smile, girl!

Britt… I still don’t like you.

We said goodbye to Jordan, Alyssa, Kimberly, and Tara, all of which I am totally okay with. And I would just like to talk about Tara for a quick second… She said some things that genuinely had me worried about her emotional well being… She said that she “never seems to be anyone’s number one”, that she should “get used to rejection”, that she was “walking away empty handed, like usual”, and that it “always ends in heartbreak for me”. I understand this coping mechanism, this pity party, but this girl needs some serious counseling. I think that there are deep wounds that she has not yet recovered from in past relationships, so she needs to sort that out before moving forward. And that is the cold, hard truth.

Quote of the night:
“I feel so lucky to be having a date with my future husband!”
– Tara, the drunkard and sports enthusiast

Well, that ended quickly... Sorry about it.

What are your thoughts?
Who are you still rooting for?
Would you go paintballing on a date?
Would you let Ashley even come near you with a paintball gun?

1 comment:

  1. Basically I love you. Since I don't get to watch the show, I simply love living it through you. Your comments are PRICELESS :)