Tuesday, January 6, 2015

prince farming & first impression roses...


Now, before you judge me as one of those Bachelor-ites, please note that this is the first year I have watched this show; between Sean Lowe and Andi Dorfman, I have seen about three episodes. So, just please.

I wish I could tell you that I am taking part in the watching of The Bachelor because of some noble reason, but that would be a lie. I am watching this season because holy Moses, Chris Soules… PRINCE FARMING? You have got to be joking me. For the girl who loves the all-American, homegrown, humble cowboys (raises hand), you just can’t resist that business.

So, I cozied up with some very healthy dairy free, coconut milk ice cream (New Years and such), lit the remnants of my Frosted Pine candles (which make my apartment smell like the Swiss Alps), and prepared myself to laugh, judge, and fall in love like the rest of America.

Friends, let me assure you, I LAUGHED, I JUDGED, I FELL IN LOVE. These girls… For the love, put the whiskey down, put some clothes on, and do not let this ominous rose define you!

For those of you who use Twitter, I tweeted about all my thoughts because I was home alone and had no one to talk to and that’s not acceptable as you watch your very first season of The Bachelor EVER.

I would like to just completely admit that the reason why I never watch this show is because I sit there and judge these poor girls and worse, begin to judge my self. I compare myself, I am not proud, but its kind of impossible not to. These girls… I could never be on this show! I am not bold, I don’t sparkle (excuse me, no normal girl just has those kinds of dresses hanging in her closet), and I am not a dance instructor, yoga teacher, or professional juicer. I sat there in my yoga pants, eating ice cream after a day spent with my mentor, complete with crafting, Mexican food, and talking about the gray areas of my love life. THAT is the average girl, and lets be okay with that, yes? Also, I would be the girl who would come out of the limo, introduce myself, and make some sort of joke about Ruth and Boaz falling in love in the fields, biblical marriage, and then get back in the limo because I am pretty sure this person is not here to find a biblical marriage (or laugh at my witty Bible humor).
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I am not bold, I don’t sparkle, and I am not a dance instructor, 
yoga teacher, or professional juicer…
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Now, my thoughts on the girls that I remember:

Tara… Homegirl was my favorite up until she got wasted and couldn’t even hold herself up on the platform. You still got a rose, and that is the grace of God upon your soul. If you become Princess Farming, know that I will be praying AGAINST you.

Britt… just get out. You have a better chance of marrying this man simply because of oxytocin (look it up) and the chemical bonds from physical intimacy. More bonding, more pain (every rose has its thorn, my friend).

Ashley… your onions and pomegranates are too much. You have a rose, and I can’t even.

Whitney… If I could call in and vote for you, I would. You are super sweet, have a REAL career (again, dance instructors are tooooo many on this show), and are just super cute when you talk about making babies and such. Princess Whitney Farming has a great ring to it. Keep it up, love you.

Machu Picchu… I can’t remember your name, only that you just got back from Machu Picchu with a heart rock. What? Creeptastic.

Kaitlyn… YOU ARE WILD. No words.

Also, everyone who didn’t get a rose the first night, STOP CRYING. You don’t even know this man, so please come back to real life and find that man that the Lord has for you! (Sidenote: a handful of these ladies introduced themselves and immediately talked about how they will be safe havens as wives, will make cute babies, and want to raise their children in small farming towns because “that’s where its at”. You don’t even know if he is someone worth having children with yet, you have no idea how he treats women, and I am sure you did not grow up dreaming about living on a farm and looking out to pasture only to see your children cow-tipping and rolling around in mud.)

I leave you with my absolute favorite quote of the night:

“There’s a sparkle on your face…
OH MY GOSH, WHO IS SHE?!”
– Kaitlyn, the dance instructor

She took a page from our very beloved T-Swift and went cray. Next episode, I don’t doubt she will be throwing a cell phone into a pool, smashing a car with a golf club, or chopping down some sort of tree.

So, what are your first impressions of these people?
Are you a Bachelor rookie or seasoned watcher?
Are you a dance instructor too? Because if so, I just can’t…

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