Wednesday, January 28, 2015

prince farming & the temper tantrums...

For the love, I don’t know how much more of this I can take…

This week was a little different; we had two group dates (The Camp and The Mud Run) and two one on one dates (Jillian and Jade). We saw more emotion from the girls (mostly from Virgin Ashley) and Chris redeemed his previous fashion faux-pas with his plaid button-down and puffer vest (YES, LAWD).

This week, the one on one date was decided by Chris’s sisters (who are absolutely beyond gorgeous and I wish I had their genes). Please note that Jillian was asleep passed out in the pool when the Three Soules Sisters showed up. Also, if I had to meet Chris Soules’ sisters, I would immediately begin singing Train’s “Hey, Soul Sister”, because how could you not. Like I said, I would never survive on this show. Whitney, on the other hand, is everything I am not; completely poised and put together and the future Mrs. Soules. And apparently, so is Jade.

Group Date #1: THE CAMP
The girls basically have heart attacks when they hear that this date would be something “natural”; they simply couldn't fathom a date without their hair and their makeup and all the things. To their surprise, Chris takes the ladies to the lake, and Kelsey CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS. Homegirl gets stung by a bee (I legitimately feel for you, that is not fun), but beyond that, she has the worst attitude, mostly about the water because Michigan is heaven compared to this mud-tastic lake and basically throws a temper tantrum. Even though I do agree that this is where a dignified women wants to check out, which was made evident by Kaitlyn taking off her bikini bottom and Virgin Ashley taking of her bikini top (PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!), I had higher expectations for the guidance counselor from Austin, TX. The Princess of Persia has never been camping, which is just another excuse to talk about her virginity. Mama Kenzie is in her element because the lake is also the perfect spot for aliens to come abducting and probing and prodding. Yep… And I can’t even talk about Ashley S.; she doesn't know what Chris is, but she knows she loves everything about him. And, for the record, PF did NOT sleep with anyone at camp. Thank you, ABC, for making everyone think this was the case. (Which is what they did with Carly for next week… That preview was mildly inappropriate and if I was Carly I would be SO UPSET, but that’s just me.)

Group Date #2: THE MUD RUN
If these girls weren't already grouped in my mind as Sister Wives (thank you, Jimmy Kimmel), seeing them all walking together in wedding dresses would do it. Honestly, I feel like this date was created just for Jillian; she was finally able to showcase her muscles and strength and Crossfit moves. Good job Jillian, you finally got to show everyone how much of a man you are. But, in the real world, who else would be good at running through a muddy obstacle course in a 40 pound wedding dress? Definitely not me, or ¾ of the women I know. The only run that I will be taking part of in my wedding dress will be down the aisle, and then to the honeymoon, obviously.

The only run that I will be taking part of in my wedding dress 
will be down the aisle, and then to 
the honeymoon, obviously.

Jillian and her muscles received a one on one date which revealed that she has no five year plan, or any plan at all really, outside of exercising 12 hours a day. Chris mentions that he can’t comprehend anything she says and that when she talks he thinks of unicorns and dancing fairies… And then she went home, right then and there. I didn’t even know that was possible (remember, Bachelor rookie here!)! But, there are no words for my excitement… THE BLACK BAR IS GONE FOREVER. Praise the Lord Most High!

Congrats to Jade, our princess of week four! (Great job, ABC, for using The Bachelor and this poor girls date to promote the new “Cinderella” film… shameless). Apparently, Cinderella dates bring out the worst in people... This kind of date is personally not my cup of tea, but holy Moses, Ashley I. about lost her everything. Scratch that, SHE DID LOSE HER EVERYTHING. Princess of Persia threw the second temper tantrum of the night because SHE WAS CREATED FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS (a la Esther); seriously, it rivals the two year olds that I know. Homegirl dressed herself up in a dress that she apparently bought and brought specifically for a princess date and ended up sitting on the couch drinking wine and gnawing on some corn on the cob. Class-ay. She needs to learn how to handle her emotions as a grown adult woman; Mama Kenzie said that Ashley I. is the type of girl who will blow anything out of proportion, make mountains out of molehills, and this was the first time I liked her this whole season.

On a very real note, I just noticed this week that these girls are living out of suitcases. You guys, that’s a HORRIBLE way to live. #realtalk

On another very real note, Chris said that he questions his potential in life if he can’t find love as a 33 year old man… I FEEL YOU. I am eight years younger, and I question that every single day. #realtalk

Now, all the ladies (all the single ladies)…

Whitney… I feel like every week, I love you more. You had great insight into the Soules Sisters and I was beyond surprised that they didn’t pick you for the date.

Kelsey… I had higher expectations. I am now not really a fan of you.

Carly… Your commentary on Jillian and her muscles was priceless and you have charmed your way through another week.

Megan… You and your fruit platters need to go home next week. I think the Grand Canyon was the best it’s going to get.

Virgin Ashley… SPARE ME. Take your temper tantrums and princess dresses and hit the road!

Mama Kenzie… Do you ever not talk about aliens?

Kaitlyn… Slowly creeping in to my top girls. I love her constant commentary and her down to earth spirit. She’s no Whitney, but she’s becoming more amazing (I just lost a $1…).

Jade… I am glad ABC took advantage of your date for their own shameless “Cinderella” plug. Your dress was stunning, more stunning than the fact that both you and Chris have been engaged before…

Samantha… Who are you, even?

Becca… Our second virgin of the house. But, Becca doesn’t let this define her, which is the way it should be.

Britt… I still don’t like you, but props for calling Chris out on validating questionable behavior.

We said goodbye to Jillian, Juelia, Ashley S., and Nikki (who was she, even?). Chris walked Juelia outside and explained himself and it was such a noble move; we finally saw a little bit of his character! Juelia gets the only free crying pass in regards to elimination. And Ashley I.? Apparently, she loved Chris at the campsite but then had absolutely no feelings about him once she was eliminated... She is also not worried about herself, which is okay, because everyone else in America is concerned.

Quote of the night…
 “I don’t know if Ashley S. is here for the right reasons, 
because I don’t know if she knows where here is…”
-      Kaitlyn, the down to earth dance instructor

What did you think of Virgin Ashley this week?
Would you win in a wedding dress mud run?
What do you think Kelsey’s up to next week?

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

prince farming & the other wedding...

Last night’s episode, I actually couldn’t take seriously. Each week, the girls get even more emotional and more ridiculous with their responses.

Prince Farming took our ladies to the farm so they could milk goats, catch pigs, and all the other farm things that everyone in Iowa inherently knows how to do. Also, goat milk... gag me. I would never... These group dates are the most awkward thing I have ever witnessed, and I am so thankful that I will never take part in such an activity. I already have a hard time being normal when it comes to dating, can you imagine me in a group date? I WOULD BE IN THE CORNER IN A FETAL POSITION, SANS HEELS AND MASCARA. A dating competition does not sound like my jam in any way, shape, or form (but especially in the form of a pool party!). Speaking of pool parties, I DIED. The bathing suits, or lack thereof (BLACK BARS EVERYWHERE…) completely irritated me. Also, who wears heels with a bikini? Or any type of swimsuit? I don’t even wear heels when I am fully clothed… I instantly went back to judgment/comparison mode as mentioned in week ones post.

And yes, I judged Mr. Soules for his necklace. You can’t trust a man who wears a necklace, you just can’t, especially ones that are macramé or puka shells. Seriously, not a fan. (Update: I have been told this "necklace" was his mic... My stance on the man necklace still stands...) Maybe we can use money from the now infamous Amazing Jar to buy him some under shirts to wear under his zip-up hoodies while we are at it.

You can’t trust a man who wears a necklace,
you just can’t, especially ones that are
macramé or puka shells…

One on one dates were pretty fun this week… Kaitlyn pretty much got the short end of the stick with Costco and Jimmy Kimmel and everything that came with it. But, WHITNEY KILLED. My girl! She thought that she was going to be looked over (yeah right, how could she?) (also, I kind of cried with her when she received her date card), and instead received the rose ON THE SPOT. Homeboy ran to get that flower… RAN. I have never been more proud of his judgment! At first I doubted whether this date was going the right way, I mean, she did leave a beautiful winery to crash a wedding. But, everything turned out beautifully, in a very weird way. Whitney, keep doing your thing!

And, about the ladies:

Whitney… No more words needed.

Kelsey… Still rooting for you! I hope you are one of the girls who are given the one on one date in this upcoming week!

Becca… She received a rose for NOT kissing Chris, and for that, she has been placed on my favorite list! That is what happens when you stick to your standards… RESPECT. Aretha Franklin was right!

Carly… She hates feeling rose-less; apparently it’s the worst thing that could ever happen in the history of humanity.  

Megan… You apparently had the “most best day ever” at the pool party.

Virgin Ashley… WE DO NOT LIVE IN PERSIA. You are not a Persian princess, so please spare us the headpieces. You are also not a Kardashian, so lets just not. Also, I could not help but laugh at her emotional rampage and pray that she would fall off the balcony in what was another extremely uncomfortable kissing scene.

Jillian… Go home. Take your black bar and just leave, for the love. I am now praying against you.


Mama Kenzie… He is kissing everyone, and if you aren’t okay with that, or somehow you think this is sending mixed signals… WELCOME TO THE SHOW. Maybe you and your alien fetish should just take a hike.

Jade… You made me feel uncomfortable.

Juelia… Congratulations for handling your emotions and coming clean to our dear Prince Farming. Sadly, you will probably be gone next week. Good luck!

Kaitlyn… You are fun and funny to watch and I feel bad that Jimmy Kimmel crashed your date.

Samantha… Who are you, even?

Nikki… Who are you, even?

Britt… I still don’t like you.

We said goodbye to Trina, Tracy, and Amber. Honestly, I didn’t even remember that these girls were even still on the show. I do have to thank Trina and Tracy for leaving with dignity, poise, and grace because that is how you should leave the show, especially in the beginning episodes. Amber is another story… She basically pulled a Tara from week two and threw herself a pity party.

Hands down, the greatest part of this episode was Jimmy Kimmel’s parody in the limo when he completely makes fun of the girls who leave after a few weeks… “We spent four days together! We really had a connection!” And, his whole Sister Wives comment… YES. Legitimately, that is what they are at this point, and I will be referring to them as such from this point on.

Quote of the night…
“Do I look cracky?”
“Not cracky at all…”
“Like, a crack addict or what?”
-       Megan, Virgin Ashley, and Mama Kenzie,
the self-proclaimed one on one police

Where are you at this week?
Would you ever crash a wedding?
Would you survive on these group dates?

Friday, January 16, 2015

a coffee date...

If we were on a coffee date, I would talk to you about my quest of being still and how already the Lord has blessed my soul with so many things. He has given me freedom, provision, clarity, joy… all of the things, all of the feels, and all of the blessings.

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you what kinds of God-sized things are happening in your life. What are you doing currently that requires faith? I heard Bob Goff speak one time, and he talked about quitting something every week. I used to wonder if this was actually even feasible or if it was one of those thoughts that come from the 2% of the population who can afford (literally and figuratively) to quite things all the time. No, this is something that we can all participate in; you, me, everyone… Quit something. This week. Tomorrow. Two days from now. Decide to just stop; stop the thing that steals your joy, stop the thing that feeds your anxious soul, stop the thing that pulls you from the Lord’s presence.

If we were on a coffee date, I would ask you what you are reading right now. Currently, “The Ragamuffin Gospel” by Brennan Manning is on my nightstand. One chapter down and I am already singing its praises! GO BUY THIS BOOK. RIGHT NOW.

If we were on a coffee date, we would talk about Chris Soules. Thank God for farmer boys from Iowa.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that you need to listen to Andrew Belle’s “Black Bear (Hushed)”. Currently, it’s the theme music of my life.

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you that I had the most real-feeling dream last night. You guys, I dreamt that I birthed a child, like, LITERALLY GAVE BIRTH. I blame this on the fact that I know approximately five people who have birthed children in the past week and a half and know approximately 12 women who are pregnant at this very moment... I BLAME YOU ALL. All the beautiful babies are making my ovaries hurt and giving me baby fever (and it’s not like I am in a season where children are even an option). It’s just like… I WANT ONE, you know? (DISCLAIMER: For the readers who actually don't personally know me, I am not married or pregnant, I just have weird dreams, apparently. Just FYI.)

If we were on a coffee date, I would get a refill of my iced coffee to go because TREAT YO SELF.

*These posts are inspired by this lady. She's a new favorite.*

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

prince farming & the grand canyon...

Well, here we are with week two under our belts!

And, each week, Chris gets more and more attractive. Except when he wears that blue zip-up hoodie without any sort of shirt underneath and the zipper pulled down obnoxiously low. But, I digress.

Prince Farming had quite the dates planned for our girls… Pool parties and tractor races? Zombie paintball? THE GRAND CANYON? Let me just say, that this sets these girls, and us at home, up for failure. The average guy will not take us to a picnic at the Grand Canyon, unless he lives there, like maybe it’s his backyard or something. The average guy will take us paintballing or to an Angels game and maybe to dinner at Olive Garden or In-N-Out, which is totally normal. (Also, paintball HURTS. I don’t even care, it hurts and it leaves bruises and I basically cried at Summer Camp this past year when I took my girls paintballing. Paintballing was made for men, and maybe women who routinely go to Crossfit and have skin made of chain-mail. Future husband, if you are out there and just so happen to read this little blog, the answer is NO to any sort of paintballing.)

 Paintballing was made for men, and maybe women who routinely go 
to Crossfit and have skin made of chain-mail...

In this episode, we learn that Mr. Soules lives right down the driveway… Shocking. Also, ABC thought this was the perfect moment to showcase Prince Farming showering in his awesome backyard shower. Mildly inappropriate, ABC. For the love… What was the importance of that? Other than to make us all swoony (it worked, and I hate you for that ABC!).

We see these girls drive around in their bikinis on super snaily tractors (A tractor race… cue Kenny Chesney singing, “She Thinks My Tractors Sexy”… ABC, missed opportunity on your part.). Then, our second group runs around what is apparently known as the Mesa Verde, paintballing zombies to death. Then Megan gets the Grand Canyon. Which is amazing. Literally, amazing.

Okay, on to specifics:

Kimberly… This girl completely emotionally hijacked that guy… AND IT WORKED. Way to work the system, my friend. Stand up for yourself… But also, sorry about it. #noroseforyou

Jillian… PUT SOME CLOTHES ON. PUT A REAL BATHING SUIT ON. For the love, I can’t bear that little black bar again.

Mama Kenzie… I have never been on a first date (yes, I am 25, welcome to my life), but even I know that I shouldn’t talk about aliens and the endearment of big noses. Chris recognized these red flags and still gave homegirl a rose… I don’t understand. Also, she is jealous of Ashley the Virgin and said some beyond ridiculous things. No. Just, no.

Megan… GRAND CANYON. Should have brought your helmet and tried hitting your head up against the rocks, just to see if it was strong enough, I can think of no greater test than that (also, Chris would have been able to see that you are mildly crazy). I also hope you developed some sort of concussion.

Kelsey… You are second to Whitney in my book. You are absolutely beautiful, have a real job (guidance counselor), and are always laughing and smiling. I was beyond mad when you were not chosen for a date outside of the paintball business. Keep on keeping on, girlfriend!

Ashley… Girl, I CAN’T EVEN. You were talking about angels and the Mesa Verde and finding the truth. The truth is that you are wild and I sided with Kaitlyn when she said you would probably eat the rose if given one. Also, please note that I screamed a big fat “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” at my TV when Chris gave you that rose. I am now praying against you, since Tara is no longer with us.

Virgin Ashley… You took that whole virgin thing too far. And also, you can’t expect us to respect you and believe you after a performance like that… Your belly button ring? Three wishes? That kissing session? I felt uncomfortable. 

Whitney… Still number one in my book! You brought him a taste of home and gave him a date instead of waiting for him to ask you to one… Respect. But next time, make sure your hair is out of your face so we can see your beautiful smile, girl!

Britt… I still don’t like you.

We said goodbye to Jordan, Alyssa, Kimberly, and Tara, all of which I am totally okay with. And I would just like to talk about Tara for a quick second… She said some things that genuinely had me worried about her emotional well being… She said that she “never seems to be anyone’s number one”, that she should “get used to rejection”, that she was “walking away empty handed, like usual”, and that it “always ends in heartbreak for me”. I understand this coping mechanism, this pity party, but this girl needs some serious counseling. I think that there are deep wounds that she has not yet recovered from in past relationships, so she needs to sort that out before moving forward. And that is the cold, hard truth.

Quote of the night:
“I feel so lucky to be having a date with my future husband!”
– Tara, the drunkard and sports enthusiast

Well, that ended quickly... Sorry about it.

What are your thoughts?
Who are you still rooting for?
Would you go paintballing on a date?
Would you let Ashley even come near you with a paintball gun?

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

prince farming & first impression roses...

Now, before you judge me as one of those Bachelor-ites, please note that this is the first year I have watched this show; between Sean Lowe and Andi Dorfman, I have seen about three episodes. So, just please.

I wish I could tell you that I am taking part in the watching of The Bachelor because of some noble reason, but that would be a lie. I am watching this season because holy Moses, Chris Soules… PRINCE FARMING? You have got to be joking me. For the girl who loves the all-American, homegrown, humble cowboys (raises hand), you just can’t resist that business.

So, I cozied up with some very healthy dairy free, coconut milk ice cream (New Years and such), lit the remnants of my Frosted Pine candles (which make my apartment smell like the Swiss Alps), and prepared myself to laugh, judge, and fall in love like the rest of America.

Friends, let me assure you, I LAUGHED, I JUDGED, I FELL IN LOVE. These girls… For the love, put the whiskey down, put some clothes on, and do not let this ominous rose define you!

For those of you who use Twitter, I tweeted about all my thoughts because I was home alone and had no one to talk to and that’s not acceptable as you watch your very first season of The Bachelor EVER.

I would like to just completely admit that the reason why I never watch this show is because I sit there and judge these poor girls and worse, begin to judge my self. I compare myself, I am not proud, but its kind of impossible not to. These girls… I could never be on this show! I am not bold, I don’t sparkle (excuse me, no normal girl just has those kinds of dresses hanging in her closet), and I am not a dance instructor, yoga teacher, or professional juicer. I sat there in my yoga pants, eating ice cream after a day spent with my mentor, complete with crafting, Mexican food, and talking about the gray areas of my love life. THAT is the average girl, and lets be okay with that, yes? Also, I would be the girl who would come out of the limo, introduce myself, and make some sort of joke about Ruth and Boaz falling in love in the fields, biblical marriage, and then get back in the limo because I am pretty sure this person is not here to find a biblical marriage (or laugh at my witty Bible humor).

I am not bold, I don’t sparkle, and I am not a dance instructor, 
yoga teacher, or professional juicer…

Now, my thoughts on the girls that I remember:

Tara… Homegirl was my favorite up until she got wasted and couldn’t even hold herself up on the platform. You still got a rose, and that is the grace of God upon your soul. If you become Princess Farming, know that I will be praying AGAINST you.

Britt… just get out. You have a better chance of marrying this man simply because of oxytocin (look it up) and the chemical bonds from physical intimacy. More bonding, more pain (every rose has its thorn, my friend).

Ashley… your onions and pomegranates are too much. You have a rose, and I can’t even.

Whitney… If I could call in and vote for you, I would. You are super sweet, have a REAL career (again, dance instructors are tooooo many on this show), and are just super cute when you talk about making babies and such. Princess Whitney Farming has a great ring to it. Keep it up, love you.

Machu Picchu… I can’t remember your name, only that you just got back from Machu Picchu with a heart rock. What? Creeptastic.

Kaitlyn… YOU ARE WILD. No words.

Also, everyone who didn’t get a rose the first night, STOP CRYING. You don’t even know this man, so please come back to real life and find that man that the Lord has for you! (Sidenote: a handful of these ladies introduced themselves and immediately talked about how they will be safe havens as wives, will make cute babies, and want to raise their children in small farming towns because “that’s where its at”. You don’t even know if he is someone worth having children with yet, you have no idea how he treats women, and I am sure you did not grow up dreaming about living on a farm and looking out to pasture only to see your children cow-tipping and rolling around in mud.)

I leave you with my absolute favorite quote of the night:

“There’s a sparkle on your face…
– Kaitlyn, the dance instructor

She took a page from our very beloved T-Swift and went cray. Next episode, I don’t doubt she will be throwing a cell phone into a pool, smashing a car with a golf club, or chopping down some sort of tree.

So, what are your first impressions of these people?
Are you a Bachelor rookie or seasoned watcher?
Are you a dance instructor too? Because if so, I just can’t…